BellaZinga.Blog

Category: Neuroatypical Kids

  • Checkout Challenges: With a Healthy Dose of Gaslighting

    Checkout Challenges: With a Healthy Dose of Gaslighting

    So, a thing happened to me yesterday.

    In the grand scheme of things, it might not seem like a big deal, but the proverbial straw broke my back. As I sit, shaking, in the throes of my 5th panic attack since it happened – and desperately hoping that writing this blog is distraction enough to help me gain control – I’m still attempting to process it all.

    Photo courtesy of Hawaii News Now

    But first, a little background for those who don’t know me well

    I’m the full-time single momma to a whip-smart, precocious, multi-talented child who also happens to be on the spectrum, has ADHD and struggles with anxiety. This weekend has been a great weekend for her and, therefore, for me. 

    We went to see Avatar on Friday night with a friend from her old dance studio. To see them connect, share stories, support each other, and have a real-life give-and-take exchange (rare and difficult for some kiddos on the spectrum) warmed my heart and gave me hope.

    You see, while she has a few friends at school, I don’t consider them the best types of friends. Although considered her bestie, one, in particular, is not the most supportive, often putting my daughter or her interests down and ignoring her to be on her own device when she comes over for a sleepover.

    The reason I explain this is that context matters

    Context is key to understanding someone’s mental state in time. We all know this; how many “Bell Let’s Talk” days have we been subjected to? (Don’t get me into the hypocrisy behind this particular company talking about mental health issues; I’ve chosen to separate the source from the message and appreciate the attempt to raise awareness).

    The point is, it’s been an awful few months for us. My poor kiddo was sick repeatedly in the fall, and just when we thought she was out of the woods, BOOM, she got ill again within the first week back to school after the winter break.

    That enough can be exhausting for single parents doing their best to work, care for their sick children, and attempt to care for themselves (I was sick too).

    Add to this school avoidance, executive function issues out the wahoo, a ramping up of all sorts of sensitivities due to adolescence and hormones kicking in, multiple physical symptoms of anxiety that put my daughter in pain nearly 90% of the time, and of course, ever constant bullying and social isolation from so-called friends.

    I did the best I could to support her

    All through these issues, as I’ve done her entire life, I’ve done my best to “see” my daughter. My goal is to accept her differences, applaud her strengths, acknowledge her anxieties and give her strategies to help her cope with them. It’s not easy, and more often than not, I become her emotional trash can, where she spews out her anger, frustration or inability to control her environment at me.

    When you deal with an hour of school avoidance behaviour, including begging, crying, screaming, slamming doors, self-harm, tummy aches, headaches, dizziness, aggression, insults, and yes, sometimes physical attacks on me (she doesn’t mean it, at the moment she doesn’t know how to find a suitable outlet for her frustration) ….it becomes traumatic, both for her and for me.

    And before anyone offers help. Yes, I am connected to resources and have read many books on strategies to deal with these behaviours. But knowledge is one thing; living with it is something entirely different.

    Photo courtesy of Supportiv

    I now understand that many mothers of autistic children suffer from PTSD 

    I couldn’t figure out why I had been so sad and disaffected lately. Yes, it’s been difficult, but many good things have happened lately, too. I’ve been practicing my gratitude; I got a new, better-paying job and have multiple coping strategies at my fingertips.

    But I’m fatigued all the time. I feel like I’m slipping into a depressive fog again where all I want to do is stay in bed where it’s warm, and I don’t have to deal with anything. I’m trying to find time to get out, even to just go for a walk, but between trying to balance my job with my child’s needs, sometimes it can be challenging to find the time for showering.

    Then I started learning about something called hypervigilance. Basically, it’s the state of being ultra-alert, constantly assessing the environment for threats, even when there are none.

    This should start to sound familiar to any mom out there who’s had a child get sick. It’s the feeling of sleeping with one eye and one ear open in case you have to run to the hospital.

    For the moms of neurodivergent children, hypervigilance goes into overdrive. Anything and everything can be a trigger for a meltdown. What if her anxiety is so bad that she can’t last all day at school? Will I have to go pick her up? How do I make sure I’m available to do that? 

    She’s at a sleepover, but I know she won’t eat the food. She’s losing weight drastically, so I have to pack her a cooler of foods she’ll eat and follow up to ensure that’s been made accessible to her throughout the night.

    She’s away for a class trip, the first one she went on without you (because you’re desperately trying to foster independence), but you get a call from the parent chaperone. You must listen to her hyperventilating and freaking out on the phone as they struggle to calm her down.

    The list is long y’all, and if it’s hard for me, imagine how difficult these things are for my daughter. This permanent state of constantly assessing possible danger can lead to trauma responses similar to those in combat. 

    Of course, parental judgment comes into play too

    Now factor in that we live with my parents (thank god, because I don’t know how we’d make it otherwise), and while they don’t help much with her actual childcare as they are older and she can be a lot to deal with, the financial support has meant the world to us.

    This is why it’s so difficult when they, particularly my father, disagree with how I parent her or even acknowledge that her differences require different parenting techniques than neurotypical children.

    There is judgment in some way or form every single day. (although I have to admit, my mom has come a long way in educating herself and acceptance!) Add to that the fact that I, myself, have never felt that I fit in with my family, and the psychological stress of attempting to be a positive emotional support for my daughter when she needs it often leaves me in a state of burnout. 

    I’m afraid to speak out about what happened to me yesterday since I know my parents will not back me up.

    You see, the overarching narrative about me in my family is that I am “too”

    Too much. Too sensitive. Too outspoken. Too blunt. Too soft. Too psychological. Too analytical. Too much of an activist. Too liberal. Too….too…too…

    After a while, you believe that there is something wrong with you. And that adds to the endless pile of crap I have to wade through daily.

