Category: neurodiversity

  • Tamra Judge’s Autism Announcement: A Mother’s Perspective

    Tamra Judge’s Autism Announcement: A Mother’s Perspective

    When Tamra Judge, star of “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” recently announced her autism diagnosis, it sparked a whirlwind of reactions. As an autism mom of 13 years, my initial feelings were intense—ranging from disbelief to anger. Raising a child on the spectrum has been a journey marked by profound challenges, daily heartbreaks, and constant advocacy. 

    Hearing Tamra reveal her diagnosis so casually, without the depth of understanding or experience, felt like a slap in the face to families like mine who live this reality every day.

    But then I took a step back. Autism isn’t the same for everyone—it presents differently in every individual, especially for women who often go undiagnosed until later in life. Still, I found myself conflicted, questioning whether her announcement was genuine or if it was simply an excuse for her bad behaviour on the show. 

    In this blog, I want to explore these mixed feelings and offer a glimpse into the realities of autism, both as a condition and a diagnosis that impacts not just individuals, but entire families.

    A World Not Built for Kids on the Spectrum

    For kids like my daughter, the world can feel overwhelming—a place that’s too bright, too loud, too chaotic. It often feels like the world wasn’t built for them. My daughter struggles with sensory sensitivities, which makes it hard for her to be in busy, noisy places like school. The overhead lights, the constant hum of conversation, kids acting out—these things, which many children might find mildly distracting, are huge obstacles for her. 

    Autism Parenting Magazine explains that sensory processing issues are common in autistic children and can cause them to feel overwhelmed by sounds, lights, and touch. For my daughter, these sensitivities often trigger meltdowns and anxiety attacks that make a typical school day feel impossible to get through. She’s forced to endure an environment that’s almost tailor-made to overstimulate her senses.

    And then there’s the bullying. My daughter struggles with reading social signals, understanding concepts like personal space, regulating her voice volume, and following the flow of conversation. She often gets too close, speaks too loudly, or doesn’t know when to enter or end a conversation. 

    Despite her kind heart and good intentions, she’s been ostracized and bullied so severely that we’ve had to change schools. The pain of watching her struggle to fit in, of seeing her beautiful spirit crushed under the weight of her peers’ rejection, is almost unbearable. 

    And don’t get me started about the lack of acknowledgment, understanding or support from school officials, the staggering amount of time I had to spend advocating for her and the number of meetings I had to initiate to try and make school a safe space. (That’s another blog entirely).

    The Emotional and Physical Impact of Autism

    Anxiety is a constant companion for my daughter. The fear of being bullied, the pressure to conform, and the overwhelming sensory input create an emotional cocktail that often results in meltdowns

    These aren’t the minor tantrums that some people might imagine—they are full-blown panic attacks that can last for hours, leaving both of us completely drained for the rest of the day. And these aren’t just emotional responses—they manifest physically, too.

    Autistic children often experience physical symptoms tied to their anxiety, like gastrointestinal issues, frequent headaches, or even asthma. My daughter frequently complains of stomach aches and other physical discomforts on the days when her anxiety is at its peak. Anxiety and gastrointestinal problems are closely linked in autistic children, and it’s a struggle I see play out daily in my own household.

    Executive Function and Daily Struggles

    Even the simplest tasks, like getting ready for school in the morning, can feel insurmountable for my daughter. She struggles with executive function, which means organizing tasks and managing time can be incredibly difficult. While a neurotypical child might be able to get dressed, pack their backpack, and leave the house in 10 minutes, my daughter takes significantly longer because she can’t easily break down the steps in her head. 

    Executive function challenges manifest in autistic children in countless ways, making it hard to manage even routine tasks. For my daughter, things like tying her shoes, packing her lunch, or remembering what order to do things in are daily battles that take ten times as long as a neurotypical child would take. And when the world expects her to keep up with her peers, it adds even more anxiety to her already overwhelming load.

    Tying It Back to Tamra’s Autism Announcement

    This is why Tamra Judge’s announcement initially felt like a punch to the gut. As an autism mom, I know firsthand the profound challenges and daily struggles that come with raising a child on the spectrum. So when Tamra casually mentioned her diagnosis on her podcast, claiming she was diagnosed in one therapy session, it raised a lot of red flags. 

    Diagnosing autism typically takes multiple assessments with specialists, and the process is often lengthy and thorough. Could someone really be diagnosed in one session?

    Reality Blurb’s article on the backlash Tamra received highlights how Tamra’s announcement was met with skepticism, especially given her reputation for dishonesty on “Real Housewives.” To some, it seemed like she might be using autism as an excuse for her bad behaviour on the show—a harmful narrative that could reinforce negative stereotypes about people on the spectrum.

    Understanding Late Autism Diagnosis in Women

    But on the other hand, it’s also important to acknowledge that autism often goes undiagnosed in women, who tend to mask their symptoms more effectively than men. Tamra could very well be one of the many women who were overlooked in childhood and only diagnosed later in life. Autism is frequently underdiagnosed in adult women, who often learn to hide their struggles and adapt to neurotypical expectations.

    While my initial reaction was skepticism, I now see that Tamra’s diagnosis could still be valid. If she is truly on the spectrum, it’s important to have compassion for her and recognize that her journey may be different from others. However, it’s also crucial that we don’t allow this announcement to perpetuate harmful stereotypes about autism.

    Conclusion: Balancing Compassion and Critical Thinking

    At the end of the day, Tamra Judge’s announcement brings to light the complexities of autism, particularly in how it’s perceived and diagnosed in adults. While we should approach her situation with compassion, it’s equally important to demand a responsible conversation around autism—one that doesn’t reduce it to a convenient label or excuse.

    Autism is not an excuse for bad behaviour, and it certainly isn’t a tool for garnering sympathy or avoiding accountability. It’s a condition that profoundly impacts individuals and families and deserves to be discussed with the respect and seriousness it warrants.

    For those reading this, I urge you to educate yourselves further about autism and how it affects not only individuals but their families, friends, and communities. Let’s foster a conversation rooted in understanding, not judgment, and continue supporting and advocating for those on the spectrum in every way possible.

  • Unlocking Voices, Bridging Worlds: How Technology Empowers Autism Communication

    Unlocking Voices, Bridging Worlds: How Technology Empowers Autism Communication

    AI Assisted

    You, like many, may believe that the power of technology lies in its ability to connect us with people and information. It’s true; technology has indeed transformed the way we interact with the world. But what if I told you that for some, technology is not just a tool for connection—it’s a lifeline? Today, we’re diving into the world of individuals with autism and how technology is revolutionizing their communication, empowering every voice, and promoting neurodiversity inclusion.

    Imagine the world through the eyes of someone with autism—a world that often comes with unique communication challenges. Verbal expression might be limited or even non-existent, making it a daily struggle to convey thoughts, needs, and emotions. This is where technology steps in as a beacon of hope.

