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Category: coaching

  • The Hidden Crisis: Autism and Relational Bullying

    The Hidden Crisis: Autism and Relational Bullying

    It’s the second day of school, and my stomach is clenched tight, a cold knot of fury radiating from within and extending through my fingers as I type. Within hours of my daughter’s first day of school, her frenemy, AKA her bully, was at her again.

    I’d like to say I handled it well. I did not.

    You see, this isn’t the first time my daughter has experienced a put-down, slight, or attempt at ostracism from this particular ex-friend. It’s not even the tenth. We’ve gone through two years of dealing with this relational bullying, and the effects on my daughter have been devastating.

    Because my daughter is on the autism spectrum and has ADHD, she is more at risk of being a target of mean girls and queen bees. I’d like to say the data on this is incorrect. I can’t. Throughout her short life, my vibrant, unique, intelligent daughter has always been targeted by those kids for many reasons, but perhaps the biggest cause is that she’s different.

    My daughter is ASD Level 1, which means you wouldn’t know she’s autistic by looking at her. This invisible difference makes it easy for others to target her for being different without understanding the neurological reasons behind those differences.

    And, of course, girls, in particular, are the worst when it comes to cruelty. I experienced mean girl behaviour daily in elementary school, making detachment and objectivity very difficult to find after a lifetime of being targeted myself and observing a lifetime of my daughter being targeted by her tormenters.

    Evidence shows over 60% of children and young adults with autism experience bullying. Among them, high schoolers are most likely to be bullied. School-aged children on the autism spectrum who do not need special health care and those from disadvantaged neighbourhoods are also more likely to be bullied than other autistic children.

    This article will explore the effects of bullying and relational bullying, particularly for children with autism, through an intimate and personal lens. We’ll cover what bullying and relational bullying are, their effects on children, the emotional challenges parents face alongside their bullied tweens, and how to deal with them.

    Together, let’s explore how we can protect children with autism from bullying and help them grow up resilient, confident, and safe. 

    Two girls sit in a school classrom. One of them is whispering behind her hand to the other.

    Source: Pexels

    How Do We Define Bullying?

    The word “bully” prompts a knee-jerk reaction from parents. After all, no one wants to think their child might be guilty of bullying behaviour. The truth is, many kids are bullies, and many are bullied, and sometimes tweens can fall in between and become both victim and perpetrator.

    So, what exactly is bullying, and how do we know we are using the term correctly? 

    Bullying is defined as aggressive behaviour intended to cause fear, harm, distress, or create an uncomfortable environment for someone. It often involves repeated behaviours and an imbalance of power between the perpetrator and the victim. 

    This power difference could suggest a difference in age, grade or physical size. Bullying behaviour can take on many forms aside from physical or verbal abuse, such as: 

    • Excluding or isolating a person 
    • Spreading rumours or doing things to embarrass someone 
    • Using technology (texts, emails, social media) to harass someone 
    • Taking or damaging property 

    When it comes to girls on the spectrum, they are especially vulnerable to relational bullying or “mean girl” type behaviours due to their difficulty in making friends and their social awkwardness. 

    This dynamic can put them at risk of becoming the target of gossip and exclusion. Girls with autism may also be more susceptible to humiliation or intentional humiliation due to their sometimes associated language and communication difficulties.

    In my daughter’s case, her ex-friend wields her control over her friend group to exclude her and takes every opportunity to dismiss my daughter’s accomplishments, make her feel bad about herself, and stress how no one likes her.

    This type of bullying, called relational aggression, seems to be the weapon of choice in “girl world.” (If you grew up in girl world, I know you can relate). Let’s take a closer look. 

    Defining Relational Aggression

    As a child, I was bullied relentlessly in elementary school. I was an easy target. I wasn’t that cute (I grew into my looks later, fortunately); I was a smartypants who used big words and trained as a competitive figure skater. 

    This meant I missed more school days than I was there for coaching and practice sessions, making it harder for me to fit in or even defend myself on the days I was absent from the rumours created by my nemeses. 

    Of course, add that I was perceived as a – gasp! – goody-goody who didn’t smoke or kiss boys, and I had the perfect combination of traits that made me stand out. 

    And not in a good way.

    It was common to go to school and have not one person talk to me the entire day upon instructions from our “queen bee.” This included my supposed best friend, who would turn her back when I begged her to speak to me. 

    Then there were the whispers behind my back, the giggles and jokes made at my expense, and the put-downs. To this day, I struggle with self-esteem issues and setting boundaries.

    Unfortunately, this incredibly unfair form of bullying is quite common, especially among girls. Also known as “relational bullying,” it is an insidious type of abuse that differs from traditional bullying and involves more subtle forms of aggression, such as exclusion or spreading rumours. 

    This harassment is used to damage someone’s relationships or social status and is often more challenging to detect as it is much less overt. It can be devastatingly effective as these relational behaviours can damage people’s self-esteem and leave them feeling isolated in a way that can be harder to overcome than traditional physical bullying. 

    Children with autism – who may already have difficulty in social situations or picking up on complex social cues – can be especially vulnerable, as they may misread social signals or have a harder time communicating. 

    Peggy Moss at Empowering Parents lists the following as possible types of relational bullying: 

    • Intimidation 
    • Exclusion 
    • Spreading rumours 
    • Putting down others in a group setting 
    • Gossiping about others 
    • Outcasting
    • Humiliating 
    • Cyberbullying
    • Backstabbing

    These kinds of behaviours can have serious potential consequences, including depression, anxiety, physical health problems, and increased risk for conduct problems. 

    At the same time, though, it is crucial to recognize that the effects of relational bullying can be overcome. It is, after all, a form of abuse that can be identified and addressed. 

    It takes time and hard work, but raising awareness can help young girls know the signs to look out for and how to react to such bullying constructively.

    Source: Pexels

    Why Are ASD Level 1 Girls So Susceptible to Relational Aggression?

    It might help to understand why kids with Level I autism are more at risk than their Level II and III counterparts. First, let’s break down the classification system used by the experts to categorize different levels of ASD diagnoses. 

    Autism can manifest in various levels; most people fill in somewhere on the continuum. It’s important to understant that these levels are just a general guide and the condition manifests differently in everyone.

    Level 1

    Sometimes referred to as “high-functioning” or “Asperger Syndrome” (there is much debate about the appropriateness of these terms within autism communities so I felt it important to address), it refers to someone likely to require support for some of the following: 

    • Difficulty in back-and-forth communication 
    • Trouble with social cues and body language 
    • Social anxiety and burnout from long-term masking 
    • Issues with transitioning between activities 
    • Challenges in organization and planning 

    Level II 

    Requires substantial support and has: 

    • Difficulty with masking
    • Limited ability to change focus or activities
    • Engagement in noticeable repetitive behaviour or stimming,
    • Struggles with societal norms due to a neurotypical-centric environment 

    Level III 

    Needing very substantial support and:

    • Is unable to mask
    • Experiences a high self-regulation burden
    • Has significant difficulty with verbal and non-verbal communication
    • Struggles with changes in focus or location
    • Engages in noticeable repetitive behaviours
    • Is at increased risk for neglect, abuse and discrimination

    It’s no surprise that Level I girls are more likely to come into contact with the relational bullying their peers often face because of their wide range of social abilities. They typically don’t have the same social communication and interaction skills as the general population, thus making them more vulnerable to mean-girl treatment. 

    For instance, my daughter struggles with: 

    • Reading verbal social cues
    • Entirely missing or misinterpreting non-verbal social cues
    • Knowing when to enter a conversation
    • Taking things literally
    • Knowing when someone is not interested in her favourite subject of interest that she wants to share with the world because it’s AWESOME
    • Understanding when someone has had enough of a particular conversation and is ready to move on
    • The boundaries of personal space and when someone is uncomfortable if she’s in theirs
    • Misreading other’s intentions for good or for ill

    Because of this, my daughter has been targeted her entire life, and it can be heartbreaking to bear witness to the experience of my child being made to feel lower and lesser than her peers. 

    It’s made her more withdrawn, less outgoing and less trusting of those around her. But it’s not all hopeless – as I have worked with my daughter, I have noticed that her self-advocacy has improved, and she can stand up for herself when it counts. 

    It is of utmost importance that girls with autism get the support, love, affection and understanding they need to help them learn to cope with life’s struggles and gain confidence. 

    With the right environment and guidance, these girls can find their voices and learn to thrive in an often challenging world.

    Effects of Relational Bullying on Autistic Girls

    It’s difficult to put into words the effects this constant harassment has had on my daughter. Keep in mind, she’s dealt with it her entire. short. life – in every grade, in online school during the pandemic, at her dance studio, and even from instructors who didn’t know any better. 

    I first saw it manifested in debilitating nightmares and insomnia during the summer between Senior Kindergarten and Grade 1. My daughter would wake up crying and be unable to sleep. 

    She would have nightmares of herself sitting alone under a tree at school because no one would talk to her. And it’s only gotten worse from there. Imagine that every. day. of. your. life. you have to deal with someone trying to make you feel wrong. defective. less than. 