    Finally, on to the main event

    Now that you have the set-up of the scene and are aware that because of my circumstances, I was feeling exhausted and emotionally numb before even entering my local store, it might help to understand better.

    I needed to buy a few grocery items, including lactose-free chocolate milk, and this store is one of the few places that carry this particular brand. (my kiddo will drink nothing else, of course)

    I’ve grown up in the same village, and this store is a mainstay for the locals. My mother alone spends literally thousands yearly (she loves grocery shopping, it’s her happy place), and I even used to work there many years ago.

    Of course, I can’t afford to shop there much for my larger shopping hauls, as it’s just too expensive, but it’s been drummed into my head by my parents that you need to support local businesses, and I feel I have to shop there because of this mantra.

    Plus, everyone is super lovely, and the produce is excellent, so there’s that

    So I quickly walked around the store, smiling at patrons, receiving smiles back, and lining up to pay at the checkout. I am always kind, saying my please, excuse me’s and thank-you’s to people when they move for me, letting people with less cut in front of me, and in general, trying to take up as little space as possible.

    I could feel my anxiety build as I got up to the belt and started unloading my groceries. Like every other store, it is now our job to bag our own groceries, which I don’t mind; in fact, I enjoy piecing together groceries in their proper place; it’s like a game.

    The problem is the time factor. I always feel rushed. No matter how fast I bag my groceries, the check-out person always waits for me to pay.

    So then I’m thinking, do I pay first, then finish bagging? At Walmart, there are two areas to bag groceries per station, so even if I’m not done, there is still room for the next person to start.

    But at our local store, there is zero room for anyone to start processing their order until you have entirely bagged and removed your groceries from the counter. So what often happens is you are left to furiously finish as the cashier tells you your total and stares at you expectantly – just waiting.

    It is during this phase that my anxiety really ramps up. I can feel myself starting to sweat, knowing everyone is waiting for me. I try to go faster, but no matter how fast I go, I can’t bag in time for people NOT. TO. WAIT.

    By now, my heart is pumping so furiously I feel like people should be able to see it pulsing from my chest, I am hyperventilating, and those steel bands clap around my chest – getting tighter and tighter. I feel like a cornered animal. I know this is me perceiving threats when there are none, aside from perhaps broken societal expectations, and I can usually deal with it.

    Except for today.

    Suddenly, the gentleman who is next in line walks up to where the debit machine is (where I have to go back to pay still) and flourishes his shopping bag open with a flick of his hand as if to say, “come on, let’s get this show on the road.”

    Seriously, it’s like he was challenging me to a duel a la Princess Bride. 

    I haven’t even paid yet, I’m still doing my best to go fast, and of course, the young man at cash is just standing there, doing nothing to help, and eying me expectantly.

    I’m so astonished at this level of passive-aggressiveness that I half-jokingly say, “geez, rush me, why don’t you.”

    The customer thinks I’m joking, so he laughs. And I quickly finish and walk back to the POS to pay with my debit card. 

    He doesn’t move. He stands there, just off my left elbow, where he can see my debit information and within my personal space. I’m now full-on triggered.

    I turn to him, put up both hands spread in front of me and say, in a loud and commanding voice, (I don’t think I shouted, but I was emphatic):

    “Please, could you give me some personal space? I wasn’t kidding; I’m feeling very stressed and anxious right now.”

    Photo courtesy of Discovery Mood & Anxiety Program

    Stillness. It’s as if I’ve murdered someone. I am looked at like I’m the one with the issue.

    He laughs, maintains his smile, and walks back to the end of the counter where his wife is waiting.

    I finish my transaction, and as I grab my cart full of groceries and prepare to exit the store, I hear him say, “nope, I’d better wait so I don’t get in trouble.”

    Then the cashier laughs with him and  responds, “I think you’re safe now.” They both laugh again. 

    As I leave the store, over and over, I hear them mocking me as I try to control my tears.

    I’m still struggling to process it all

    When I got home, I knew I had to be alone to digest what had just happened and not worry about my kiddo seeing me like I was. I walked outside, careful to be out of view from any windows, and had a 45-minute panic attack, sobbing, hyperventilating, rocking, and all the other hallmarks of these oh-so-familiar events.

    When I had pulled myself together and entered the adrenaline hang-over stage of the attack, I went back to the car and unpacked my groceries.

    I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. 

    I would never intrude on another person’s space like that or make them feel hurried or rushed. To me, that’s the ultimate unkindness. 

     I also felt I was within my right to ask for personal space to keep my banking information safe and to help me feel less threatened.

    Could I have done it in a more pleasant tone of voice? Maybe. But I was in the grip of anxiety, which I did my best to explain.

    And yet I was mocked for it. And the cashier joined in. Not one person in that store showed me kindness or empathy.

    Would this have been different if I had not been a woman? I can’t help thinking that this was gaslighting behaviour at its best, telling me I was crazy because I voiced my distress and my limitations.

    The parallels between so many other people dealing with mental illness are hard to ignore, as are the parallels between women standing up for themselves throughout history and being victimized because of it.

    Either way, I’m now coming down from my fifth panic attack since it occurred. I’ve gone back and forth between calling the manager to complain or even posting on Facebook. But the problem is, it’s a small community, and I can tell you that if my parents found out, they would not support me in speaking up for myself. 

    And, of course, I would, MOST CERTAINLY, be labelled as difficult.