    Source: Pexels

    The Power of Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC)

    For those facing speech and language difficulties, Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC) technology has been a game-changer. One such remarkable tool is Proloquo2Go—an app that stands as a testament to the marriage of technology and inclusivity. It allows individuals to communicate by selecting icons or words, which are then converted into spoken language. Imagine the joy of finding your voice through a device, finally bridging the gap between thoughts and expression.

    Unlocking Emotions Through Technology

    Understanding and expressing emotions can be a complex journey for individuals with autism. Technology has responded with innovative solutions. Touch and Learn, an app designed like a captivating game, helps children with autism explore and comprehend emotions. It transforms the process of emotional learning into an engaging adventure. Picture a child’s face lighting up as they master the intricacies of human emotions, thanks to this digital companion.

    Vocabulary Expansion Through Play

    Another technological marvel, Otsimo, reimagines vocabulary development. Through interactive gameplay, this app transforms learning into a captivating journey. Imagine a child eagerly engaging with language-building exercises because they’re having fun, not because it’s a chore. Technology has made this possible.

    Fostering Independence and Connection

    The ability to communicate through a tablet or smartphone using AAC software opens doors that were previously locked. It grants some individuals with autism the freedom to express their needs and interact with others in ways they might not achieve otherwise. Think of the newfound confidence that comes with being able to order a favorite meal or express discomfort, all through a device you carry with you.

    The Role of BellaZinga

    At BellaZinga, we celebrate this incredible journey of empowerment through technology. While our store may not sell tech products, our mission aligns perfectly with the transformative power of these tools. We promote awareness, acceptance, and celebration of neurodiversity, with a special focus on autism and ADHD.

    When you shop with us, you support a vision of a world where every voice is heard and valued. Our clothing, shoes, and household items are more than just products; they’re symbols of a commitment to inclusivity and empowerment.

    As you explore our offerings, remember that you’re contributing to a brighter, more inclusive future. With every purchase, you’re spreading the message and helping individuals with autism unlock their voices and bridge the gap to a world that sometimes struggles to understand their unique perspectives.

    Technology is not just changing lives; it’s giving individuals with autism the means to express themselves, connect with others, and ultimately, lead more fulfilling lives. As we continue to embrace these advancements, we’re inching closer to a world where communication barriers cease to exist.

    Thank you for being a part of this transformative journey, for supporting BellaZinga, and for standing with us in the celebration of neurodiversity and inclusion.

    #TechForCommunication #Inclusion #Neurodiversity

  • Thanksgiving Analysis, Autism: Understanding the Holiday’s Impact on ASD Individuals

    Thanksgiving Analysis, Autism: Understanding the Holiday’s Impact on ASD Individuals

    Written with the help of AI.

    Thanksgiving is a time-honoured tradition celebrated with family and friends, involving a feast, gratitude, and togetherness. For individuals with autism and their loved ones, navigating the holiday can present unique challenges, such as sensory overload, changes in routine, and social expectations. By understanding these factors, creating an autism-friendly environment, and involving a supportive network, all your family celebrations can be joyful and inclusive events for all.

    A significant aspect of making Thanksgiving and other family holidays more accessible and enjoyable for autistic individuals lies in comprehending their unique needs and experiences. Those who have autism may experience heightened sensitivity to stimuli, including sounds, smells, and tastes, which can be overwhelming in a typical holiday gathering. Additionally, alterations to their regular schedules may evoke unintended stress or discomfort.

    To counter these challenges, it’s crucial to create a supportive and autism-friendly environment during Thanksgiving that acknowledges and accommodates these needs. By working closely with loved ones and collaborating on practical solutions, families can transform their holiday celebrations into cherished moments full of blessings and abundance.

    Key Takeaways

    • Creating an autism-friendly environment at Thanksgiving, Christmas and other holidays fosters inclusivity and enjoyment for all.
    • Understanding the unique needs and sensitivities of autistic individuals is key to navigating the holidays.
    • Collaborating with a supportive network can significantly ease holiday challenges and promote a joyful experience.

    Understanding Autism

    What is Autism Spectrum Disorder

    Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a complex neurological condition that affects the way a person processes information, perceives the world and communicates with others. It is called a “spectrum” disorder because it manifests in many different ways, with varying levels of severity. ASD is typically diagnosed in early childhood, and the signs become more apparent as children grow and interact with their environment.

    Affect of Autism on Social Interactions

    Children with ASD often experience difficulty in social settings, as they may struggle to understand and interpret social cues, facial expressions, and body language. They may also have trouble making friends, maintaining eye contact, and engaging in conversations. This can lead to feelings of isolation and anxiety for both the child with ASD and their caregivers.

    However, many individuals with ASD can develop strong social skills, with proper support and interventions tailored to their specific needs. Parents, teachers, and other professionals can help these children by promoting understanding and acceptance of ASD within the broader community.

    Understanding Autism Meltdowns

    Autism meltdowns are not tantrums, but rather the result of overwhelming stress, anxiety, sensory overload, or unmet needs. A meltdown can be triggered by a variety of factors, such as sudden changes in routine or unexpected events. They are an emotional and physical reaction to this stress, and often involve a loss of control over emotions and behaviours.

    During a meltdown, children with ASD may exhibit behaviours such as crying, yelling, or physical aggression. It’s essential to understand that these actions are not intentional, but rather a response to the overwhelming feelings being experienced. Providing a calm, supportive environment and employing strategies to prevent or address potential triggers can help individuals with ASD reduce the frequency and intensity of meltdowns.

    Navigating Thanksgiving with Autism

    There are a number of strategies you can use to make your family celebration easier for your autistic child.

    Pre-Thanksgiving Preparations

    To ensure a smooth and enjoyable experience during Thanksgiving (and subsequent holidays), it’s crucial for parents to plan ahead and prepare their child with autism for any changes in their routine. Discussing the new schedule and the upcoming events can help the child understand the differences compared to their regular routine. Providing a visual schedule or social stories can be particularly beneficial for children with autism. For example, thanksgiving themed visuals can help them comprehend what to expect during the day.

    Encourage the involvement of a support system, including friends and family members who understand and are comfortable with the child’s needs. This can make it easier for the child to navigate the changes in routine during the holiday.

    Navigating Thanksgiving Day

    On Thanksgiving Day, it is essential to maintain as much structure as possible while being flexible to any unforeseen situations. Depending on the needs of the child with autism, consider designating a quiet space where they can retreat during overwhelming moments. When attending family gatherings, consider bringing items or activities from home that the child is familiar with, as suggested by Autism Speaks.

    During the meal, provide options that cater to the child’s sensory needs and preferences. Keep in mind the possible challenges with social interactions and adjust expectations accordingly. Encourage participation, but respect the child’s limits and allow them to take breaks when needed.