    On top of that, you must deal with all the other challenges you face of navigating a neurotypical world in a neuroatypical body and brain. Here’s a list of the harm this type of bullying can cause:

    • Depression 
    • Anxiety 
    • Insomnia 
    • Low self-worth 
    • Headaches 
    • Nausea 
    • Stomach aches 
    • School avoidance 
    • Fear of social situations
    • The urge to self-harm
    • Eating disorders
    • Trouble concentrating
    • Stress-related sicknesses 

    These are the lasting effects of relational bullying that can affect an autistic girl. It’s insidious, and it’s as real as anything can get. It can set in motion a lifetime of negative consequences and can take away the joyousness of childhood. 

    This is why it’s so important we start having honest conversations about bullying and its effects in our schools – especially regarding autistic girls. We need to create safe learning environments that are aware of these dynamics and how to prevent them in the first place. 

    We need more education and understanding of autism, both within the schools and the larger community. We need to make sure our children know there is always hope. That there is another way. No matter what they face today, tomorrow is a new dawn.

    Source: Pexels

    The Blind Spots: Why Teachers and Coaches Often Miss the Signs

    If you think spotting relational aggression is like searching for a needle in a haystack for us parents, imagine what it’s like for teachers and coaches who have multiple kids to manage.

    The Resource Crunch

    Let’s start with the most obvious yet understated problem: resources. Teachers and coaches are often stretched thin, juggling between academic responsibilities, extracurricular activities, and yes, maintaining a semblance of order among the kids.

    Too Few Eyes, Too Many Kids: There’s only so much ground a teacher can cover. The schoolyard, during recess or after school, often becomes a ‘safe’ space for bullies, knowing there’s less adult supervision.

    Lack of Specialized Training: Recognizing relational aggression requires specialized training that most educators haven’t received.

    The Discord Between Peers and Teachers

    There’s a serious disconnect between how teachers and peers view relational aggression. This disparity is especially troubling.

    Academic Bias: Teachers often base their judgments on academic performance and classroom behavior. A student excelling in these areas may not raise any red flags, even though they could be a principal antagonist on the playground.

    Popularity Paradox: Female students who are popular and overtly aggressive are more likely to be flagged by both teachers and peers. But what about those who operate covertly, hiding their malicious behavior under a guise of charm and friendliness?

    The Silent Victims

    Much like my daughter, many victims don’t want to ‘tattle.’ They internalize their pain, trying to handle the situation themselves, which often leads to further anxiety and emotional distress.

    Fear of Retaliation: The fear of being labeled or facing worse aggression from the bully often keeps victims silent.

    Low Self-reporting: This silence means that there are likely many more victims than what the statistics show, making the problem much bigger than it appears.

    There’s no simple fix, but understanding why it’s so hard to spot and stop relational aggression is a crucial first step. Only then can we begin to think about meaningful interventions. And trust me, this is a fight worth taking on, not just for our kids, but for everyone’s.

    The Emotional Rollercoaster: A Parent’s Journey Through Relational Aggression

    I hear you. Honestly, I do. The emotional turmoil that comes with knowing your child is a target of relational aggression isn’t something you can just set aside. It follows you, creeping into the moments that should be free of worry, settling into a pit in your stomach that you can’t seem to shake. This isn’t just a story about kids on a playground; it’s about us parents, too.

    The Tug of War: Protectiveness vs. Independence

    For any parent, our child’s well-being is paramount. We want nothing more than to send our kids to a safe space where they can grow and thrive. But when that safe space turns hostile, the inner battle begins.

    Over-Protection: You’re tempted to wrap them in a protective bubble. And why shouldn’t you? When your child is on the autism spectrum,the world already feels like a battlefield.

    Fostering Independence: But you also know you can’t be there to shield them forever. Especially for autistic children, learning independence is critical.

    The Emotional Cycle: A Journey Through Many Stages

    Stage 1: Empathy and Kindness

    It starts with preaching kindness, believing that empathy will prevail. You think, maybe if we understand the bully’s side, we can defuse the situation. You tell your child to be brave but kind, to stand up without sinking to their level.

    Stage 2: Accountability

    You work tirelessly with your child to help them navigate the social intricacies they naturally find challenging. Mindfulness techniques, social skills classes, breathing exercises, role-playing — you try it all. You do everything you can to equip your child to be the best version of themselves. (and it doesn’t escape your attention that others don’t seem to bother to do this much work with their kids, which frankly, builds resentment.)

    Stage 3: Diplomacy

    Next, you approach the other parent. You craft your words carefully, advocating for a collective effort to sort out the ‘social difficulties.’ Sometimes it works, and sometimes it explodes in your face, like my unfortunate social media encounter, which I still struggle to forgive myself for. Remember folks, never comment in anger, it never goes well.

    Stage 4: Loss of Empathy

    Finally, after years of frustration and roadblocks, you find that your reservoir of empathy has run dry. You’ve spent your life empowering kids, and now you’re at a point where negative feelings overshadow any goodwill you had left. And you blame yourself for it.

    Emotional Toll: The Unseen Cost

    Mental Health: Anxiety, sleepless nights, constant worry – it takes a toll on your mental well-being.

    Strained Relationships: Sometimes, it even strains your relationship with your child as you both try to navigate the labyrinth of emotions.

    Professional Life: I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t affected my ability to focus on my work, even though every dollar I earn is to ensure a better future for my tiny family.

    The Way Forward: Is There One?

    Honestly, I wish I had an easy answer, a one-size-fits-all solution. But what I do have is this community, right here, where we share, vent, find support, and pick up the pieces so we can face another day. Because, for our kids, we’ll walk through fire. But we don’t have to do it alone.

    We’ve faced hurdles before; we’ll face this one, too. We’ll find a way to protect our children without smothering them, to build their independence without leaving them vulnerable. And hopefully, along the way, we’ll inspire others to stand up, take notice, and make changes that benefit not just our children, but every child who’s grappling with the tough social landscapes of childhood and adolescence.

    Stay Connected, Share the Love

    If you’ve found this blog post resonating with you, hit that ‘Like’ button and please do ‘Subscribe’ to stay updated on our journey and other important topics. Your support keeps this community thriving and is a beacon for others navigating the same challenges.

    Also, I invite you to check out BellaZinga, an online print-on-demand store inspired by my daughter’s one-liners and special interests that serves as a platform for inclusion, education, awareness, and acceptance. Your support goes a long way in empowering us to make the world a more accepting place for our children.

    If you do buy something, make sure to put our printable “Things Your Neurodivergent Friends Might Do” and my eBook “Friends Beyond Differences: Embracing Neurodiversity” in your cart.

    These are great resources for educating neurotypical kids about their friends with invisible disabilities like autism and ADHD.

    Once you do, make sure to enter the discount code “SPREADTHEWORD” to get those resources absolutely free!

    The promotion is good until the end of September!

    Thank you for being part of this incredible community. Together, we can turn our struggles into strength and pave a path for a future where every child feels safe, loved, and included.

    So, share this post, spread the word, and let’s create a ripple effect of change. Because in this challenging journey, the more allies we have, the stronger we are.

    If you or someone you know is the victim of bullying you can reach out to Bullying Canada at (877) 352 4497. Call or text anytime and their team of caring volunteers will help you. You don’t need to go through this alone.

  • ADHD Symptoms You Might Not Know About

    ADHD Symptoms You Might Not Know About

    It’s been another tough week for my neurodivergent kiddo. Well, if I’m being truthful, it’s been a difficult few months capping off a lifetime of difficulties. From her feelings of isolation to medication moodiness, school avoidance, and everything in between, it sometimes feels like she’s always swimming upstream, and I’m powerless to help her.

    So, I decided to hit up my trusty laptop and use my voice to hopefully make the world a little more educated about the troubles children like my daughter endure. My hope is by providing information about conditions like ADHD and ASD, I might help the world be a kinder, more accepting place for my daughter and other children like her. 

    I decided to start with ADHD, as I feel this is a disorder that many people don’t take seriously enough. As a figure skating coach with thirty years of experience, I can attest to the lack of training and understanding I had when I was coaching. And I can attest to the tone-deaf techniques and coaching methods still used today for kids that think differently.

    Given that ADHD affects between 5%-9% of all children and 3%-5% of all adults, we all need to do our part to learn how to help and support those suffering from this chronic disorder. In this blog, we’ll look at some of the lesser-known symptoms of ADHD that you might not know about. 

    So, buckle up, and let’s get started!

    A Quick Refresher

    Are you familiar with ADHD? Well, if you’re not, here’s a quick primer. ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects your ability to focus and stay on task. 

    It’s caused by a mix of environmental and genetic factors. It can cause executive functioning, working memory, organization, and emotional regulation deficits. When it comes to what regular people know about ADHD, the most common symptom is hyperactivity. 

    This is because it’s the most visible symptom and often leads to disruptive behaviors in the classroom (and elsewhere!). But there’s more to ADHD than hyperactivity; other symptoms include difficulty with procrastination, impulsivity, inattention, and forgetfulness. 