    And that’s a shitty feeling. But what I can do, and do well, is write about my experience. I’ll do it anonymously if possible (cowardly, I know!), but I want to let anyone else know when and if they go through these experiences:

    I SEE YOU. You aren’t alone. And no one has the right to make you feel crazy or less than for setting your limits. For being outspoken for yourself or others. For having an opinion that doesn’t fit within the status quo.

    Well, what d’ya know…it worked! My heart rate is back to normal; my breathing has returned to shallow and (somewhat) even breaths.

    Turns out blogging might be an excellent panic-attack strategy after all.

    Have you ever experienced anything like this? Let me know in the comments, and share your story to help others!

  • ADHD Symptoms You Might Not Know About

    ADHD Symptoms You Might Not Know About

    It’s been another tough week for my neurodivergent kiddo. Well, if I’m being truthful, it’s been a difficult few months capping off a lifetime of difficulties. From her feelings of isolation to medication moodiness, school avoidance, and everything in between, it sometimes feels like she’s always swimming upstream, and I’m powerless to help her.

    So, I decided to hit up my trusty laptop and use my voice to hopefully make the world a little more educated about the troubles children like my daughter endure. My hope is by providing information about conditions like ADHD and ASD, I might help the world be a kinder, more accepting place for my daughter and other children like her. 

    I decided to start with ADHD, as I feel this is a disorder that many people don’t take seriously enough. As a figure skating coach with thirty years of experience, I can attest to the lack of training and understanding I had when I was coaching. And I can attest to the tone-deaf techniques and coaching methods still used today for kids that think differently.

    Given that ADHD affects between 5%-9% of all children and 3%-5% of all adults, we all need to do our part to learn how to help and support those suffering from this chronic disorder. In this blog, we’ll look at some of the lesser-known symptoms of ADHD that you might not know about. 

    So, buckle up, and let’s get started!

    A Quick Refresher

    Are you familiar with ADHD? Well, if you’re not, here’s a quick primer. ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects your ability to focus and stay on task. 

    It’s caused by a mix of environmental and genetic factors. It can cause executive functioning, working memory, organization, and emotional regulation deficits. When it comes to what regular people know about ADHD, the most common symptom is hyperactivity. 

    This is because it’s the most visible symptom and often leads to disruptive behaviors in the classroom (and elsewhere!). But there’s more to ADHD than hyperactivity; other symptoms include difficulty with procrastination, impulsivity, inattention, and forgetfulness. 

    So, now that you have a refresher on what ADHD is, let’s get into the lesser-known symptoms you might not be aware of.

    8 Lesser Known Symptoms of ADHD

    We all know about the difficulty regulating attention and the hyperactivity that often comes with ADHD (at least, you should by now unless you’ve been hanging out under a rock?), but there are so many other challenges presented by this condition. 

    Let’s examine some of them in more detail; after all, the more you know…

    1. Time Blindness

    People with ADHD focus on the NOW to the exclusion of everything else. This is because their brains have difficulty processing time as a concept, leading to a condition called “time blindness.” 

    Its symptoms include: 

    • Being unable to tell time so that appointments and deadlines are forgotten or arrive unexpectedly 
    • Difficulty organizing tasks in a logical order 
    • Not being able to anticipate the future or plan ahead 
    • Feeling as if time is passing too quickly or too slowly 
    • Difficulty with transitions and moving on to the next activity 

    Time blindness is more than just bad timing; it’s a severe impairment that can lead to procrastination, missed deadlines, and a lot of frustration. 

    If your ears are perking up at any of these behaviours, reach out to your doctor about ways to manage time blindness. Taking this issue seriously is essential because it can considerably impact your life.

    1. Executive Function Disorder

    Ah, executive function disorder. It’s the bane of many people’s existence, yet few know what it is. Executive function disorder (EFD) is a symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder that hampers the ability to plan, organize, and manage tasks. 

    What is executive function?

    Executive function disorder is an ADHD symptom that is often overlooked. It’s like the forgotten stepchild of ADHD — but don’t worry, it can still get all the attention it needs. It might make it easier to define executive function as the ability to get stuff done.

    EFD affects the brain’s ability to plan, organize, and complete tasks. It’s as if the brain is constantly saying, “I’m not sure what to do next!” To put it in simple terms, imagine having a bunch of little elves in your head, all running around in different directions, and none of them know what they’re doing!

    What causes EFD?

    The root cause of EF disorder is an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Basically, the brain isn’t firing off the right signals to the right parts of the brain. This can lead to needing help staying focused, organizing thoughts, and completing tasks.

    For those with EFD, tasks that may seem easy to others can feel like monumental challenges. It’s easy to get frustrated and overwhelmed when you just can’t keep up with the demands of daily life. 

    Psst…remember this the next time you feel your blood pressure rise when your child’s room looks like a warzone yet again. They actually have a brain-based reason for struggling to clean their room. 

    But it’s important to remember that EFD is manageable. With the proper correct accommodations and strategies, you can learn to manage your child’s symptoms and help them live a successful life.

    1. Social Anxiety

    Another symptom you may not be so familiar with is social anxiety. That’s right—ADHD can actually cause social anxiety. If you have ADHD, you may be hyper-aware of your surroundings, causing you to be highly anxious in social situations. 

    You might be more self-conscious than usual and worry that everyone is judging you or watching your every move. Or, you might have trouble interpreting social cues, such as facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language, making it challenging to “fit in” with your peers. This social anxiety can be tough on kids and teens. 

    They’re already dealing with the stress of growing up, and this extra layer of anxiety can be overwhelming. Fortunately, with effort and learned strategies, anxiety can be managed. Working with a trained professional to develop coping skills and learning how to better regulate your emotions can make a huge difference. 