    Post-Thanksgiving Analysis

    After the Thanksgiving celebrations, it’s essential to assess the child’s progress and overall experience. Review any challenges they might have encountered during the day and develop strategies to address them in future situations. Acknowledge the child’s successes and use this information to inform future planning and preparation.

    Ultimately, the key to navigating Thanksgiving with autism is a combination of thorough preparation, maintaining structure, and flexibility. By being proactive and understanding the child’s needs, parents and caregivers can ensure a more enjoyable and autism-friendly Thanksgiving experience.

    Creating Autism-Friendly Thanksgiving Environment

    These three C’s are so helpful to create an autism friendly environment.

    Autism-Friendly Activities

    One way to ensure an autism-friendly family get-together is to plan activities that cater to the sensory needs and preferences of individuals with autism. Consider incorporating toys and board games designed for those with autism spectrum disorder, and create opportunities for structured play. Additionally, using social stories can help prepare them for unfamiliar or potentially overwhelming situations that may arise during the holiday festivities.

    Creating an Autism-Friendly Menu

    Creating an autism-friendly menu is another important aspect of planning a Thanksgiving celebration that accommodates everyone’s needs. Traditional dishes like turkey should be included, but also consider the dietary preferences of individuals with autism, who might be picky eaters or have specific textures or flavours they avoid. For example, offering alternatives like velveeta shells and cheese can accommodate different palates. Collaborating with families beforehand can provide valuable insight into preferred foods and any dietary restrictions.

    Providing a Safe Space

    Thanksgiving celebrations can be loud and chaotic, potentially causing distress for those with autism. Providing a quiet and safe space for individuals to retreat to if they need a break from the festivities is essential for their comfort and well-being. Equip the space with noise-reducing headphones and soothing items like sensory toys or weighted blankets. Ensuring there are designated quiet spaces also allows for a more enjoyable experience for everyone.

    Incorporating autism-friendly activities, creating an accommodating menu, and providing a safe and quiet space are all essential components of creating an autism-friendly Thanksgiving environment. By being mindful of the needs and preferences of individuals with autism, hosts can help ensure a more inclusive and enjoyable holiday celebration for everyone involved.

    Involving the Support System

    Holiday celebrations often involve a lot of planning, especially when family members with autism are involved. One of the keys to a successful holiday gathering is involving the support system, which mainly includes the immediate family and extended family members.

    Role of Immediate Family

    The immediate family plays a significant role in providing support for an individual with autism. They are the primary source of love and understanding and can have a deep understanding of how best to support their loved ones during special holidays.

    In preparation for the celebration, it is important for the immediate family to communicate about their loved one’s needs. They should discuss any potential challenges that might arise, such as sensory sensitivities, dietary restrictions, or difficulties with social interactions. By being proactive and open about these issues, the immediate family can work together to create a comfortable and enjoyable experience for their loved one with autism.

    Additionally, immediate family members can help their loved ones with autism participate in Thanksgiving traditions, such as giving thanks or sharing what they are grateful for. Some ideas to facilitate this involvement can be found in this podcast about autism and Thanksgiving.

    Understanding the Role of Extended Family

    Extended family members, such as in-laws, aunts, uncles, and cousins, also play an important role in creating an autism-friendly Thanksgiving gathering. By educating themselves about autism and being open to adjustments, they can help contribute to a supportive environment.

    The immediate family can start by sharing information with the extended family about the specific needs and preferences of their autistic loved ones, and what they can expect during the celebration. Clear communication is key, as it can help minimize misunderstandings and discomfort.

    At the event, it is beneficial for extended family members to be patient and flexible. They should try to be understanding if there are any disruptions or changes in plans that may be necessary due to their loved one’s autism. Additionally, they can provide emotional support and encouragement, which can go a long way in making the individual with autism feel included and valued.

    In both cases, the support system of immediate and extended family members can be instrumental in helping someone with autism have a positive Thanksgiving experience. By being understanding, communicative, and flexible, everyone can contribute to an enjoyable and inclusive holiday celebration.

    Holiday Challenges and Solutions

    Managing Disruptive Behavior

    Holidays can be particularly challenging for families with children on the autism spectrum. Disruptive behavior might be heightened during this time due to changes in routine, social expectations, and sensory overload. To help manage such behavior, it is essential to plan ahead and implement appropriate strategies.

    One approach is to use social stories to illustrate and explain specific social situations that may arise during holidays. This helps the child understand what to expect and reduces anxiety. Furthermore, maintaining clear communication with your child can help set expectations and enable them to express their needs more effectively.

    Dealing with Sensory Overload

    Many autistic individuals have strong negative reactions to bright lights, loud noises, strong flavors, and smells. The holidays can sometimes feel like a sensory assault, making it crucial to take steps to reduce sensory overload.

    One strategy is to bring sensory items, such as headphones or fidget toys, that can help the child self-regulate in overwhelming situations. Monitoring noise levels and providing a designated quiet space for your child to retreat to when needed can also be helpful in managing sensory overload.

    Handling Changes in Routine

    Daily routines provide structure and predictability for autistic children, making holiday-related changes in routine particularly challenging. To minimize the stress associated with disruptions, it is essential to plan ahead and help your child adjust to the changes in routine.

    Creating a visual schedule outlining the events and activities during holiday celebrations can be beneficial. This schedule can be reviewed ahead of time to help familiarize your child with the upcoming events. Scheduling downtime, maintaining familiar routines when possible, and gradually introducing new events or activities can make holiday celebrations more enjoyable for everyone involved.

    Conclusion: Blessings and Abundance

    In the spirit of Thanksgiving, it is essential to recognize the blessings and abundance in our lives, especially for those coping with autism or supporting family members with autism. The holiday provides valuable opportunities for families and individuals to appreciate the unique gifts that autistic individuals bring to the table.

    The cornucopia is a symbol of abundance and a common sight during Thanksgiving festivities. This overflowing “horn of plenty” serves as a reminder for everyone to be grateful for all the good in their lives. In the context of autism, the cornucopia can represent the strengths and talents often associated with autism spectrum disorder, such as attention to detail, creativity, and persistence.

    There is no one-size-fits-all approach to celebrating family holidays, and for families touched by autism, finding ways to adapt and adjust traditional Thanksgiving customs can be an invaluable step toward creating a more inclusive and joyful celebration. By incorporating strategies to manage sensory overload or social challenges, a Thanksgiving meal can become a comfortable space for everyone involved.

    In the end, it’s essential to look beyond the challenges that autism may present and focus on the blessings and abundance that autistic individuals contribute to the families and communities around them. Autism can certainly pose its difficulties, but by embracing the unique talents and qualities of those living with autism, we can foster a greater sense of connection, love, and gratitude during Thanksgiving and all year round.