    So, now that you have a refresher on what ADHD is, let’s get into the lesser-known symptoms you might not be aware of.

    8 Lesser Known Symptoms of ADHD

    We all know about the difficulty regulating attention and the hyperactivity that often comes with ADHD (at least, you should by now unless you’ve been hanging out under a rock?), but there are so many other challenges presented by this condition. 

    Let’s examine some of them in more detail; after all, the more you know…

    1. Time Blindness

    People with ADHD focus on the NOW to the exclusion of everything else. This is because their brains have difficulty processing time as a concept, leading to a condition called “time blindness.” 

    Its symptoms include: 

    • Being unable to tell time so that appointments and deadlines are forgotten or arrive unexpectedly 
    • Difficulty organizing tasks in a logical order 
    • Not being able to anticipate the future or plan ahead 
    • Feeling as if time is passing too quickly or too slowly 
    • Difficulty with transitions and moving on to the next activity 

    Time blindness is more than just bad timing; it’s a severe impairment that can lead to procrastination, missed deadlines, and a lot of frustration. 

    If your ears are perking up at any of these behaviours, reach out to your doctor about ways to manage time blindness. Taking this issue seriously is essential because it can considerably impact your life.

    1. Executive Function Disorder

    Ah, executive function disorder. It’s the bane of many people’s existence, yet few know what it is. Executive function disorder (EFD) is a symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder that hampers the ability to plan, organize, and manage tasks. 

    What is executive function?

    Executive function disorder is an ADHD symptom that is often overlooked. It’s like the forgotten stepchild of ADHD — but don’t worry, it can still get all the attention it needs. It might make it easier to define executive function as the ability to get stuff done.

    EFD affects the brain’s ability to plan, organize, and complete tasks. It’s as if the brain is constantly saying, “I’m not sure what to do next!” To put it in simple terms, imagine having a bunch of little elves in your head, all running around in different directions, and none of them know what they’re doing!

    What causes EFD?

    The root cause of EF disorder is an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Basically, the brain isn’t firing off the right signals to the right parts of the brain. This can lead to needing help staying focused, organizing thoughts, and completing tasks.

    For those with EFD, tasks that may seem easy to others can feel like monumental challenges. It’s easy to get frustrated and overwhelmed when you just can’t keep up with the demands of daily life. 

    Psst…remember this the next time you feel your blood pressure rise when your child’s room looks like a warzone yet again. They actually have a brain-based reason for struggling to clean their room. 

    But it’s important to remember that EFD is manageable. With the proper correct accommodations and strategies, you can learn to manage your child’s symptoms and help them live a successful life.

    1. Social Anxiety

    Another symptom you may not be so familiar with is social anxiety. That’s right—ADHD can actually cause social anxiety. If you have ADHD, you may be hyper-aware of your surroundings, causing you to be highly anxious in social situations. 

    You might be more self-conscious than usual and worry that everyone is judging you or watching your every move. Or, you might have trouble interpreting social cues, such as facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language, making it challenging to “fit in” with your peers. This social anxiety can be tough on kids and teens. 

    They’re already dealing with the stress of growing up, and this extra layer of anxiety can be overwhelming. Fortunately, with effort and learned strategies, anxiety can be managed. Working with a trained professional to develop coping skills and learning how to better regulate your emotions can make a huge difference. 

    4. Trouble Getting to Sleep

    Sleep issues are a common symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder that often go unnoticed. While it’s well-known that people with ADHD have difficulty concentrating and staying focused, many don’t realize that these issues can affect their sleeping patterns. 

    Struggling to sleep is a common issue for those with ADHD, but it can be especially problematic for those who don’t realize why they’re having trouble. Whether it’s due to racing thoughts, difficulty winding down, or an inability to “shut off” their mind, those with ADHD often find themselves in a catch-22 when it comes to getting a good night’s rest. 

    Don’t fret; there are plenty of strategies to help those with ADHD get to sleep more easily. Whether setting a strict bedtime routine, sticking to a regular sleep schedule, or even taking medication, there are many ways to get the restful sleep you need. So don’t let ADHD stop you from getting the rest you deserve!

    1. Poor Working Memory

    If you think ADHD only affects kids in the classroom, you better think again! Poor working memory—one of the lesser-known symptoms of ADHD—can cause significant problems for adults, too. It’s not just about forgetting your car keys or where you left your phone. 

    Poor working memory can affect your ability to remember instructions, recall details, and complete tasks. If your career requires you to juggle multiple tasks, this can be a real problem. 

    Again, this is where proper tactics and techniques can help improve your working memory. Things like breaking down large tasks into smaller steps, using lists to keep track of what you need to do, and using reminders (like notes or alarms) can all help you stay organized and on-task. 

    If you think poor working memory might be the culprit behind your disorganization or difficulty completing tasks, it’s worth talking to a doctor or therapist about your symptoms. With appropriate strategies and support, you can find ways to manage your ADHD and get back on track.

    1. Emotional Dysregulation

    The typical picture in everyone’s minds when they think of ADHD, is of kids bouncing off the walls, not being able to sit still, and having difficulty focusing. But what many people don’t realize is that kids with ADHD can also have trouble regulating their emotions. 

    So, what exactly is emotional dysregulation? Basically, it’s when someone’s emotions are all out of whack. They might feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, or all of the above, and they don’t have the tools to calm themselves down. 

    This is known as emotional dysregulation, which can be incredibly difficult for kids (and adults!) to manage.

    What is emotional dysregulation? 

    This condition can lead to outbursts, meltdowns, and other disruptive behaviours. It’s important to note that emotional dysregulation isn’t a character flaw; it’s a symptom of ADHD. It happens because of how the brain is wired, meaning it’s not something the person can control. 

    That’s why it’s essential to find strategies to help kids with ADHD manage their emotions. Some approaches to help kids with ADHD regulate their emotions include:

    • Deep breathing
    • Taking a break
    • Distraction
    • Mindfulness exercises
    • Talking through their feelings
    • Exercise

    Another great tip is to create a plan for handling big emotions in advance so that everyone knows what to do when they feel overwhelmed. 

    Emotional dysregulation can be incredibly difficult to manage, but it is possible. With the right tools, kids with ADHD can learn to regulate their emotions and lead happy balanced lives.

    1. Poor Self-Esteem

    It’s not news to anyone that having ADHD can significantly impact one’s self-esteem. From the constant barrage of criticism from teachers, peers, and even family members for not living up to their expectations to the inner dialogue of self-doubt and feeling like you’re just not good enough, having ADHD can take a toll on one’s self-confidence. 

    But what causes poor self-esteem in those with ADHD, and how can parents and caregivers help their children feel better about themselves? 

    One of the most critical components of low self-esteem in those with ADHD is feeling “less than.” Whether at school, the arena, or even among peers, those with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder often feel less intelligent, talented, or capable than those around them. 

    This feeling of inadequacy can be exacerbated by their difficulty completing tasks or performing to the same level as their peers, leading to a downward spiral of negative self-talk and self-doubt. 

    Luckily, there are steps caregivers can take to help their child cope with and manage the feelings of low self-esteem associated with ADHD. 

    • First, it’s important to recognize that it’s not the child’s fault—it’s the ADHD. 
    • Acknowledge that your child is doing their best and that trying their best is enough. 
    • Next, focus on their strengths and successes, no matter how small. It helps to build their confidence and reminds them that they are capable. 
    • Finally, encourage them to set realistic goals for themselves and celebrate the small steps they take toward reaching those goals. 

    With patience, understanding, and a little love, you can help your child with ADHD find self-confidence and feel better about themselves.

    8. Trouble Getting Out of the Zone

    It’s no secret that the symptoms of ADHD disrupt lives, but there’s one symptom that often goes overlooked: zoning out. You know how it goes—you’re in the middle of a conversation, and suddenly you’re lost in thought, only to come back to reality with no clue what the other person just said. 

    What is zoning out?

    While zoning out is common in everyone, it can be a particularly frustrating symptom of ADHD. So, what is zoning out? It’s a distraction period that can last from a few moments to a few hours. It’s like a mini-escape from reality that can happen without warning. 

    During this time, you can be unresponsive and unaware of your surroundings, and it can be hard to snap out of it. 

    Why do you zone out?

    So, what causes zoning out? It has many triggers, including boredom, fatigue, or overwhelming emotions. It can also be a sign of a more serious underlying condition, such as depression or anxiety. 

    Here are some ways to prevent or lessen your “zone-out time” each day:

    • Taking consistent, daily time-outs can help reduce fatigue and give your brain a chance to recover. 
    • Being mindful of your emotions can also help. If you notice the overwhelm taking over, draw a few deep breaths and focus on the present moment. 
    • Finally, talking to a professional can help you better understand the underlying cause of the zoning out and provide you with helpful strategies to manage it. 