    4. Trouble Getting to Sleep

    Sleep issues are a common symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder that often go unnoticed. While it’s well-known that people with ADHD have difficulty concentrating and staying focused, many don’t realize that these issues can affect their sleeping patterns. 

    Struggling to sleep is a common issue for those with ADHD, but it can be especially problematic for those who don’t realize why they’re having trouble. Whether it’s due to racing thoughts, difficulty winding down, or an inability to “shut off” their mind, those with ADHD often find themselves in a catch-22 when it comes to getting a good night’s rest. 

    Don’t fret; there are plenty of strategies to help those with ADHD get to sleep more easily. Whether setting a strict bedtime routine, sticking to a regular sleep schedule, or even taking medication, there are many ways to get the restful sleep you need. So don’t let ADHD stop you from getting the rest you deserve!

    1. Poor Working Memory

    If you think ADHD only affects kids in the classroom, you better think again! Poor working memory—one of the lesser-known symptoms of ADHD—can cause significant problems for adults, too. It’s not just about forgetting your car keys or where you left your phone. 

    Poor working memory can affect your ability to remember instructions, recall details, and complete tasks. If your career requires you to juggle multiple tasks, this can be a real problem. 

    Again, this is where proper tactics and techniques can help improve your working memory. Things like breaking down large tasks into smaller steps, using lists to keep track of what you need to do, and using reminders (like notes or alarms) can all help you stay organized and on-task. 

    If you think poor working memory might be the culprit behind your disorganization or difficulty completing tasks, it’s worth talking to a doctor or therapist about your symptoms. With appropriate strategies and support, you can find ways to manage your ADHD and get back on track.

    1. Emotional Dysregulation

    The typical picture in everyone’s minds when they think of ADHD, is of kids bouncing off the walls, not being able to sit still, and having difficulty focusing. But what many people don’t realize is that kids with ADHD can also have trouble regulating their emotions. 

    So, what exactly is emotional dysregulation? Basically, it’s when someone’s emotions are all out of whack. They might feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, or all of the above, and they don’t have the tools to calm themselves down. 

    This is known as emotional dysregulation, which can be incredibly difficult for kids (and adults!) to manage.

    What is emotional dysregulation? 

    This condition can lead to outbursts, meltdowns, and other disruptive behaviours. It’s important to note that emotional dysregulation isn’t a character flaw; it’s a symptom of ADHD. It happens because of how the brain is wired, meaning it’s not something the person can control. 

    That’s why it’s essential to find strategies to help kids with ADHD manage their emotions. Some approaches to help kids with ADHD regulate their emotions include:

    • Deep breathing
    • Taking a break
    • Distraction
    • Mindfulness exercises
    • Talking through their feelings
    • Exercise

    Another great tip is to create a plan for handling big emotions in advance so that everyone knows what to do when they feel overwhelmed. 

    Emotional dysregulation can be incredibly difficult to manage, but it is possible. With the right tools, kids with ADHD can learn to regulate their emotions and lead happy balanced lives.

    1. Poor Self-Esteem

    It’s not news to anyone that having ADHD can significantly impact one’s self-esteem. From the constant barrage of criticism from teachers, peers, and even family members for not living up to their expectations to the inner dialogue of self-doubt and feeling like you’re just not good enough, having ADHD can take a toll on one’s self-confidence. 

    But what causes poor self-esteem in those with ADHD, and how can parents and caregivers help their children feel better about themselves? 

    One of the most critical components of low self-esteem in those with ADHD is feeling “less than.” Whether at school, the arena, or even among peers, those with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder often feel less intelligent, talented, or capable than those around them. 

    This feeling of inadequacy can be exacerbated by their difficulty completing tasks or performing to the same level as their peers, leading to a downward spiral of negative self-talk and self-doubt. 

    Luckily, there are steps caregivers can take to help their child cope with and manage the feelings of low self-esteem associated with ADHD. 

    • First, it’s important to recognize that it’s not the child’s fault—it’s the ADHD. 
    • Acknowledge that your child is doing their best and that trying their best is enough. 
    • Next, focus on their strengths and successes, no matter how small. It helps to build their confidence and reminds them that they are capable. 
    • Finally, encourage them to set realistic goals for themselves and celebrate the small steps they take toward reaching those goals. 

    With patience, understanding, and a little love, you can help your child with ADHD find self-confidence and feel better about themselves.

    8. Trouble Getting Out of the Zone

    It’s no secret that the symptoms of ADHD disrupt lives, but there’s one symptom that often goes overlooked: zoning out. You know how it goes—you’re in the middle of a conversation, and suddenly you’re lost in thought, only to come back to reality with no clue what the other person just said. 

    What is zoning out?

    While zoning out is common in everyone, it can be a particularly frustrating symptom of ADHD. So, what is zoning out? It’s a distraction period that can last from a few moments to a few hours. It’s like a mini-escape from reality that can happen without warning. 

    During this time, you can be unresponsive and unaware of your surroundings, and it can be hard to snap out of it. 

    Why do you zone out?

    So, what causes zoning out? It has many triggers, including boredom, fatigue, or overwhelming emotions. It can also be a sign of a more serious underlying condition, such as depression or anxiety. 

    Here are some ways to prevent or lessen your “zone-out time” each day:

    • Taking consistent, daily time-outs can help reduce fatigue and give your brain a chance to recover. 
    • Being mindful of your emotions can also help. If you notice the overwhelm taking over, draw a few deep breaths and focus on the present moment. 
    • Finally, talking to a professional can help you better understand the underlying cause of the zoning out and provide you with helpful strategies to manage it. 