    Frequently Asked Questions

    How does Thanksgiving and other family celebrations affect autism spectrum individuals?

    Thanksgiving can be a challenging time for individuals on the autism spectrum due to sensory overload, changes in routine, and social demands. The large gatherings, new foods, and festivities may cause anxiety and discomfort for some individuals with autism. It is essential to recognize these potential issues and plan accordingly to ensure an enjoyable and inclusive holiday experience for everyone.

    What strategies can help autistic children during Thanksgiving and other holiday celebrations?

    Strategies to help autistic children during Thanksgiving celebrations include preparing them in advance for the event, creating a visual schedule, offering a quiet space for them to retreat to if needed, familiarizing them with the location and attendees, and involving them in the planning and decision-making process. Additionally, consider incorporating autism-friendly activities and adjusting the environment to minimize sensory overload.

    How can we promote understanding of autism during Thanksgiving?

    Educating family members and friends about autism can go a long way in promoting understanding during Thanksgiving gatherings. Share information about the individual’s unique needs, triggers, and coping strategies. Encourage communication and empathy by facilitating open conversations about autism and offering resources for those interested in learning more about it.

    Which Thanksgiving activities are more suited for people with autism?

    Some Thanksgiving activities that may be better suited for people with autism include simple arts and crafts, watching parades or holiday movies, and helping with food preparation or setting the table. These activities can provide structure and familiarity while still allowing for social interaction and holiday fun.

    How can families with autistic members adjust their Thanksgiving and other holiday traditions?

    Families with autistic members can adjust their Thanksgiving traditions by being flexible and accommodating. This may include modifying the environment to reduce sensory stimuli, simplifying meal plans to accommodate dietary preferences, and incorporating more inclusive, autism-friendly activities. Communication and understanding among family members are critical in creating a supportive and enjoyable holiday experience for everyone.

    What resources are available for managing autism during Thanksgiving gatherings and beyond?

    There are several resources available for managing autism during Thanksgiving gatherings, such as Autism Speaks and Acorn Health, which provide expert advice and tips for creating an autism-friendly holiday experience. Utilize these resources to gather ideas and develop an individualized plan for your family gathering based on the specific needs and preferences of the autistic individual.

  • The Hidden Crisis: Autism and Relational Bullying

    The Hidden Crisis: Autism and Relational Bullying

    It’s the second day of school, and my stomach is clenched tight, a cold knot of fury radiating from within and extending through my fingers as I type. Within hours of my daughter’s first day of school, her frenemy, AKA her bully, was at her again.

    I’d like to say I handled it well. I did not.

    You see, this isn’t the first time my daughter has experienced a put-down, slight, or attempt at ostracism from this particular ex-friend. It’s not even the tenth. We’ve gone through two years of dealing with this relational bullying, and the effects on my daughter have been devastating.

    Because my daughter is on the autism spectrum and has ADHD, she is more at risk of being a target of mean girls and queen bees. I’d like to say the data on this is incorrect. I can’t. Throughout her short life, my vibrant, unique, intelligent daughter has always been targeted by those kids for many reasons, but perhaps the biggest cause is that she’s different.

    My daughter is ASD Level 1, which means you wouldn’t know she’s autistic by looking at her. This invisible difference makes it easy for others to target her for being different without understanding the neurological reasons behind those differences.

    And, of course, girls, in particular, are the worst when it comes to cruelty. I experienced mean girl behaviour daily in elementary school, making detachment and objectivity very difficult to find after a lifetime of being targeted myself and observing a lifetime of my daughter being targeted by her tormenters.

    Evidence shows over 60% of children and young adults with autism experience bullying. Among them, high schoolers are most likely to be bullied. School-aged children on the autism spectrum who do not need special health care and those from disadvantaged neighbourhoods are also more likely to be bullied than other autistic children.

    This article will explore the effects of bullying and relational bullying, particularly for children with autism, through an intimate and personal lens. We’ll cover what bullying and relational bullying are, their effects on children, the emotional challenges parents face alongside their bullied tweens, and how to deal with them.

    Together, let’s explore how we can protect children with autism from bullying and help them grow up resilient, confident, and safe. 

    Two girls sit in a school classrom. One of them is whispering behind her hand to the other.

    Source: Pexels

    How Do We Define Bullying?

    The word “bully” prompts a knee-jerk reaction from parents. After all, no one wants to think their child might be guilty of bullying behaviour. The truth is, many kids are bullies, and many are bullied, and sometimes tweens can fall in between and become both victim and perpetrator.

    So, what exactly is bullying, and how do we know we are using the term correctly? 

    Bullying is defined as aggressive behaviour intended to cause fear, harm, distress, or create an uncomfortable environment for someone. It often involves repeated behaviours and an imbalance of power between the perpetrator and the victim. 

    This power difference could suggest a difference in age, grade or physical size. Bullying behaviour can take on many forms aside from physical or verbal abuse, such as: 

    • Excluding or isolating a person 
    • Spreading rumours or doing things to embarrass someone 
    • Using technology (texts, emails, social media) to harass someone 
    • Taking or damaging property 

    When it comes to girls on the spectrum, they are especially vulnerable to relational bullying or “mean girl” type behaviours due to their difficulty in making friends and their social awkwardness. 

    This dynamic can put them at risk of becoming the target of gossip and exclusion. Girls with autism may also be more susceptible to humiliation or intentional humiliation due to their sometimes associated language and communication difficulties.

    In my daughter’s case, her ex-friend wields her control over her friend group to exclude her and takes every opportunity to dismiss my daughter’s accomplishments, make her feel bad about herself, and stress how no one likes her.

    This type of bullying, called relational aggression, seems to be the weapon of choice in “girl world.” (If you grew up in girl world, I know you can relate). Let’s take a closer look. 

    Defining Relational Aggression

    As a child, I was bullied relentlessly in elementary school. I was an easy target. I wasn’t that cute (I grew into my looks later, fortunately); I was a smartypants who used big words and trained as a competitive figure skater. 

    This meant I missed more school days than I was there for coaching and practice sessions, making it harder for me to fit in or even defend myself on the days I was absent from the rumours created by my nemeses. 

    Of course, add that I was perceived as a – gasp! – goody-goody who didn’t smoke or kiss boys, and I had the perfect combination of traits that made me stand out. 

    And not in a good way.

    It was common to go to school and have not one person talk to me the entire day upon instructions from our “queen bee.” This included my supposed best friend, who would turn her back when I begged her to speak to me. 

    Then there were the whispers behind my back, the giggles and jokes made at my expense, and the put-downs. To this day, I struggle with self-esteem issues and setting boundaries.