    Zoning out may not be the most disruptive of the ADHD symptoms, but it can still be a source of frustration. Understanding what causes it and how to manage it can help prevent it from becoming a problem.

    Now You Know a Little More About ADHD

    It’s clear that ADHD presents itself in many different forms, and it can be challenging to identify the symptoms in yourself or a loved one. But now that you know more about what it looks like, you’re in a better position to recognize and help those in need. 

    If you or someone you know is living with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, it’s vital to seek help and resources to better manage the condition. No one should have to suffer through the symptoms of ADHD alone, so take the time to do your research and find the right support network. 

    Remember, the more you know about ADHD, the better equipped you are to help those around you. So take the time to learn more about this complex condition and how you can help those living with it.

  • The Importance of “Culture” in Our Youth Sport Organizations

    The Importance of “Culture” in Our Youth Sport Organizations

    With thirty years of coaching experience, and ten years as a sport parent, I have been afforded many opportunities to create, implement,  observe, and critique different organizational cultures.

    If I am being entirely honest, one of the reasons I retired from coaching was my complete disillusionment surrounding the never-changing landscape of the culture we work in as figure skating coaches.

    Full disclosure: While I always did my best to create a positive culture, I have also been responsible for creating less than positive environments through mistakes I have made, either by reacting inappropriately to what I percieved as injustice or unfair criticism, or being so outspoken about organizational issues as to burn bridges behind me.

    Throughout my coaching life, I have worked for clubs with organizational cultures that felt so supportive and progressive I have deeply enjoyed coming to work because I felt so valued in my organization.  I cannot tell you how thankful I am that these clubs exist and I have had the pleasure of working in them. 

    I have worked in other clubs where the culture was simply average; drama and divisiveness with one executive, then support and cohesion with the next. This is more often the norm in figure skating clubs in Canada simply because of the nature of their structure.  For more on this, read my blog on some of the hardships endured by skating coaches in Canada.

    I have also had the displeasure of working with a couple of clubs that were quite toxic. 

    Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

    I cannot overstate enough the stress I experienced working with these clubs. One, in particular, stands out.  The anxiety I felt day in and day out was so bad it resulted in sleeplessness, nervous tics, weight gain, depression, self-doubt, and eventually burn-out. 

    Where I used to love going to work and didn’t even consider my coaching job as a “job,” I eventually became afraid to go to the rink because I always felt under attack. Even worse, it was plain the values I held dear were nowhere in evidence.

    The hardest part of all was to try and diagnose the problem.  Why was the club so toxic?  Was it me?  No matter how hard I tried to model clarity, to try to include people in my ideas, and to try to show professionalism, I seemed to fail at every turn.

    What made my slow descent into disenfranchisement even worse is that I could see that people in the organization were doing the best they could.  Yet somehow, the club became a place of division and strife. In the end, clarity in communication became non-existent, and trust had eroded to the point of being completely absent. There was little organizational structure to depend on, and skaters were leaving in droves.

    I speak often about how important the “culture” of any organization is, but when it comes down to it, it is a complicated concept that few people understand, and, in my humble opinion, even fewer value it as an important factor in the success of skating clubs.

    Before going any further, I want to give a shout-out to those clubs that do have wonderful, supportive, open, clear, and progressive cultures.  You can tell those clubs that put in the work; they are the ones that produce confident athletes, seem to have happy coaches who remain with the club for a long time, and in general, you just feel good being there. 

    Sadly, in my experience, you have a 50/50 shot of finding a skating club in Canada with a positive club culture.

    So what exactly IS organizational or club culture?

    Photo by Polina Zimmerman on Pexels.com

    Well, after consulting my wise colleague Google, there seem to be several similarities between the many definitions of “organizational culture.” 

    You can pare down the commonalities of organizational culture to these things:

    • There is a collective agreement on what things are important to that particular club or youth organization. This means that the leaders in the club gather and determine which things they wish to make a focal point for the day-to-day running of their organization.  These can include assumptions, beliefs, values, and practices.
    • The leaders of the organization are the ones that help to create and model these agreed-upon values or practices.
    • Workers in the organization are provided support in order to uphold these common beliefs or values, often in the form of incentives and also sometimes in the form of…ahem…punishment.
    • Leaders and workers alike work together to implement and maintain these beliefs, assumptions, values, or practices in order to create a harmonious and successful organization.

    So there it is, sounds easy right? 

    BWAH-HA-HA-HA……!  I hope that sound of my laughter in your ears isn’t too deafening.

    Creating and maintaining a strong and positive club or organizational culture is one of the most difficult things to do ever. 

    Full stop.

    With so many moving parts present in a figure skating club, like coaches, volunteers, parents, athletes, executive members, and administrative staff, just trying to get people to collectively commit to one set of shared values is nearly impossible.

    A full concerted effort has to be made by every single person in that skating club to commit to modeling the core values of that culture, as well as following the processes and procedures set in place in order to maintain these values.

    As someone who has always been fascinated by leadership styles (indeed, I am guilty of reading more books on leadership, mindset, and motivation by business leaders than your average bear), I have spent years trying to learn the “secret” to creating a positive club culture.

    I’ve had some success and just as many failures, but I can tell you from experience these are the things that every club needs to possess in order to create a positive culture.

    Clarity

    As someone who is late to hop on the Brene Brown train, I admit to always being skeptical of anything that smacks of self-help…but wow, this lady (sorry….Doctor!) blew me away.  Listening to her book “Dare to Lead” left me open-mouthed and wide-eyed from the sheer force of the multiple “a-ha” moments it provided.  (not to be confused with multiple orgasms, that’s another book and an entirely different type of author).

    While it would take too long to list all of the takeaways provided by this first-class researcher on vulnerability, courage, and shame in relationships AND in the workplace, one of the concepts that resonated the most deeply with me is: “clear is kind, and kind is clear.”

    Dr. Brown repeats this rule like a mantra, and indeed, it should be the mantra at every skating club or youth sports organization.

    Too often, we are too afraid to say what we are feeling. When we have a problem in our club, we hesitate to speak up for fear of sounding weak or, worse, like an emotional woman.

    Too often, we let wounds fester in our skating clubs, leaving rumours unaddressed and allowing issues to grow until the resentment between coaches or executive members is so great there is no hope of meeting with an open heart or mind, as Brown often recommends.

    I have always been clear. Perhaps too clear, and if I’m being candid, my delivery is not always as gentle as it could be. It has always been my belief that we have to name issues and do the hard work required to solve them in order to move forward productively.

    Unfortunately, everyone in the club has to “buy in” to this belief, and if you are the only one or one of the few who believes that “clear is kind,” then you will often find yourself in “unkind” waters for attempting to be transparent.

    Organization

    In order to have a successful club culture, there must be a system in place that everyone understands and trusts implicitly. For example, it is no use attempting to team coach when you have coaches who haven’t bought into the process and do everything in their power to undermine the program.

    Everyone in a productive organization must know their jobs and have the support necessary to carry them out to the best of their abilities. This leads me to my third point.

    Value Each Other

    Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

    I can’t tell you how much a simple thing like “thank you” changes my day. Yet words like “thank you” or “I appreciate the job you did today” are very seldom used. When they are, they stand out.

    To value your fellow coaches and executive members means that you also trust them to do their job without micromanaging them.

    A club with a positive culture gives professionals and executive members alike the space they need to do their jobs well and the resources they need to do it.

    They also pay these individuals what they are worth and respect their time outside of the rink.

    A positive club culture is one that allows members to set healthy boundaries and maintain a work/life balance.

    Opportunity for Mentorship and Growth

    Every member of an organization or club needs a chance to grow within that organization. Opportunities for education and promotion should be regularly provided in order to keep members challenged and fulfilled in their careers.

    Novice coaches should be assigned a senior coach as a mentor to provide them support and guidance. The knowledge and experience mentor coaches can provide up-and-coming coaches are invaluable—particularly for female coaches—and will increase coach retention in the long run.

    Openness to Feedback

    No one likes receiving negative feedback. Myself the least of all. But in order to maintain and nurture a positive club culture, it is critical that all members in a skating club take a step back from their own egos and really LISTEN to feedback when it is offered. When members feel safe to open up about their concerns and feel valued and heard, the entire dynamic of the organization changes for the better.

    As an example, my daughter used to dance at a studio where I felt like I was always overreacting or being a hysterical female when I brought up my concerns to her instructors or the director. (I want to be accurate; there were two instructors that went over and above to help my daughter and recognized that she needed modifications; they were the reason we remained as long as we did).

    While lip service was paid to my concerns, nothing was ever changed, and I felt alienated and devalued, much like my daughter was feeling.

    As I later found out, my daughter was diagnosed with special needs, and we left that studio for one that has one of the best organizational cultures I have ever seen. Every time I have approached any of the teachers or the owner of our new studio about any concerns, I have been met with absolute openness and care, and best of all, action was immediately taken.

    This is what inspires people to remain loyal to your organization.

    Constant Vigilance

    As I mentioned above, it is not enough to simply write a mission statement about what the main values are for your organization. Now you have to “walk the walk.” This is where most organizations fall down.