    Zoning out may not be the most disruptive of the ADHD symptoms, but it can still be a source of frustration. Understanding what causes it and how to manage it can help prevent it from becoming a problem.

    Now You Know a Little More About ADHD

    It’s clear that ADHD presents itself in many different forms, and it can be challenging to identify the symptoms in yourself or a loved one. But now that you know more about what it looks like, you’re in a better position to recognize and help those in need. 

    If you or someone you know is living with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, it’s vital to seek help and resources to better manage the condition. No one should have to suffer through the symptoms of ADHD alone, so take the time to do your research and find the right support network. 

    Remember, the more you know about ADHD, the better equipped you are to help those around you. So take the time to learn more about this complex condition and how you can help those living with it.

  • Challenges and Rewards of Raising a Neurodivergent Child as a Single Mom

    Challenges and Rewards of Raising a Neurodivergent Child as a Single Mom

    Raising a neurodivergent child as a single mother can be a roller coaster, full of unique challenges and rewarding moments. As a single mom to a child with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and generalized anxiety, I’ve had more than my fair share of struggles. Keep reading for a few examples of the unexpected twists and turns you might encounter on this journey.

    Challenges of Raising a Neurodivergent Child

    Let’s look at the difficulties of raising a neurodivergent child as a single mom first. As much as I’d love to say it’s all sunshine and flowers, it’s not, and you will find some obstacles you both have to overcome. Here are a few I’ve found:

    Your child’s special interest becomes your special interest

    As a neurodivergent child, your little one might have a deep passion for a particular subject or activity. And as a single mom, you’re the primary source of support and encouragement. So get ready to become an expert on everything from Pokémon to medieval history, even if it’s not your usual jam.

    My daughter’s special interests to date have been:

    • Dinosaurs
    • Geisha girls (she was young, so I made sure to describe them as, ahem, party planners)
    • The Titanic (please don’t ask me how many times I’ve seen the movie!)
    • Henry VIII and his wives
    • HAMILTON!!!
    • Six the Musical (guess she never left Henry and his wives behind)
    • Fashion and make-up trends through each decade
    • MUSIC!!!!

    I’ve found that if you tie special interests into the learning process for school, or daily activities, it helps keep kids interested in the activity and more excited about learning.

    Unexpected meltdowns in public

    Neurodivergent children can sometimes react intensely to sensory stimuli or changes in routine. And as the only parent present, you’re the one there to help them through it. In other words, it’s alllllll you, mama!  So be prepared for some interesting looks from strangers as you calmly–or not so calmly, who are we kidding–talk your child down from a meltdown in the middle of the grocery store.

    Judgment from, well, everybody

    Let’s face it, people will judge you. I wish it were otherwise, but you will discover that everyone and their dog will have an opinion–usually an uneducated one–about how you should discipline your child. From well-meaning teachers who have a few days’ worths of training and think themselves an expert to parents stuck in the more traditional child-rearing path, you will feel their criticism, which will cut to the bone. I wish it were otherwise, believe me, but better to be prepared for it than not.

    Everything is a masterclass in psychological strategy

    From anxiety to school avoidance to demand avoidance, these are terms you will get intimately familiar with. You will also have to throw everything you know or think you know about parenting out the window. Parenting a child who isn’t physically or mentally able to regulate their attention or emotions, follow instructions, or plan ahead is another level of parenting. 

    You will have suggestions and strategies thrown at you from every corner. From ABA therapy to reward charts to visual prompts, you’ll become an expert at it all. Some of these suggested techniques may take a LOT of your time and energy. Not a word of a lie, but one specialist gave me a 14-page set of instructions to implement a reward system for my child. 

    14 @#$% pages! 

    Clearly, he is not a single parent and doesn’t understand the first thing about our struggles or level of overwhelm! So mama, when this happens to you–and I guarantee it will–take a breath and remember that you can choose the right strategy for you and your child, so-called experts be damned.

    Rewards of Raising a Neuroatypical Kiddo

    Okay, now the doom and gloom part is over, I’ve got good news. You will have many feel-good moments raising your special needs child, and the best advice I can give you is to cherish every accomplishment, no matter how big or how small. 

    Those moments of success, whether they are finally brushing their teeth by themselves, or making a new friend at school, will make all the difference in your ability to cope with the struggle. Here are a few more perks I’ve encountered:

    Your child’s unique perspective enriches your life 

    Neurodiversity is beautiful, and your child’s unique way of thinking and experiencing the world can open your eyes to new possibilities. You might find yourself laughing at their quirky sense of humor, being inspired by their creative ideas, or simply enjoying their unique perspective on life. 

    And don’t forget the embarrassment that comes from them announcing loudly to perfect strangers that you need to fix your roots. I promise you will laugh about it later, much later.

    You become a fierce advocate for your child

    As a single mom, you’re the only one standing up for your child regarding their education, healthcare, and overall well-being. And that means you become a social justice warrior for their rights and needs, learning everything there is to know about neurodiversity and fighting to ensure they have the support they need to thrive. 

    So be prepared to be “that” parent, and don’t stress if others see you as “that” parent. Sometimes we have to be “that” parent to get any help, and to hell with what anyone else thinks.

    Your child teaches you resilience and flexibility

    Raising a neurodivergent child as a single mom can be tough, but it can also teach you valuable lessons about picking your battles and not sweating the small stuff. They don’t want to wear a coat today even though you’re freezing? No problem, pack it in their backpack in case they need it.

    They only eat chicken fingers morning, noon, and night? (I’m convinced this is the universal symbol for autism btw) No sweat, search for the healthiest brand you can find and try to balance out their meal with less processed foods too. (A good multivitamin and probiotic yogurt also help to keep things even keel). 