    Unfortunately, this incredibly unfair form of bullying is quite common, especially among girls. Also known as “relational bullying,” it is an insidious type of abuse that differs from traditional bullying and involves more subtle forms of aggression, such as exclusion or spreading rumours. 

    This harassment is used to damage someone’s relationships or social status and is often more challenging to detect as it is much less overt. It can be devastatingly effective as these relational behaviours can damage people’s self-esteem and leave them feeling isolated in a way that can be harder to overcome than traditional physical bullying. 

    Children with autism – who may already have difficulty in social situations or picking up on complex social cues – can be especially vulnerable, as they may misread social signals or have a harder time communicating. 

    Peggy Moss at Empowering Parents lists the following as possible types of relational bullying: 

    • Intimidation 
    • Exclusion 
    • Spreading rumours 
    • Putting down others in a group setting 
    • Gossiping about others 
    • Outcasting
    • Humiliating 
    • Cyberbullying
    • Backstabbing

    These kinds of behaviours can have serious potential consequences, including depression, anxiety, physical health problems, and increased risk for conduct problems. 

    At the same time, though, it is crucial to recognize that the effects of relational bullying can be overcome. It is, after all, a form of abuse that can be identified and addressed. 

    It takes time and hard work, but raising awareness can help young girls know the signs to look out for and how to react to such bullying constructively.

    Source: Pexels

    Why Are ASD Level 1 Girls So Susceptible to Relational Aggression?

    It might help to understand why kids with Level I autism are more at risk than their Level II and III counterparts. First, let’s break down the classification system used by the experts to categorize different levels of ASD diagnoses. 

    Autism can manifest in various levels; most people fill in somewhere on the continuum. It’s important to understant that these levels are just a general guide and the condition manifests differently in everyone.

    Level 1

    Sometimes referred to as “high-functioning” or “Asperger Syndrome” (there is much debate about the appropriateness of these terms within autism communities so I felt it important to address), it refers to someone likely to require support for some of the following: 

    • Difficulty in back-and-forth communication 
    • Trouble with social cues and body language 
    • Social anxiety and burnout from long-term masking 
    • Issues with transitioning between activities 
    • Challenges in organization and planning 

    Level II 

    Requires substantial support and has: 

    • Difficulty with masking
    • Limited ability to change focus or activities
    • Engagement in noticeable repetitive behaviour or stimming,
    • Struggles with societal norms due to a neurotypical-centric environment 

    Level III 

    Needing very substantial support and:

    • Is unable to mask
    • Experiences a high self-regulation burden
    • Has significant difficulty with verbal and non-verbal communication
    • Struggles with changes in focus or location
    • Engages in noticeable repetitive behaviours
    • Is at increased risk for neglect, abuse and discrimination

    It’s no surprise that Level I girls are more likely to come into contact with the relational bullying their peers often face because of their wide range of social abilities. They typically don’t have the same social communication and interaction skills as the general population, thus making them more vulnerable to mean-girl treatment. 

    For instance, my daughter struggles with: 

    • Reading verbal social cues
    • Entirely missing or misinterpreting non-verbal social cues
    • Knowing when to enter a conversation
    • Taking things literally
    • Knowing when someone is not interested in her favourite subject of interest that she wants to share with the world because it’s AWESOME
    • Understanding when someone has had enough of a particular conversation and is ready to move on
    • The boundaries of personal space and when someone is uncomfortable if she’s in theirs
    • Misreading other’s intentions for good or for ill

    Because of this, my daughter has been targeted her entire life, and it can be heartbreaking to bear witness to the experience of my child being made to feel lower and lesser than her peers. 

    It’s made her more withdrawn, less outgoing and less trusting of those around her. But it’s not all hopeless – as I have worked with my daughter, I have noticed that her self-advocacy has improved, and she can stand up for herself when it counts. 

    It is of utmost importance that girls with autism get the support, love, affection and understanding they need to help them learn to cope with life’s struggles and gain confidence. 

    With the right environment and guidance, these girls can find their voices and learn to thrive in an often challenging world.

    Effects of Relational Bullying on Autistic Girls

    It’s difficult to put into words the effects this constant harassment has had on my daughter. Keep in mind, she’s dealt with it her entire. short. life – in every grade, in online school during the pandemic, at her dance studio, and even from instructors who didn’t know any better. 

    I first saw it manifested in debilitating nightmares and insomnia during the summer between Senior Kindergarten and Grade 1. My daughter would wake up crying and be unable to sleep. 

    She would have nightmares of herself sitting alone under a tree at school because no one would talk to her. And it’s only gotten worse from there. Imagine that every. day. of. your. life. you have to deal with someone trying to make you feel wrong. defective. less than

    On top of that, you must deal with all the other challenges you face of navigating a neurotypical world in a neuroatypical body and brain. Here’s a list of the harm this type of bullying can cause:

    • Depression 
    • Anxiety 
    • Insomnia 
    • Low self-worth 
    • Headaches 
    • Nausea 
    • Stomach aches 
    • School avoidance 
    • Fear of social situations
    • The urge to self-harm
    • Eating disorders
    • Trouble concentrating
    • Stress-related sicknesses 

    These are the lasting effects of relational bullying that can affect an autistic girl. It’s insidious, and it’s as real as anything can get. It can set in motion a lifetime of negative consequences and can take away the joyousness of childhood. 

    This is why it’s so important we start having honest conversations about bullying and its effects in our schools – especially regarding autistic girls. We need to create safe learning environments that are aware of these dynamics and how to prevent them in the first place. 

    We need more education and understanding of autism, both within the schools and the larger community. We need to make sure our children know there is always hope. That there is another way. No matter what they face today, tomorrow is a new dawn.

    Source: Pexels

    The Blind Spots: Why Teachers and Coaches Often Miss the Signs

    If you think spotting relational aggression is like searching for a needle in a haystack for us parents, imagine what it’s like for teachers and coaches who have multiple kids to manage.

    The Resource Crunch

    Let’s start with the most obvious yet understated problem: resources. Teachers and coaches are often stretched thin, juggling between academic responsibilities, extracurricular activities, and yes, maintaining a semblance of order among the kids.

    Too Few Eyes, Too Many Kids: There’s only so much ground a teacher can cover. The schoolyard, during recess or after school, often becomes a ‘safe’ space for bullies, knowing there’s less adult supervision.

    Lack of Specialized Training: Recognizing relational aggression requires specialized training that most educators haven’t received.

    The Discord Between Peers and Teachers

    There’s a serious disconnect between how teachers and peers view relational aggression. This disparity is especially troubling.

    Academic Bias: Teachers often base their judgments on academic performance and classroom behavior. A student excelling in these areas may not raise any red flags, even though they could be a principal antagonist on the playground.

    Popularity Paradox: Female students who are popular and overtly aggressive are more likely to be flagged by both teachers and peers. But what about those who operate covertly, hiding their malicious behavior under a guise of charm and friendliness?