    Photo by fotografierende on Pexels.com

    With so many changes in our executive members and sometimes coaching staff, the values and beliefs that are so integral to each figure skating club require constant care and follow-up in order to maintain. Positive club cultures are not a “one-and-done” thing.

    Another practical yet ground-breaking idea from Brene Brown is the idea of “rumbling with vulnerability.” Simply put, this is a meeting (on a continuous basis—I would recommend weekly) where everyone comes together with a total commitment to complete openness and vulnerability.

    Everyone is required to share a viewpoint and back it up; no one is allowed to sit back and coast. The idea is to set aside ego and come together, in understanding and vulnerability, to find workable solutions to any issues.

    I can’t state strongly enough how much I wish we had these at the skating clubs I have worked at. And yes, for those of us in the profession long enough, we are supposed to have coaches’ meetings, but are those really open?

    Do people feel they can be vulnerable and will be supported in sharing their issues? Are the executive members present at these meetings too? Shouldn’t they be?

    As you can see, creating and maintaining a positive culture in your youth sports organization or figure skating club can be a difficult process, but it is well worth it.

    If you are a club executive member, skating school director, dance studio owner, or club coach, I highly recommend reading any of Brene Brown’s books, particularly “Dare to Lead.” It may help you create a more positive club culture in your organization.

    If you want to hear more about organizational culture in youth sports, watch for our “Coaches on Edge” Podcast, where we dissect our experiences and thoughts concerning organizational, club, and studio culture. You can find us on Anchor, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Breaker, Overcast, Pocketcasts, and RadioPublic!

    We’ll be joined by Shawna Kwan, Owner of Elan Dance Arts: Dance Teacher, Choreographer, Business Mentor, and Entrepreneur, as we discuss the things we do to maintain a positive culture for our athletes.

    If you have any questions, comments, or pointers for creating your own positive culture you’d like us to discuss on our podcast, let us know in the comments below!

  • 6 Things I Learned from Starting a Podcast

    6 Things I Learned from Starting a Podcast

    I never thought I would be a retired skating coach. Skating was my passion, my life and my reason for getting up in the morning. Coaching quickly became my new passion after university, and I had always envisioned myself as one of those coaches sitting on a stool teaching from the boards at 90, still loving it and giving back.

    Circumstances changed, and demanded I “pivot” from my 30 year career in coaching. Truthfully, it was a struggle. So much of my identity was wrapped up in seeing myself as “coach” that when it was stripped away, I didn’t recognize myself.

    Even though I’d found a gig that paid my bills, it didn’t feed my soul and challenge me the way coaching did, and I floundered away from the sport. I knew I had more to say, but I didn’t know how to say it.

    One day, as I was aimlessly flipping through the available apps on my phone, I came across Anchor, an app designed to let anyone start their own podcast with zero cost and minimal equipment.

    After floating the idea by a couple of coaching friends we were in business and we are now three podcasts in and loving the process.

    Along the way, I’ve learned a LOT about myself and thought I would share some of my realizations with you. So without ado, here are 6 things I have learned about myself by recording a podcast.

    1. My Imposter Syndrome is Alive and Well

    Photo by Ibolya Toldi from Pexels

    I’ve always suffered from low self-esteem and imposter syndrome. Therapy, self-talk and affirmations (things every coach is VERY familiar with) have helped me with my self-image to the point where if I’m having a bad day, I can “fake it” perfectly with no one the wiser.

    There is always a little voice inside my head that surfaces when I am trying something new or putting myself out there that asks, (in it’s insipid voice), “who do you think you are?” or, “why do you think people would want to listen to you?”

    When you podcast, you’re sharing a little bit of yourself to the entire world (well, at the very least, our 5 subscribers…hey…we’re new!) It’s scary to be that vulnerable, knowing that you could be opening yourself up to criticism. Each podcast gets a little easier, but it’s still there.

    2. My Love of Skating is NOT Dead

    I’ve made no secret concerning my opinions on the issues I see systemically within our sport system in Canada, particularly for coaches working in smaller centres. After thirty years of coaching, and in particular the last nine years in a place that seems to be a hotbed of rumor, back-channeling, and toxicity, I was drained and disillusioned.

    I felt that there MUST be something wrong with me, because no matter how hard I worked, or how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to make things better. As the saying goes, “same shit, different pile.” There is nothing worse than doubting yourself at every turn and walking on eggshells. When you add to that a history of chronically being undervalued and underpaid, as so many of us are, it results in burnout.

    Over a year ago, I made the decision to NOT return to coaching, and it was like a weight had lifted off of my chest. I had no idea how much I had let the culture around me affect my mental and emotional health. And to be frank, I didn’t have much good to say about our profession in general.

    I now know that was the depression and anxiety talking, and that my love of the sport is NOT DEAD; the lessons I have learned from doing it, and how I FEEL when I help young athletes learn, have kept my passion and interest alive. By sharing my thoughts, concerns and feelings in a safe environment with my trusted coaching friends, I am slowly finding my love of the sport again.

    3. I Needed Grown-Up Time

    Not that we need reminding, but, this year has felt like a zombie-fucking-apocolypse y’all, and the isolation was really starting to get to me. Like, having-entire-conversations-with-my-daughter’s-LOL-dolls and breaking-into-show-numbers-from-Hamilton-at-any-given-moment kind of getting to me.

    Just being able to schedule an hour of intelligent, constructive, ADULT conversation with friends who absolutely “get” the world of coaching is GOLD.

    4. I Need to Learn to Enunciate

    I had always thought of myself as fairly articulate, both in the written word AND speaking. Turns out…not so much. In our last podcast we were chatting and comparing the two skating styles of the US skater Nathan Chen, and our Canadian icon Patrick Chan.

    Now, I KNOW that their last names are “CHEN” and “CHAN” respectively, and I know when we were chatting about these two skaters I said Nathan Chen and Patrick Chan, but upon listening to the playback, I quickly realized that I was not very clear when it came to pronouncing the short “A” sound in Chan.

    SIGH…..diction lessons for me it is. You will find me reciting “the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane” a la “My Fair Lady” for the next little while. The irony is I actually teach English as a second language every morning and spend countless hours helping young kids learn how to properly pronounce those same sounds!

    So for anyone listening to our third podcast, I am in fact saying “Nathan CHEN, and Patrick CHAN”….. but you just can’t tell.

    5. I Am Blessed to be Surrounded by Intelligent Friends

    I am blessed in my life. Every single one of my friends teaches me something every time I interact with them, and my co-hosts on our podcast are no exception. I learn something new about myself, the sport of figure skating, and coaching in general by our frank discussion.

    Photo by APG Graphics on Pexels.com

    I’ve always been a believer that sharing ideas and opinions is the best way to learn and grow, and this podcast has only reinforced that belief. Picking topics and sharing viewpoints, whether you are in agreement or not, opens your mind and helps you grow as individuals.

    6. It Really Matters to Me That This Podcast Can Inform and Inspire New Coaches

    As you get older, you always wonder what you will leave behind. Have I made life better for at least one person? Have I made a difference in the lives of my students, my friends, or my child?

    With each podcast I realize I have a forum that my friends and I can utilize to inform others about the positives and negatives related to professional coaching. I’m hopeful we can do it in a funny, candid and constructive way, and provide some degree of mentorship and inspiration.

    As senior coaches, and particularly as women in coaching, it’s our job to open doors and support those coming after us. It’s the least we can do for our sport, and to repay those that helped us along the way.

    It’s always scary to put myself out there, but I’m so glad I did. I’m enjoying creating our podcast so much, and I encourage you to listen and become part of the conversation!

    Check us out: Coaches On Edge on Anchor, Spotify, Google Podcasts, RadioPublic, Breaker, PocketCasts, and Overcast.

    Have you stepped out of your comfort zone with any new ventures lately? Share your experience and what you’ve learned in the comments!

  • Coaching Neurodiverse Athletes

    Coaching Neurodiverse Athletes

    I have a confession to make. I used to be one of those coaches who did not believe ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder) was a real “thing.” I cringe as I write this, but there it is.

    I can remember YEARS ago as I was in the midst of coaching a group of young boys for an ice show number. The boys were a handful, and I had been informed that several of them had ADHD.

    “Right,” I thought to myself, “all these kids need are a strong hand and firm boundaries….seriously.”

    So I cracked down. I was firm, and strict. Hell, I ran that practice like a drill sergeant. And those poor kids had no fun whatsoever.

    When I think back to that time, I can’t believe how ignorant I was…..I had no knowledge of ADHD, and just assumed in my hubris that it was the result of inadequate parental discipline. I still shudder to think of my lack of empathy and understanding for those poor kids suffering with invisible conditions, as well as the parents doing their best to help them.

    Fate has a twisted sense of humor, and she decided I was in need of a serious karmic tune-up. The first person put in my path to teach me valuable lessons was a competitive skater. I had worked with many recreational skaters in the past with ADHD and other special needs, but I had not had the pleasure and the challenge to work closely for a long period of time with a higher level athlete.