    You might find yourself adapting to unexpected challenges, learning to roll with the punches, and ultimately becoming a stronger, more open-minded person.

    You will find a new tribe

    Help is out there, I promise. You don’t have to do this alone. Search on social media for groups of other single parents and parents of children with special needs. As much as we like to rely on our neurotypical friends for support, sometimes we need to find people who are living our experience. These people will understand what you and your child are going through and will likely have some advice to share. 

    Likewise, don’t be afraid to reach out for resources and funding; if you’re unsure where to start, ask someone who’s already been there. There is aid available to you; it’s not always easy to find, but if you search hard enough–I know, one more thing to add to your already overflowing plate–you will find it!

    Be Prepared for the Roller Coaster

    In short, raising a neurodivergent child as a single mother can be challenging, but it can also be gratifying. You’ll have to navigate some unique obstacles, but you’ll also have the opportunity to experience the world in a whole new way and become your child’s ride-or-die, so you may as well buckle up and enjoy the ride!

    What’s your experience been like as a single mom to a neurodivergent child? Did I miss anything? Make sure to like, share and comment so we can support each other!

  • Why We Judge

    Why We Judge

    I’ve been thinking lately about judgment.  What it is, how often we do it, WHY we do it to others, and how it makes us feel when others judge us.  The sad fact is, as a parent to a child with special needs, and in particular a neuro-diverse child where the disability is on the inside and not apparent from the outside, I have experienced more than my fair share of judgment.

    According to the great God Google, judgment is defined as “the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions”.  I find this rather ironic, since more often than not, the conclusions made about single parents, and particularly single parents of children with ANY type of exceptionality contain neither consideration or common sense. 

    Judgment is not necessarily a bad thing.  Let’s face it, we make 1000 judgments a day just to stay alive and maintain a peaceful existence. We judge if we have enough time to make the light safely before it turns red, we judge what food is safe to eat in our refrigerator and what could have spoiled and therefore give us food poisoning, we judge if it is safe to go outside during a thunderstorm, and we judge if it is the right time  to ask our boss for that raise based on her mood that day.

    Thousands of judgments. Every day.

    These types of judgments are necessary for survival and the propagation of the human race, after all, 50,000 years ago, our prehistoric ancestors made the judgment:

    SABRE-TOOTH TIGERS=BAD

    RUNNING AWAY=GOOD

    ……..thus ensuring our existence today. Judgment is necessary for us to navigate the world we’re in and reduce stress.  Hopefully judgments allow us to relate to each other and foster healthy relationships with like minded people.

    Yet, the judgment on my mind is that other kind of judgment.  The malicious kind.  The kind where someone decides that they know better than you, despite knowing nothing about your circumstances, your history, or your challenges.  The type that makes you question yourself and your actions.

    You all know what I mean, because every one of you reading this has been the victim of this kind of judgment.

    I remember when my daughter was three.  She was very musically inclined, so I enrolled her in a musical exploration class in town.  The class was wonderful, mothers and fathers, sitting in a group with their toddlers, singing songs, pantomiming, marching, playing with numerous toys and instruments that had been strewn about.

    The instructor was also lovely, and made a point of asking parents not to interfere or “tell” our children what to do, but to simply model the songs and dances required and allow them to explore and determine what they wanted to do.

    During one exercise the toddlers were expected to sit on our laps as we sat in a circle singing a song.  For one particular part of the song, we were required to help the children jump up and down in front of us.

    The instructor asked for my daughter to demonstrate.  Now, I have always known my daughter had excessive energy, even from birth, she now has an official diagnosis of ADHD, anxiety, plus the possibility of giftedness with, I suspect, some sensory processing issues.  Needless to say, she was a handful, and I was doing the best I could to navigate and guide her behavior to the very best of my ability.

    So, when the instructor in this small musical gathering asked for my child to demonstrate the song and sit on her lap, I was nervous, but I did my best to follow her instructions about not getting too controlling.

    Well, my daughter jumped alright, even when she wasn’t supposed to.  I watched as this poor woman did her best to control my kamikaze munchkin as she pistoned up and down on her legs, alternating between crazy bursts of height and then collapsing and giggling like a rag doll in her arms.  I didn’t know whether to take my daughter from her arms or not; I was of course embarrassed (and slightly bemused) by her behavior. I was a spectator, frozen, wincing at my daughter’s antics, and not knowing what the teacher wanted me to do.  So, I watched, mortified, until the song was done.

    Hurriedly, I rushed in to grab my daughter from the red-faced and obviously frustrated teacher. I quietly mumbled, sorry, she has a LOT of energy. She took a breath, and very loudly, in front of everyone in the group declared. “You have GOT to learn to control her.”

    I sucked in my breath, stunned, holding my daughter and feeling assaulted. Everyone in the room was watching.  I could feel my cheeks getting red. 

    Keeping my cool the best I could, I said, “I control her quite well, thank you very much.”

    I’m sure the look on my face was something to see, because she immediately looked away and continued with the lesson.

    I left that class feeling worthless as a mother.  I had been judged and found wanting, and worse; I had been called out in front of my peers.  Even though intellectually I knew I had done the best I could to monitor and control my daughter’s behavior her entire life, all it took was one comment from someone who knew nothing about my daughter, or our struggles, to make me doubt myself.

    Where does this come from?  Why do we do this to each other?  I know I’ve done it, despite my best efforts. It’s easy to decide something about someone based on YOUR experiences and YOUR knowledge, and hard to actually take a SECOND to put yourself in THEIR shoes. Let’s face it, who has time to ask someone about their life experiences before making a split-second decision about their behavior? We are all guilty of passing judgment.