    The Silent Victims

    Much like my daughter, many victims don’t want to ‘tattle.’ They internalize their pain, trying to handle the situation themselves, which often leads to further anxiety and emotional distress.

    Fear of Retaliation: The fear of being labeled or facing worse aggression from the bully often keeps victims silent.

    Low Self-reporting: This silence means that there are likely many more victims than what the statistics show, making the problem much bigger than it appears.

    There’s no simple fix, but understanding why it’s so hard to spot and stop relational aggression is a crucial first step. Only then can we begin to think about meaningful interventions. And trust me, this is a fight worth taking on, not just for our kids, but for everyone’s.

    The Emotional Rollercoaster: A Parent’s Journey Through Relational Aggression

    I hear you. Honestly, I do. The emotional turmoil that comes with knowing your child is a target of relational aggression isn’t something you can just set aside. It follows you, creeping into the moments that should be free of worry, settling into a pit in your stomach that you can’t seem to shake. This isn’t just a story about kids on a playground; it’s about us parents, too.

    The Tug of War: Protectiveness vs. Independence

    For any parent, our child’s well-being is paramount. We want nothing more than to send our kids to a safe space where they can grow and thrive. But when that safe space turns hostile, the inner battle begins.

    Over-Protection: You’re tempted to wrap them in a protective bubble. And why shouldn’t you? When your child is on the autism spectrum,the world already feels like a battlefield.

    Fostering Independence: But you also know you can’t be there to shield them forever. Especially for autistic children, learning independence is critical.

    The Emotional Cycle: A Journey Through Many Stages

    Stage 1: Empathy and Kindness

    It starts with preaching kindness, believing that empathy will prevail. You think, maybe if we understand the bully’s side, we can defuse the situation. You tell your child to be brave but kind, to stand up without sinking to their level.

    Stage 2: Accountability

    You work tirelessly with your child to help them navigate the social intricacies they naturally find challenging. Mindfulness techniques, social skills classes, breathing exercises, role-playing — you try it all. You do everything you can to equip your child to be the best version of themselves. (and it doesn’t escape your attention that others don’t seem to bother to do this much work with their kids, which frankly, builds resentment.)

    Stage 3: Diplomacy

    Next, you approach the other parent. You craft your words carefully, advocating for a collective effort to sort out the ‘social difficulties.’ Sometimes it works, and sometimes it explodes in your face, like my unfortunate social media encounter, which I still struggle to forgive myself for. Remember folks, never comment in anger, it never goes well.

    Stage 4: Loss of Empathy

    Finally, after years of frustration and roadblocks, you find that your reservoir of empathy has run dry. You’ve spent your life empowering kids, and now you’re at a point where negative feelings overshadow any goodwill you had left. And you blame yourself for it.

    Emotional Toll: The Unseen Cost

    Mental Health: Anxiety, sleepless nights, constant worry – it takes a toll on your mental well-being.

    Strained Relationships: Sometimes, it even strains your relationship with your child as you both try to navigate the labyrinth of emotions.

    Professional Life: I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t affected my ability to focus on my work, even though every dollar I earn is to ensure a better future for my tiny family.

    The Way Forward: Is There One?

    Honestly, I wish I had an easy answer, a one-size-fits-all solution. But what I do have is this community, right here, where we share, vent, find support, and pick up the pieces so we can face another day. Because, for our kids, we’ll walk through fire. But we don’t have to do it alone.

    We’ve faced hurdles before; we’ll face this one, too. We’ll find a way to protect our children without smothering them, to build their independence without leaving them vulnerable. And hopefully, along the way, we’ll inspire others to stand up, take notice, and make changes that benefit not just our children, but every child who’s grappling with the tough social landscapes of childhood and adolescence.

    Stay Connected, Share the Love

    If you’ve found this blog post resonating with you, hit that ‘Like’ button and please do ‘Subscribe’ to stay updated on our journey and other important topics. Your support keeps this community thriving and is a beacon for others navigating the same challenges.

    Also, I invite you to check out BellaZinga, an online print-on-demand store inspired by my daughter’s one-liners and special interests that serves as a platform for inclusion, education, awareness, and acceptance. Your support goes a long way in empowering us to make the world a more accepting place for our children.

    If you do buy something, make sure to put our printable “Things Your Neurodivergent Friends Might Do” and my eBook “Friends Beyond Differences: Embracing Neurodiversity” in your cart.

    These are great resources for educating neurotypical kids about their friends with invisible disabilities like autism and ADHD.

    Once you do, make sure to enter the discount code “SPREADTHEWORD” to get those resources absolutely free!

    The promotion is good until the end of September!

    Thank you for being part of this incredible community. Together, we can turn our struggles into strength and pave a path for a future where every child feels safe, loved, and included.

    So, share this post, spread the word, and let’s create a ripple effect of change. Because in this challenging journey, the more allies we have, the stronger we are.

    If you or someone you know is the victim of bullying you can reach out to Bullying Canada at (877) 352 4497. Call or text anytime and their team of caring volunteers will help you. You don’t need to go through this alone.

  • Pathological Demand Avoidance and Autism: A Quick Primer

    Pathological Demand Avoidance and Autism: A Quick Primer

    (Note: Chat GPT Assisted)

    “Autism”, “ASD”, and “PDA”. These aren’t just random abbreviations – they’re essential keys to understanding the vast, colourful world of neurodiversity. Dive into this guide and let’s decode the mystery behind PDA, all while keeping a sense of humour about it.

    Source: Pexels

    What the Heck is PDA (What, You Mean it’s Not a Public Display of Affection)?

    Let’s get our bearings straight:

    • PDA stands for pathological demand avoidance.
    • It’s a subtype of autism spectrum disorder (ASD).
    • PDA involves an extreme avoidance of everyday demands, often driven by high levels of anxiety.
    • A quick history tidbit: PDA was first identified in the 1980s by child psychologist Elizabeth Newson. (Yep, while you were busy rocking those leg warmers and mullets, science was making strides!)