    It was an eye-opening experience. There were so many behaviors I observed over the course of our years together that I was to learn were simply not in my athletes’ control, and I experienced first-hand the struggles faced physically, mentally and emotionally these brave kiddos face every-single-day.

    I also learned that despite all of my coaching experience, my university degree, and my thousands of dollars spent on my NCCP coaching courses over the years, I had received virtually no training in 20 years of coaching with my association, (up until that point in time) on how to coach neurodiverse athletes.

    It was an aha! moment, and I immediately went to work to learn as much as I could about conditions like ADHD, ASD, giftedness, dyslexia, processing disorders, executive function issues and so many others…..and let me tell you, there is a LOT to learn.,

    After taking courses in Learning Disabilities and ADHD with different associations and colleges, I felt better equipped to be the best coach I could be for my skater.

    Then fate hit me with the second of it’s one-two punch.

    I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My miracle baby after years of infertility. And it quickly became apparent that there was something different about her; not better or worse, (although she certainly demanded MORE of me than other babies and toddlers her age seemed to demand of other parents)…..just….different.

    Sure enough, after years of research, advocating, homeschooling and fighting against judgement and stereotyping…..I had a diagnosis….well, one of possibly many diagnoses….my daughter has ADHD. And anxiety. And executive function issues….and possibly Aspergers. Let’s not forget possible dysgraphia. Or the possibility of processing issues….oh yeah…and pretty sure she’s gifted too!

    (note: I am aware Aspergers has now been grouped under the autism umbrella and categorized as an Autism Spectrum Disorder–ASD–but Asperger’s and “Aspie” is the term we have chosen to use.)

    Holy fuck.

    On a personal level, I found out just how amazing, wonderful, frustrating, overwhelming and draining it feels to be the parent of a kiddo with an invisible disability and superpower like ADHD.

    Not gonna lie though, sometimes it feels like I am drowning.

    Over the course of the years, as my daughter tried different activities like skating, karate, soccer, and dance, I was able to observe many different types of teachers, coaches and dance instructors as they worked with my daughter.

    I felt I had a unique viewpoint given my many years coaching, and my years parenting a neurodiverse child to REALLY understand what it takes to teach kiddos with unseen disabilities.

    And I was, unfortunately, often disappointed.

    I say this with the utmost respect to those amazing teachers and individuals I have encountered who were fully educated about my daughters needs, and those who went over and above to help her and really individualize her learning experience.

    Some of my best friends are teachers, educational assistants and coaches to special needs kiddos, so I see and appreciate those who actively work to make a difference every day.

    Unfortunately, most teachers, coaches and dance instructors simply don’t have the tools in their toolbox, the knowledge, or even the motivation to learn the techniques required to work with these kids.

    And even MORE UNFORTUNATELY, most sports and educational institututions don’t supply adequate training or compensation for their teachers/instructors who deal with children with special needs, and are equally lacking with resources and supports for those who need it most.

    I remember clearly my daughter coming home sobbing from school, not understanding why her teacher got mad at her for not finishing her work on time, or taking off her outside clothes after recess before she was late for class. Even though I stressed that my daughter struggled with executive functioning, working memory, and fine motor skills, all of which required more time and assistance to complete most tasks, her teacher was not able to give her the time, grace or help she needed.

    I also remember a couple of my daughters’ dance teachers making the students sit on the studio floor for long lectures, a task that is painful for kids with ADHD. I also watched them giving long lists of instructions or corrections that were difficult for my daughter to follow and, in my opinion-the cruelest thing of all-telling the kids that only the students that could sit still and be quiet enough would be the ones who would get the best parts in the dance.

    My daughter felt unseen, unheard and unworthy. She still has nightmares about that particular dance studio. We have since changed studios and are with a wonderful, inclusive studio where my daughter has found her love of dance again.

    But the damage was done.

    So in an effort to save my fellow coaches some time as they work with athletes that may have these invisible disabilities, I thought I’d compile a list of the things I’ve experienced and information I’ve researched in an effort to better help YOU help YOUR students.

    Before we get started, I’d like to impart a few words of caution.

    When talking to your athletes parents about what you are seeing with their children, don’t normalize the behavior in an attempt to make them feel better. How often have you heard or been part of a conversation like this?

    Tired parent: “So how did Sally do in her lesson today?”

    Coach: “She did well, but she was pretty busy, she had trouble standing still and listening to me giving directions.“

    Tired parent: “Sorry, she has a hard time maintaining attention, but she is listening….(sigh), she’s just very busy and it takes a lot of work to keep her on track.“

    Coach: “All kids are busy, but she just needs to pay attention to the instructions so she knows what to do in the lesson.“

    Sounds okay, right? The coach didn’t sound mean, just explaining what behavior is required in the lesson. I mean, we’re taught to be clear about our expectations, right?

    The problem lies with the “all kids are busy” part.

    You may think by down-playing that child’s hyperactivity you are making the parent feel better by pointing out that all kids are busy, or have difficulty paying attention.

    But you aren’t making them feel better. In actual fact, you are making them feel awful.

    Think about it. Kids with invisible disabilities have an actual, proven, neurobiological and physical disability. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. They simply are MORE, and because of these deficits they demand MORE from parents and coaches.

    Would you tell a parent of a child with cerebral palsy, “it’s okay, all children have trouble with movement and muscle tone.”

    Pretty sure you wouldn’t. But when you tell a parent of a child with an invisible condition that “all children” are like that you are devaluing their entire experience of parenting their child. You are in actuality giving credence to the judgment they hear every day from people with no knowledge of the biological reasons for their children’s differences.

    You are, in effect, saying that if all children are like that, then it must be an issue with the environment or parenting.

    And that’s just shitty. Even when it’s meant with the best of intentions, it still hurts. The shame and recrimination we feel and think every day as the parent of a neurodiverse kiddo is a pretty heavy burden. Trust me, we already judge ourselves more harshly than other parents. So don’t add to that guilt, okay?

    Next, as the saying goes, “if you’ve met one individual with autism, you’ve met one individual with autism.” (Steven Shore)

    This means that no two neurodiverse athletes will have the same characteristics, strengths and weaknesses as the other. Every neurodiverse individual is unique, as coaches it is our job to figure out what works, what doesn’t and how to adapt our teaching styles to best accommodate them. It’s not their job to accommodate us…..they are physically unable to do so.

    You have to approach every neurodiverse student as if they are a puzzle to figure out. You have to observe their behavior, discuss their needs with their parents who are often the BEST source of information, research their conditions, talk with other coaches or teachers who have had success with their own special needs students, and finally, use trial and error in your approach to coaching them.

    Coaching students with invisible special needs is not for the faint of heart. These kids can try your patience and knowledge to the Nth degree, but when you figure out how they learn best, you will be richly rewarded. Without further ado, here are a few common sense and easily applied strategies you can use in your every day coaching these athletes.

    1. Keep Your Instructions Short

    Really short.

    THIS.SHORT.

    Seriously guys, I can not stress this enough. Asking kids with attention deficits to sit through long lectures, explanations or any instructions longer than a few chunks of information is actually not only unrealistic, it is almost cruel to them.

    Give instructions in short, easy to remember chunks. Then send your student off to try it.

    If you use “cue” or “key” words when you teach (and you should, because…hello!) then you need to try to use the same 4-5 keywords for everything.

    I know, this is hard to do….especially if you are working on two very different skills in a lesson, but do your best. It is critical that you make your instructions as easily accessible for their brains as possible.

    Think about it, learning is an incredibly complex process-when you learn something new you have to be able to access and rehearse the information as you hold it in your working memory, and then incorporate it into your motor program carefully enough so that you myelinate the correct pathway!

    And let’s not forget that the brain also has to convert that information from your short-term/working memory to long-term memory, and then be able to figure out where you stored the correct information when you need to access it in subsequent practices.

    And of course, if you struggle with regulating attention, this will hamper the process of encoding the information….this is what happens when you have students who have seemingly grasped a skill or concept one day, then appear to have no knowledge of the skill the next. It feels like you are re-teaching skills constantly and can get quite frustrating. This leads me to my next point.

    2. More Patience, More Understanding, More Kindness

    Imagine what the learning process feels like for your neurodiverse students. These athletes are giving you every effort they can, doing their best to attend and learn, and they still struggle to retain skills from one day to the next, watching their neurotypical counterparts pick up the skills more rapidly and with less effort.

    It’s not fair, and as a coach, you absolutely have to give support and empathy to these athletes. They will require more understanding, more patience, and more kindness than you may have ever thought you have.

    Don’t think you have that level of support in you? Trust me, you will find wells of empathy you never knew you had, because when these kids finally achieve a skill they have worked and cried and literally bled for, it will feel like they have won the freaking Olympics.

    (For a great infographic on how we encode, store and retrieve information, check out learnupon.com)

    The learning process for any new skill is hard enough for a neurotypical learner, let alone a child who has a deficit in the brain processes required for these tasks…which leads me to my next point, kids with processing disorders.