    According to Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, Ph.D., from Psychology Today, these judgments are termed “attributions” and are basically thoughts we have that help us explain the reason behind others behaviors.

    As we go through our day, we tend to form two different types of attributions:

    Situational Attributions, where we make allowances for a person’s situation as the cause of their behavior. This allows for some fluidity, as a person’s situation can change, and gives us permission to look more favorably on a person or judge them less harshly.

    Personality Attributions, where we see the person’s personality as being the cause of the particular behavior. This tends to be a more fixed attribute, after all personality doesn’t change much does it? (I won’t get into all of the different theories of personality here, it’s been a loooong time since my personality psych class)

    So far so good. 

    This makes sense, right?

    But the article goes on to explain some pitfalls we encounter because of our tendencies to create these attributions.

    It seems that with strangers, we tend to give more weight to their personality being a factor in their behavior rather than the situation they are in. Since a person’s personality is more fixed and less fluid than their situation, this makes for some pretty damning attributions being made about that person.

    Conversely, we tend to give more weight to the situational explanations or attributions for things than personality attributions when we are dealing with the behavior of friends and family.

    So, in plain speak, we tend to give our friends the benefit of the doubt….. strangers…. NOT SO MUCH.

    And from here it gets even worse. When we have already established negative personality attributions or causes for behavior from someone we do not know well, we tend to subconsciously look for further proof to validate our beliefs when we see them again. This is called “confirmation bias“, where we unconsciously look for things that “confirm our existing beliefs.

    Accordingly, we filter out good behavior that would allow us to make positive attributions, and only attend to negative personality attributes for poor behavior, which we see as fixed and unchanging. This then only solidifies our judgement of them and sets us up to only focus on negative or personality attributes in the future.

    And so, the vicious cycle begins.

    In short, we see what we want to see, to hell with the truth.

    This brings me back to two questions, why do we make judgments about others, and why has it been on my mind so much recently?

    • Well, for one, I lost a good friend of mine just recently over her judgment of me and my parenting.
    • That same week an acquaintance of mine on Facebook was brought to tears at a baseball game.  As a single mother, she finally felt her 12 year old was old enough to leave at her ballgame while she went for a run.  Upon return, she was openly and loudly lectured and berated by an official from the team.  Needless to say, she was devastated.

    Both of these cases involved people who made judgments before even attempting to put themselves in our shoes.

    In the case of my close friend, who has a loving husband, a great job, a steady and large income, and gets to be a step-parent with the help of her husband and the other parents they share custody with, she felt she could judge me and my parenting by spending two days with my daughter and I and only slightly understanding the challenges I was facing.

    It all came about after we had too many cocktails our final night together. She made the very generous offer of flying myself and her to Mexico on her dime the following month. I was very thankful and told her so, but I needed to look at our commitments, and figure out when I could find adequate child care for my daughter. In addition, since I’m a contract worker, I have to figure out where I can find other work to balance the time I take off so I don’t lose too much income.

    She couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just leave my daughter with my parents for 5 days, even though they are 75 and my daughter is a handful on the best of days. I calmly asked her if we could talk about it when we were sober, but she then hinted that I should fly my daughter across the country to her fathers house to stay with him. My daughter talks to her father often on the phone, but has not spent more than a weekend with him at any one time, and only once yearly at that, so I thought she would understand why I was hesitant to fly my special needs daughter across the country to stay with him.

    She was having none of my “excuses” as she called them. And it escalated from there. She started spewing venom at me that became more and more hurtful the longer her diatribe against me went on.

    In her eyes, I was a failure, trust me, she made it clear……she actually, flat-out called me a failure.  (I believe she also called me fat, and a waste.)  She asked what had happened to me.  She screamed that everything was about my daughter and my life had gone nowhere.  And she ended it with a drunken “fuck you and fuck your daughter.”

    I kid you not.

    I’m still in shock about the ferocity and aggressiveness of the encounter.  I have another friend as a witness to the whole exchange, and she was also stunned. 

    In the end, my decision was easy.  I have no room in my life for someone who can’t understand what it is like to be the single parent of a special needs’ child.  She can’t understand the decisions I have to make every day, the self-doubt I harbor, or the struggle it is to provide the kind of monitoring, mentoring and advocating you have to provide EVERY.DAMN.DAY to a child that is hypersensitive, anxious, and struggles with focus, self-regulation and executive functioning. 

    I was more concerned about my acquaintance on Facebook, and the unfair treatment she had received at the hands of someone who was supposed to be promoting all the values of youth sport like team-work, understanding, guidance, balance, and patience.  You see, I know this woman, and she is fully invested in her child.  I see how hard she works to provide for her child, and how much she cares.

    Most importantly, as a single mother myself,  I KNOW how hard it is to find the time for self-care. 

    For her to try to look after herself, to FOR ONCE put herself first, and then to have to face the very public tirade of shame she was subjected to is simply unacceptable.

    Moms and dads everywhere.  Let’s make a pact.  Let’s only allow people in our lives that refuse to pass judgement on others. And when we see someone having their darkest day, let’s shine some hope, and attribute their behaviour to difficult circumstances.

    Let’s offer a hand, a shoulder, and some hope, instead of being THAT person who simply puts others down.

    “He that is without sin can cast the first stone.” John 8

    Have you ever been the victim of unfair judgments?  Let me know in the comments section.

    If you like my blogs, please, share with your friends!