    “Does My Kiddo Have PDA?” – Behaviours to Watch Out For

    Now, no two children are alike, and no, I don’t mean like snowflakes. More like, um, ice cream flavors? But here are some general signs:

    • Resistance to Ordinary Demands: Ever felt like you’re negotiating with a mini-diplomat just to get shoes on for school? This isn’t your typical child stalling. It’s an intrinsic need to resist routine tasks that most of us find mundane.
    • Comfort in Role Play: They might often take on roles or personas and communicate through them. Sherlock today, Spider-Man tomorrow! It’s not just play; it’s a coping mechanism.
    • Social Mimicry: They can often imitate others to mask their difficulties. This isn’t about being the ‘class clown’. It’s a way for them to fit in, making it sometimes hard to pinpoint. Crafty little beings, aren’t they?
    • High Levels of Anxiety: Their anxiety levels are more profound than the dread you feel when you accidentally like a picture from 2012 while stalking someone on social media. This can manifest in various ways:
    • School Avoidance: It goes beyond the occasional “I don’t wanna go!” It’s a deep-rooted fear or reluctance that makes school mornings seem like a scene out of an action movie – and for some chilldren, like mine, a horror movie.
    • Aggression When Anxious: Not just a temper tantrum. When they’re pushed to their limit, their fight-or-flight response might lean heavily on the ‘fight’. This could look like punching walls, throwing things, taking scissors to walls, pushing you, or screaming insults at caregivers.
    • Panic Attacks: Heart-wrenching to watch, these sudden bouts of intense fear can immobilize them. It’s not “attention-seeking” but a genuine overwhelming feeling they can’t control.
    • Self-Harm: Children with PDA often use self-harm, often as a grounding technique to take their mind off their tumultuous feelings of anxiety in their body. This could look like hitting their head with their hands, slapping themselves in the face, or beating their head agains a wall. It’s scary to watch, and can be deeply unsettling for both parent and child.

    Diagnosis: When Should You Seek Professional Insight?

    Your intuition as a parent is uncanny. If you’re feeling something’s up, trust your gut, and:

    1. Consult a Specialist: This usually starts with a pediatrician or a child psychologist.Don’t take “no” for an answer. Unfortunately, there are many medical professionals who don’t believe in PDA, and many who are just not familiar with it. This is where you need to do your own research mama, and go with spreadsheets and data in tow!
    2. Undergo Assessment: This can include observations, interviews, and specific PDA-focused questionnaires.
    3. Receive a Diagnosis: Now that you have a better understanding of your child’s challenges, it’s time to search for supports that fits their needs (and yours.) You’ll also need to arm yourself with information so you can adovcate with schools, coaches, and any other environments your child may need special accommodations in.

    Remember, it’s not about labelling but understanding and supporting your child through this journey.

    Treating PDA: No One-Size-Fits-All Here!

    Treatment is as unique as your child’s fingerprint or your secret cookie stash (oops, did I just spill the beans?):

    • Individual Therapy: Tailored strategies to cope with demands and anxiety.
    • Family Counseling: Because, let’s face it, we all need a bit of group therapy after those family board game nights.
    • Educational Support: Tweaking their learning environment to suit their needs, minus the unnecessary pressure.

    Tips for Navigating the Rollercoaster of PDA at Home

    Welcome to the ‘PDA Theme Park’. Hold onto Your Hats!

    Navigating the zigzaggy roller coaster that is PDA can be, well, quite the wild ride. But fear not! With a sprinkle of patience, a dash of creativity, and the following strategies, you can ensure the ride is smoother for both you and your young adventurer:

    • Pick Your Battles: Does it matter if they wear PJs to the supermarket? Hey, some celebrities have worn meat dresses to award shows, so PJs sound pretty haute couture to me!
    • Use Indirect Requests: Instead of the direct “Brush your teeth,” try a bit of playful challenge like, “Hmm, I wonder who can make their teeth shine the brightest?” Engage their imagination!
    • Establish Safe Spaces: Picture this – a cozy nook with fluffy pillows, their favorite book, and maybe a soft light. Everyone, especially our PDA champions, needs a sanctuary to retreat to when the world gets a tad too overwhelming.
    • Humor is Your Friend: When in doubt, laugh it out! Remember that time you tried to wear two different shoes to work? Yeah, life can be absurd. Sharing a hearty laugh can diffuse tension in a jiffy.
    • Negotiate Like a Pro: It’s not about manipulation; it’s a two-way street. Maybe it’s a compromise, or perhaps it’s letting them feel they have a say. “10 more minutes of play, and then we tackle homework. Deal?”
    • Keep it Low-Key: Sometimes, the fanfare and fuss can be overwhelming. Approaching situations calmly and without a ton of drama can often lead to more successful outcomes.
    • Collaborate with Your Child: Make them part of the solution. “Okay, so we need to do X. How do you think we should get it done?”
    • Find Their Motivation: Is there a toy, a story, or maybe a treat they love? Use it as a carrot (or maybe a cookie?). “Once we’ve tidied up, how about we read that new comic together?”

    These tips may not look like ordinary parenting, but your child is extraordinary, so these special tips will help them (and you) get stuff done with less head-butting and more hugs.

    Wrapping Up: From PDA to BellaZinga!

    Speaking of understanding and celebrating neurodiversity, have you heard of BellaZinga? Inspired by a brilliant girl named Bella who dazzles on the autism spectrum, our online store uses printable merch and educational materials to promote the inclusion, acceptance, and celebration of the true spirit of neurodiversity. Need a touch of inspiration or just a sprinkle of awareness in your life? Swing by BellaZinga and let some neurodivergent light shine on you!

    P.S. While you’re there, maybe grab a little something. Who says advocacy can’t be stylish? 😉🌟

  • A Dance Recital Like No Other

    A Dance Recital Like No Other

    Last weekend my daughter danced in her studio’s end-of-the-year recital. The show was a success, full of the usual suspects; seasoned performers hip-hopping their way to fame, teeny-weenies out for their dance debut loaded with sparkles and wide-eyed anticipation, and budding street dancers learning the breakdance ropes. 

    While all of these regular recital occurrences are heart-warming, what got me in the “feels” was that I got to watch the entire thing from the audience. 

    This may sound odd, given that my little dancer is not so little anymore. In fact, at nearly twelve, she’s taller than most grown women. And you’re likely now thinking that I’m a total helicopter mom, hovering like there’s no tomorrow, too afraid to cut the apron strings and let my daughter look after herself.

    While that may be true, there’s also another factor to consider. You see, my daughter is neurodivergent; she has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum. This means that she is quirky, beautiful and (in my humble opinion) fucking brilliant. 

    It also means she has significant challenges in places and at events that you and your neurotypical kiddos likely take for granted.

    I won’t ever take something like watching a dance recital from the audience for granted again. I’ll tell you why.

    Source: Unsplash

    The Extra Steps of Autism

    My daughter doesn’t look any different than your average tween. Given that she is considered Level 1 ASD (formerly known as Aspergers), nothing would cue you that she is any different from a neurotypical child. 

    This is why so many parents of kids on the spectrum get the side-eye, eye-rolls, and just about any other eye-related behaviour from other parents, teachers, doctors, etc. 

    No two children on the spectrum are the same, but let me share with you some of the challenges my daughter has had to overcome in her dance career.

    Motor Difficulties

    You know how kids can effortlessly tie their shoes or change outfits like they’re in a backstage dressing room of a Broadway show? Well, that’s not exactly a walk in the park for my kiddo. 