    3. Give the Gift of Time

    A neurodiverse athlete or learner will often have difficulty in any one of the steps required to encode, store or retrieve information.

    Often, upon hearing verbal instructions, students with processing issues require time for the auditory input to reach their brain. I think of it as that swirling circle you see when you type information into your web browser and are waiting for it to load.

    You have to give your neurodiverse athletes more time then you would normally give your neurotypical athletes when you give instructions. If working in a group setting, give the instruction, using only a few chunks of information (remember, SHORT instructions) and send your neurotypical athletes out first to practice the skill.

    Then, use the time with your neurodiverse kiddos to check for understanding. You can ask them to repeat what you said, and if you detect they are having difficulty you can repeat, rephrase, or reform your instructions, perhaps drawing a picture, or demonstrating the skill yourself while stressing the cue words.

    Even more helpful would be pictures of the instructions posted for them to refer back to when necessary.

    Too often, I see coaches blaming kiddos for not paying attention, or not caring, when they don’t understand given instructions. Remember, A CHILD WILL DO WELL IF THEY CAN, if they cannot, it is our job to help them to do well.

    Talking louder and repeating the same instruction to your athlete when they struggled to understand it the first time will. not. help. It only creates anxiety and frustration in the learner.

    I heard a brilliant analogy of this from the “Leaky Brakes” Brake Shop Webinar offered from the Child and Parent Resource Institute in London Ontario. I highly stress you check them out, because it will CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK about kids with impulse control problems.

    Here’s the analogy: Imagine you have a beautiful sports car. This car is the top of the line, it can drive faster than any car on the road. Now imagine, there’s a leak in the brake line of this beautiful car. This car simply cannot stop when it needs to.

    Will yelling at the car and repeating “stop, stop, stop!” help the car to stop?

    Will threatening to take away the best oil from the car if the car doesn’t stop help the car to stop?

    No, identifying that there is a problem with the brake line, that the car is physically UNABLE to stop at this time, and figuring out how to fix the brake line is how you fix the problem.

    We have to change how we approach and work with these kids, realizing we cannot have the same expectations from them as we have from neurotypical kids.

    And we absolutely cannot use the same language, motivation, or discipline techniques with our neurodiverse athletes as we do with our neurotypical athletes.

    It just won’t work.

    4. Help Them Prioritize

    Often, athletes who seem to not give their best effort in a task are not procrastinating out of disinterest, they are unsure how to begin. Many neurodiverse athletes have deficits with executive functioning, which impedes how they access information to complete tasks.

    In order to complete any task, we must be able to organize our thoughts enough to pick a beginning point. This involves prioritizing the elements of a task and picking the most important to complete first, organizing each subsequent element of a task in sequence, and finally, accomplishing the appropriate portion last.

    This act of determining which elements of a skill must be practiced or completed first is sometimes the biggest obstacle to a neurodiverse athlete as they attempt to learn new skills and incorporate instructions.

    In order to help, first, keep instructions short, and repeat them as many times as necessary for the athlete to remember. Where you might teach a skill with the “whole-part-whole” approach for a neurotypical athlete, when it comes to dealing with students who think differently, you must parse your instructions down even more.

    Lower your expectations with regard to the time it takes to learn new tasks, and break skills down into chunks involving only 2 chunks of information or physical actions at a time.

    Next, give your instructions using this phrase: “First…….then….”

    Giving instructions in this format helps neurodiverse kiddos pick the most important step to begin with, and the next step to do after they have accomplished the first.

    This gives them a clear path to learning the skill with much less use of brain power on their part, allowing them more enjoyment in the learning process itself.

    I also highly recommend writing these instructions down where they are easily accessible, such as laminated lists you can re-use daily. Having instructions posted where neurodiverse learners can see them helps them when they lose focus and become distracted.

    5. Dial It Down

    Many student athletes have “sensory processing” disorders, which deals with the way a body receives and processes sensory information from the outside world. Children that have sensory issues often experience stimuli more strongly than others, and things like loud noises or bright lights can be painful for them.

    If you know or suspect that an athlete may have sensory issues, you might want adapt their learning environment, choosing times when there is less stimuli, less people, and less noise. If you are teaching a sport in an environment that requires music, then watch the volume of the music, and make sure to modify it if it causes issues for the athlete in question.

    Teaching group lessons with students who struggle with distraction may be difficult, however, kids that struggle with social cues learn so much about how to interact with their peers when they are working with a group of friends toward a common goal and under the guidance of an instructor.

    I recommend a balance of group lessons for work on social skills and private for intensive skill work in order to provide the best benefit for your neurodiverse athletes, but remember, every neurodiverse kiddo is different, so trust your instinct for what you feel will work best for them.

    From taste, touch, pressure, sight and hearing, be prepared for your neurodiverse athletes to exhibit sensitivity in any of these areas, and work to lessen the discomfort so they can train free of distractions.

    6. Delayed Development

    All coaches have received training concerning the difference between chronological age (years) and developmental age (maturity). When working with neurodiverse children, it is important to remember two things:

    First, it is very common to see delayed development in kiddos that have hidden disabilities like ADHD or ASD. Children can often lag behind several years from their counterparts.

    This means that while you might be teaching a student who looks 12, he or she may be up to 3 years behind their counterparts in not only physical, but also social or emotional development.

    As coaches, we have to recognize this lag and adjust our expectations on everything from emotional control to reading social cues.

    Second, development in children with hidden disabilities and issues is often ASYNCHRONOUS, particularly in children with multiple special needs-often called twice- exceptional children.

    This means that you could be dealing with a gifted 8 year old child who knows more than you about the Canadian political system, yet struggles to grasp basic time management each practice, and may have the emotional control of a 6 year old.

    Be prepared to meet your neurodiverse athlete on all levels in order to best engage them as they learn.

    7. Embrace Anxiety

    This sounds funny I know, after all, who wants to embrace anxiety? What I mean is, as a coach, you have to realize that anxiety goes hand-in-hand with neurodiversity. Children who suffer with invisible disabilities often know they are different before they are even diagnosed. They know things are harder for them, and they feel shame and anxiety about not fitting in.

    Often anxiety will show up as perfectionism, negative self-talk, crying, or reluctance to practice. Even more often, the anxiety about failure, or being different, will manifest in stomache aches, headaches, aches, pains and melt downs.

    It is important to remember that if you have a child athlete that exhibits these symptoms often, and all possible physical causes are ruled out, then you are likely looking at a physical expression of their psychological turmoil.

    Don’t accuse them of making excuses or trying to get out of work. They didn’t ask for this. Instead do what you can to alleviate their anxiety.

    Help them name their fears, if they can’t express how they are feeling then they can’t address how to control those feelings.

    Once your neurodiverse athletes have named their fears, don’t discount them or issue the typical “stop worrying” advice that we so often hear. While it is important to recognize your students’ anxiety, it is equally important to not try to fix it, or tell them to stop worrying. Doing this invalidates your athletes feelings, after all, they are allowed to feel what they feel.

    Instead, start teaching mindfulness, growth mindset and relaxation strategies EARLY and OFTEN. Then practice, practice, practice.

    I can’t stress this enough. As a coach of neurodiverse athletes, you must stay on top of their mental training….it will be as important as their physical training.

    Once you have the basis of these strategies, stress to your athlete that anxiety is natural, but they have the tools to cope with it and you have faith they can do it.

    Anxiety is a tricky monster for neurodiverse athletes, but it CAN be controlled with CONSISTENT EFFORT from them, and CONSTANT support from you, their coach.

    8. Change Your Thinking

    As coaches, we have this belief about what it takes for kids to be coachable. We’ve all seen those memes we circulate on Facebook, hell, I’ve even circulated some of them.

    I know you all know the ones I’m referring to, memes that start like this:

    Ten things that have require zero talent.

    Being on time. (ten times harder for kids with executive function issues.)

    Work ethic. (hard for kids with ADHD or ASD that are prone to distraction, which is often mistaken for laziness.)

    Effort (often neurodiverse kids are so riddled with anxiety they give up, or they don’t even know where to begin due to executive function or processing disorders.)

    I hope you are all starting to see what I am talking about here. It’s time to stop posting these motivational memes. We need to stop applying these neurotypical expectations to our neurodiverse athletes because they shame those athletes for which these behaviors are ten times harder.

    We have to adjust our expectations when teaching kiddos that think differently. This means:

    Stop asking them to look you in the eye when you are talking to them, often this makes it HARDER for neurodiverse kiddos to focus.

    Stop asking them to stand up straight and stop fidgeting when you are explaining a task to them. Many kiddos have balance or coordination issues that require them to lean on something for support, and some have chemical imbalances that make it next to impossible to not fidget.

    Stop asking kiddos to stand in line and wait their turn. Aside from just poor coaching (yes, I said it) asking neurodiverse children to stand in a formation and do nothing but wait their turn is not realistic and sets them up for failure.