  • Walking a Tightrope Between Parent of a Child with ADHD and Dance Mom

    Walking a Tightrope Between Parent of a Child with ADHD and Dance Mom

    I always knew my daughter was different, right from the womb. Not better or worse, just different. People tried to normalize her activity level, her issues with socialization, and her fears as “all kids have fears” but I knew she was different right from the get go.

    So now that we have a formal diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety, I am in the process of deciding whether to medicate for the ADHD symptoms, which is a dilemma in itself. ( I am convinced she is also gifted, and there may be other learning issues, but as we don’t have benefits there is no way I can afford a psycho-educational assessment right now.)

    I am a single parent. I work three jobs and home school my daughter because attending normal school became untenable….she suffered bullying and difficulties through out her first three years into grade 1, so much so that her physical symptoms of school avoidance, tummy aches, nightmares, outbursts, and constipation were dominating our lives.

    WHEN YOUR 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER STARTS TO TALK ABOUT KILLING HERSELF BECAUSE SHE WILL NEVER HAVE FRIENDS AT SCHOOL, YOUR HEART SHATTERS.

    But, I did my best to manage the symptoms of anxiety, because through junior and senior kindergarten, she was described as a “rock star” by her teachers, so I saw that there was value from her attending school.

    I should have known not to get complacent.

    Within a month of starting grade 1, my amazingly brilliant child who I couldn’t keep up with at home in regards to her curiosity and thirst for knowledge was suddenly behind in everything when the education style moved from learner driven to curriculum driven in grade 1. Suddenly, over the course of one summer, she went from being a “rock star” to being behind in every subject.

    It’s been a bumpy, ride, and I couldn’t love my daughter more. She is brilliant, and funny, and a true performer, and a caring and sweet little girl.

    But, she is exhausting. And I feel guilty for feeling exhausted by her…it’s a never ending cycle…lol. ( I laugh because if I cry I will never stop, and laughing is better)

    Today, I’d like to talk about my current dilemma in our neuroatypical saga.

    Photo by Skitterphoto from Pexels

    My daughter is a competitive dancer, and here’s my concern. We have been been four years at the same dance studio. She has been competing on the performance group for 3 of those years. She has been a performer from birth and she shines when she is in the spotlight.

    I have also found that she does better socializing in her dance group because they are all there for a common goal and they have constant direction in their lessons, so it is easier for her to read social cues and navigate the landscape.

    Not to mention the outlet for her creativity and energy is a godsend.

    But there are issues. My daughter is hypersensitive, and always has been. Things that would not bother other kids will bring her to tears and she will fixate on them for weeks.

    Several of her instructors give feedback in ways that I do not deem appropriate.

    Now, a little background on me. I am a national level figure skating coach with a degree in Kinesiology. I have been coaching for 30 years and my life’s work has been all about learning how to teach young students, and how to give feedback. I have lost count of the papers I have written and the other coaches I have mentored in terms of helping them learn how to coach young athletes, and I myself never stop learning and trying to better myself and how I teach my skaters.

    So I know what I am talking about when I see feedback given in a manner that is not conducive to building self-esteem.

    And I feel that these particular teachers need to be aware that some of their dancers are not good with always being told negative things with no positive to balance them, or being singled out publicly when they are corrected.

    This is hard to handle for a neurotypical athlete, let alone an athlete with my daughters issues.

    I have emailed constructive feedback, asking for some compromise in how feedback is given. I have also worked consistently with the studio in terms of sharing my daughters issues and her diagnosis. I have given them a wonderful website with a list of coaches strategies for working with athletes with ADHD and anxiety, and I have countless one on ones with the instructors. I have bought private lessons for my daughter to help her with the smaller details of dance and her focus (group lessons are hard for her due to so much going on).

    The problem is, nothing is changing. She still feels singled out. She still struggles with the way the instructors teach, and the studio is extremely disorganized. I can never be sure the information I give to the owner/director is being passed down to the teachers. Her private lessons were discontinued due to scheduling on their end, and despite repeated attempts to re-book, because my daughter loves them and they help her tremendously, nothing has been done.

    I know that this is likely to be an issue at most dance studios, because from my experience, most coaches are not well-versed on the differences between neurotypical and neuroatypical athletes. If we change studios, it becomes a 45 minute drive to find a new one, and I am already stretched to the limit.

    Photo by Alexander Dummer

    I’m at a loss. I feel like that parent that always has to advocate, and I catch myself wondering how much I have to help her to get accommodations for her issues and how much I should just tell her that there are always different kinds of coaches and you have to learn how to deal with criticism if you want to get better.

    To add insult to injury, the issue of feedback is only one of the many problems I have had where the teachers and instructors fail to heed my concerns about things that cause my daughter excess hardship in practice; things such as playing the music so loud that she has to cover her ears and cringe during practice and, yet, they still. won’t. turn. it. down.

    My daughter and I talk about the value of hard-work, goal setting, losing as an opportunity to get better and above all, enjoying the process and having fun ALL the time. I have gone to great lengths to show respect for the studio and all the teachers in front of her and use our conversations as a way to model good sportsmanship and coping skills, but secretly, I am fuming and feeling like the studio is utterly incapable of handling a special needs athlete.

    I’m really having trouble finding the balance between mom, coach and dance parent, and worse, I feel singled out, blamed and shamed every time I try to advocate for her. To be fair, I don’t think that is anyone’s intent, they do their best, but that is how it comes across to me.

    So I will continue to hold my arms out, and do my best to balance on the tightrope that is now my life, wavering back and forth between dance mom, coach, and parent of a special needs child.

    Do you have any stories to share about your neuroatypical child and the obstacles you’ve faced? Feel free to share in the comments!