    With her motor skills functioning a little differently, quickly tying tap shoes or changing sparkly leotards might as well be an Olympic event. And let’s not forget the actual dance numbers. 

    With balance and coordination playing a cheeky game of hide-and-seek, the challenge of mastering those intricate steps is on another level.

    Issues with Working Memory

    Ever tried to keep track of multiple dance numbers, their order, and the steps for each in your head? My daughter tackles this challenge head-on every time she steps onto that stage. 

    Prioritizing tasks and decision-making are like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded. The struggle with working memory is real y’all.

    Executive Function Challenges 

    Imagine having a long list of instructions, each more complex than the last. Sound overwhelming? Now, think about how it feels when every day is filled with these lists and not having a freaking clue where to begin or how to put the required steps in order?

    That’s the reality for children like my daughter. Delayed executive function development is like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. Is it any wonder they get frustrated and lose their shit?

    Emotional Dysregulation

    Feelings for my daughter are like waves during a storm, overwhelming and unpredictable. Her emotions are big, bold, and often challenging to rein in. It’s like riding a roller coaster without a safety bar, thrilling but also a little scary.

    The hardest part as her parent is to watch the shame and guilt play across her features once she has calmed down and realized what she said and did while she was struggling for control. 

    Even though my kiddo is starting to realize that when she gets overwhelmed, her frontal lobe is not in control, and she is in the clutches of her amygdala and the dreaded fight/flight/freeze/fawn (although there is a strong argument for using “feign” instead of fawn) response cycle, she still feels bad about her behaviour after the fact.

    Sensory Sensitivities

    Imagine being at a rock concert, but the music’s too loud, the lights are too bright, and the crowd’s too much. Now, try picturing that every time you’re in a room full of kids or under fluorescent lighting. 

    That’s what my daughter deals with — a world where sounds, smells, and sights can be as piercing as a siren’s call. Because she perceives the world differently and often more intensely, she can experience these sensations as discomfort and even pain.

    Now see yourself at a dance competition or recital, packed together in a dressing room with hundreds of other dancers, all anxious and excited. The steady drum of chatter, shouting, crying, and music would be enough to drive a neurotypical person to drink, let alone someone who’s conditioned to perceive these stimuli as threats! (To clarify, I don’t let my daughter drink…so don’t come for me!)

    Problems Reading Social Cues

    Reading social cues for my daughter is like deciphering hieroglyphics without a Rosetta Stone. It’s tough not knowing how to fit into the social puzzle, feeling isolated in a room full of chattering children. 

    But thank the goddess for our dance studio. Through careful attention to fostering a climate and culture of family and inclusion, they have helped my daughter fit in every step of the way. I wish I could say the same for our previous studio, but that’s another story for another time. (And perhaps that aforementioned drink)

    Triumph in the Dressing Room

    Usually, I am my daughter’s special assistant in the dressing room. My job is to make sure she can navigate quick changes, take a sensory break if necessary, calm her in case of overwhelming nervousness to prevent meltdowns and help her navigate the environment and pressure around her.

    I always ask my kiddo if she wants me there with her in the dressing room or if she’d like to try it on her own, as I’m trying to foster independence and push her boundaries, but I want her to feel ready for it.

    So I wasn’t surprised when she asked me to be her special dressing room assistant once again. 

    I don’t mind this, but the fact is, it is usually only my daughter and me at these events. So when I’m below in a dressing room, I am not in the audience to hoot, holler, yell, and clap for her when she’s onstage. And that means she has no one in the audience to do that for her. 

    As you can imagine, for an only child who seldom sees her father and sees ALL the other families full of siblings and relatives attending, this is hard for both of us.

    Still, I was prepared. I’d created extra lists for my l’il dancer with the order of her numbers, all carefully highlighted. I’d labelled each of her dance bags carefully, even crafting numbers to hang on each hanger so it would be easier to see which one was next.

    I’d done all the things necessary to ensure a seamless experience. I’d packed all my kiddo’s sensory stuff, like headphones, earbuds, fidget spinners, a tablet and a charger, not to mention a cell phone. You name it; we were ready.

    Then, suddenly, as we were setting her bag up in her designated space, my daughter shot me an “I’m so embarrassed my mom is here look” and started shooing me away.

    I have to admit. I froze, unsure if I was actually seeing what I thought I was. 

    Sure enough, my daughter wanted me to leave her alone so she could hang with her dance friends. When I asked if she could handle the quick changes, she said she could, and I should leave her alone.

    Source: Pexels

    A New Perspective: Joining the Audience

    I just about cried. Partly, if I’m being honest, because this was a huge hurdle, and it meant my baby was growing up, which is difficult for every mama bear, neurodivergent or neurotypical alike.

    But partly because of the overwhelming sense of relief and freedom to sit and enjoy myself at a function. Whether it was a family dinner, a holiday gathering, a school assembly, or a dance recital, I had yet been unable to do this.

    I don’t think you can understand how it feels to always be alone when you’re the parent of a kiddo on the spectrum. Because your child is more, needs more, and demands more, you have to give more, be available more, be more organized, be more prepared, be more calm…I think you get the picture.

    This sense of being an uber parent is not conducive to sitting and having a cocktail at a dinner party, socializing with family at a Christmas get-together, or watching your daughter shine onstage at dance recitals.

    Until last week.

    And shine, she did. Although it was hard to see from the tears in my eyes. (I’m not crying, you’re crying)

    Parenting on the Spectrum Means You Celebrate the Ordinary Moments as if They Were Extraordinary

    My daughter did it on her own, and I couldn’t be prouder. You see, for parents like me, we don’t just celebrate the recitals or awards. We celebrate the moments when our children prove to the world, and more importantly to themselves, that they are so much more than a label.

    We celebrate when they show their strength and resilience in the face of adversity and face the challenges of a world that can be overwhelmingly stacked against them.

    So yes, I won’t ever take something like watching a dance recital from the audience for granted again. Not because it’s a luxury but because it’s a testament to the beautiful, quirky, brilliant girl my daughter has become. And how damn proud I am of her.

    If you want to share some ordinary yet extraordinary moments with your neurodivergent child, comment below, and follow me for more blogs!

    Better yet, why not check out my online store, BellaZinga (inspired by my daughter and her neverending one-liners) for some merch with a side of neurodivergent sass? While you’re there, you can download my eBook “Friends Beyond Differences: Embracing Neurodiversity.” 

    It’s an engaging guide written specifically for neurotypical kids aged 6-12 to help them understand and embrace their neurodiverse peers.

    And remember, our differences make us unique, but our humanity binds us together. Let’s ensure every child, regardless of their neurotype, feels accepted, loved, and capable of dancing their own unique rhythm.

    Shine on, my beautiful neurodiverse kiddos.

    Shine on.