    As coaches, we need to change our beliefs about how we teach our students and what we expect from them. There are more neurodiverse athletes out there than we realize, and we simply haven’t adapted our teaching techniques to accommodate their needs.

    It’s time we let go of outdated practices, and started really exploring how to best help this underserved population of athlete.

    Sports can be a life-saver for kids struggling with invisible disabilites, following these simple tips can change lives for the better, both yours and your students.

    If you have any tips for teaching and supporting neurodiverse athletes, feel free to share!

  • Coaching Chronicles: Keep Your Chin Up Coaching Friends

    Coaching Chronicles: Keep Your Chin Up Coaching Friends

    Originally posted February 2018

    A coaching friend of mine texted me last week.  I hadn’t heard from her in a while, but I had worked with her for a decade, and we keep in touch as often as our busy lives allow.

    This friend is an accomplished skater and coach.  In many ways, she exemplifies what the spirit of coaching is about; someone who passionately gives of themselves to their clubs and their skaters, often at the expense of their own well-being. In short, this is a person who has earned my admiration through the quality of her words and actions on the ice, everyday, for a decade.

    My friend is the kind of coach who is capable of teaching every level with ease. She has a wealth of technical know-how, a calm and supportive demeanor and a heart that guides her to volunteer most of her expertise and time to run some of the most successful programs in her club.

    And when I spoke with her, it broke my heart.

    You see, my coaching friend is usually steady, unflappable and self-assured.  And I could hear the pain, incredulity and disbelief in her voice as it cracked, on the verge of tears, as she told me about what was happening.

    It seems that after years of selfless devotion, of coaching athletes to gold levels, producing stellar results, leading the way by providing a shining light of volunteerism and excellence, and steadily growing the numbers of members in her organization, the club that should have had her back had decided to demean her, belittle her, and strong arm her with loss of work, all over a small issue that could have been addressed through simple communication.

    As I listened to my friend break over the phone, my heart ached for her. I wish I could tell you that this was an anomaly.  But the sad truth is, coaches are often the brunt of terrible disrespect, harassment, verbal abuse and manipulation by executives and clubs that should be showing them respect and deference.  And the reason they can get away with this is that we have a system in our country that allows it.

    Full stop.

    I’ll say it again.

    Our system is broken and does. not. support. coaches in smaller clubs.

    I’m not making this up.  One of the top officials in our section said to a room full of us in a seminar I attended a few years back that “he didn’t care about the clubs”.  The tone of the lecture was very much that he was delivering a slap to the wrist to all of us coaches who weren’t doing our jobs to get skaters interested in competing.  I know this was the tone because I made it a point to ask other coaches who attended what they thought, and they too felt they were being spoken down to and reprimanded.

    Photo by Markus Spiske from Pexels

    It also did NOT escape my attention that the majority of coaches in that room were women.  I can’t help but wonder, if it was a room full of men would the tone of that meeting have changed?

    So, is it any wonder that this style of leadership filters down to the clubs that work underneath them?

    The culture of any organization starts from the top down, it’s not rocket science.

    When you create a system that puts more and more onus on coaches to pay through the nose for training and insurance, and you restrict their ability to work anywhere else but under the umbrella of your organization, you now have a monopoly where anything goes, and people look the other way.

    And then to rub salt in the wound, when you have procedures set up within that system for harassment and abuse of power that don’t work because the organization that is supposed to help you and you have been paying into for your entire career doesn’t have the manpower or the resources to follow through on it…there is no accountability.

    This means there are no repercussions for these volunteers with little to no knowledge of our sport when they decide to manipulate, strong arm, defame, disrespect and take financial advantage of the coaches that work for them.  It is striking how much it happens.  And it makes me furious.

    I want to be careful here.  I have met many, many, amazing volunteers and executive members, and when clubs work, they are excellent.  I want to make sure I don’t lump the good with the bad, because there are many ethical, caring and wonderful people whom I have been honored to work with.  Sadly, though, it’s about a 50/50 split between the good and the not so good.  And that’s when the coaches bear the brunt of the abuse.

    I can remember working for a small club in the mid 2000’s.  I was proposing a new program, called the Junior Gliders, and wanted it to be a new version of group programming that would promote accelerated progress and skating excellence for the beginners who had a passion and an affinity for the sport.

    Photo by bongkarn thanyakij from Pexels

    I spent well over 100 hours in devising the program, structuring it in much the same way as our current Star Program in SkateCanada.  We divided the mini-lessons into disciplines, with approx. 6.5 minutes of each station spent on either dance, jumps, turns, spins, edges, or moves in the field.  I also devised stroking exercises, each set to its own specific piece of music, so that when it was time to rotate, the kids would practice different skating skills as a full group based on whatever music was music playing before they switched to their next circuit and their smaller group formation again.

    We started the session with basic exercises on lanes for a warm up, rotated through three to four mini-lessons each day and followed up with theatre and four-lane high-way exercises for our cool down.  Twice weekly we offered this program, and we also provided an extra session called Junior Plus for those kids that wanted three days a week of skating. 

    On the third day, we encouraged the skaters and their parents to hire a private coach for some semi-private or small group lessons and some free practice time.  Of course, we also provided practice plans in books for each child who could read, AND pictures around the boards for those who weren’t old enough to read yet.

    The amount of work it took to run this program was staggering.  Particularly because I went the extra step of planning each lesson for each discipline for every single day of the year, complete with progressions, teaching tips, diagrams, and circuits.  I also coordinated the lessons, so that what a coach was teaching in one mini-lesson with one group (for example outside edges) would then coordinate with what the other coaches would teach i.e., outside three turns in the turns lesson, forward one-foot spin with spiralling entry in the spins mini-lesson, and salchows for the jump mini-lesson.

    Then of course, there was the music.  By the end of the season I had recorded at least 10 different hour-long CD’s, complete with musical cues for warm-ups, station switches, theatre, seasonal and holiday themes, you name it.

    I worked hard on this program.  And it was amazing.  I know it’s not considered cool (particularly for a woman) to brag about their accomplishments, but it was ahead of it’s time.  In fact, I often wonder about the similarities between that program and the Star program and Canskate programs SkateCanada uses now, because there are many.

    The reason I have explained this to you in such detail is because you need to know just how much work goes into creating and delivering a quality program.

    After creating the program, printing up all the lessons and materials, and organizing the entire program so it could virtually run itself, I then presented it to the executive.  The total cost of the work I had put in to create and develop the idea, with the time spent on the ice coaching and overseeing it combined with time spent preparing off the ice for it’s delivery from September through until the end of April would have cost at minimum $14,000. Of course, I knew there was NO way our club could afford this much, so I then told them I would do it for as little as $8,000 spread out over the course of the 8-month period it would run.

    I SHOULD have been paid $1000 a month for the work I put into the program. 

    They offered me much less. Much…. MUCH less.

    Slap-in-the-face-total-disrespect-for-the-work-I-had-done-or-the-innovativeness-of-the-program-insultingly-less. Now, I did go back and argue my case, and I ended up receiving slightly more than the initial offer….but it was still not congruent with what I should have been paid.

    You see, the sad fact is, very few people who aren’t involved with skating have any understanding of how much work we put in as coaches.  There is this misconception that it is just a hobby; something we do on the side to make a little extra money. I mean, it’s not a real career, is it?

    For some of us that may be true.

    But for most of us, to be a skating coach means you are a highly dedicated individual with years of training and expertise that very few people have. We spend hours online, getting our certifications, being assessed, filling out workbooks, networking, studying, and reading to hone our craft.

    So now, put those highly qualified people in the hands of a group of volunteers who have total power over our careers.

    Let me say that again.  These people have the power to demand that we work for less than we are worth.  If you live in a small town, and you need to work, this means you have little to no recourse other than to accept their terms…. I mean, a coach has to eat right?

    Basically, our options become; work for less and be exploited by people with no respect for the work we do or the sacrifices we make, or don’t coach at all.

    I’ve seen it happen over, and over, and over. To too many coaches to count, and I’ve had it happen to me more than I can say.

    It’s frustrating and infuriating.  We work in a system that allows this type of abuse of power and exploitation of arguably its second most important asset. (the first being its athletes of course).

    How does this make sense?

    So, I wanted to write this blog to reassure my friend that I and all the other coaches who have gone through this have her back.  That she has made a difference to me and how I coach, and to all the students she has coached or who have learned their skills through programs she has run.

    Just yesterday, as I was teaching one of my Canskate students in a private lesson, I used a technique I learned from her. It worked like a charm.

    You see, sometimes the only reward we get is the knowledge that maybe, just maybe, we have made a difference.  Maybe we’ve left our students better skaters, and better people because of what we’ve taught them.  Maybe somewhere, someone glides a little faster and holds their head a little higher because of the example we set for them.

    Sometimes it’s only that knowledge that keeps us lacing up our skates each day.

    My friend, your influence reaches farther than you know.  Never doubt your worth, and never let people with no regard for what we do as coaches take that away from you.

    Sound familiar? Sound off below!

    I want to hear your experiences, let’s start a revolution!