“Autism”, “ASD”, and “PDA”. These aren’t just random abbreviations – they’re essential keys to understanding the vast, colourful world of neurodiversity. Dive into this guide and let’s decode the mystery behind PDA, all while keeping a sense of humour about it.
Source: Pexels
What the Heck is PDA (What, You Mean it’s Not a Public Display of Affection)?
PDA involves an extreme avoidance of everyday demands, often driven by high levels of anxiety.
A quick history tidbit: PDA was first identified in the 1980s by child psychologist Elizabeth Newson. (Yep, while you were busy rocking those leg warmers and mullets, science was making strides!)
“Does My Kiddo Have PDA?” – Behaviours to Watch Out For
Now, no two children are alike, and no, I don’t mean like snowflakes. More like, um, ice cream flavors? But here are some general signs:
Resistance to Ordinary Demands: Ever felt like you’re negotiating with a mini-diplomat just to get shoes on for school? This isn’t your typical child stalling. It’s an intrinsic need to resist routine tasks that most of us find mundane.
Comfort in Role Play: They might often take on roles or personas and communicate through them. Sherlock today, Spider-Man tomorrow! It’s not just play; it’s a coping mechanism.
Social Mimicry: They can often imitate others to mask their difficulties. This isn’t about being the ‘class clown’. It’s a way for them to fit in, making it sometimes hard to pinpoint. Crafty little beings, aren’t they?
High Levels of Anxiety: Their anxiety levels are more profound than the dread you feel when you accidentally like a picture from 2012 while stalking someone on social media. This can manifest in various ways:
School Avoidance: It goes beyond the occasional “I don’t wanna go!” It’s a deep-rooted fear or reluctance that makes school mornings seem like a scene out of an action movie – and for some chilldren, like mine, a horror movie.
Aggression When Anxious: Not just a temper tantrum. When they’re pushed to their limit, their fight-or-flight response might lean heavily on the ‘fight’. This could look like punching walls, throwing things, taking scissors to walls, pushing you, or screaming insults at caregivers.
Panic Attacks: Heart-wrenching to watch, these sudden bouts of intense fear can immobilize them. It’s not “attention-seeking” but a genuine overwhelming feeling they can’t control.
Self-Harm: Children with PDA often use self-harm, often as a grounding technique to take their mind off their tumultuous feelings of anxiety in their body. This could look like hitting their head with their hands, slapping themselves in the face, or beating their head agains a wall. It’s scary to watch, and can be deeply unsettling for both parent and child.
Diagnosis: When Should You Seek Professional Insight?
Your intuition as a parent is uncanny. If you’re feeling something’s up, trust your gut, and:
Consult a Specialist: This usually starts with a pediatrician or a child psychologist.Don’t take “no” for an answer. Unfortunately, there are many medical professionals who don’t believe in PDA, and many who are just not familiar with it. This is where you need to do your own research mama, and go with spreadsheets and data in tow!
Undergo Assessment: This can include observations, interviews, and specific PDA-focused questionnaires.
Receive a Diagnosis: Now that you have a better understanding of your child’s challenges, it’s time to search for supports that fits their needs (and yours.) You’ll also need to arm yourself with information so you can adovcate with schools, coaches, and any other environments your child may need special accommodations in.
Remember, it’s not about labelling but understanding and supporting your child through this journey.
Treating PDA: No One-Size-Fits-All Here!
Treatment is as unique as your child’s fingerprint or your secret cookie stash (oops, did I just spill the beans?):
Family Counseling: Because, let’s face it, we all need a bit of group therapy after those family board game nights.
Educational Support: Tweaking their learning environment to suit their needs, minus the unnecessary pressure.
Tips for Navigating the Rollercoaster of PDA at Home
Welcome to the ‘PDA Theme Park’. Hold onto Your Hats!
Navigating the zigzaggy roller coaster that is PDA can be, well, quite the wild ride. But fear not! With a sprinkle of patience, a dash of creativity, and the following strategies, you can ensure the ride is smoother for both you and your young adventurer:
Pick Your Battles: Does it matter if they wear PJs to the supermarket? Hey, some celebrities have worn meat dresses to award shows, so PJs sound pretty haute couture to me!
Use Indirect Requests: Instead of the direct “Brush your teeth,” try a bit of playful challenge like, “Hmm, I wonder who can make their teeth shine the brightest?” Engage their imagination!
Establish Safe Spaces: Picture this – a cozy nook with fluffy pillows, their favorite book, and maybe a soft light. Everyone, especially our PDA champions, needs a sanctuary to retreat to when the world gets a tad too overwhelming.
Humor is Your Friend: When in doubt, laugh it out! Remember that time you tried to wear two different shoes to work? Yeah, life can be absurd. Sharing a hearty laugh can diffuse tension in a jiffy.
Negotiate Like a Pro: It’s not about manipulation; it’s a two-way street. Maybe it’s a compromise, or perhaps it’s letting them feel they have a say. “10 more minutes of play, and then we tackle homework. Deal?”
Keep it Low-Key: Sometimes, the fanfare and fuss can be overwhelming. Approaching situations calmly and without a ton of drama can often lead to more successful outcomes.
Collaborate with Your Child: Make them part of the solution. “Okay, so we need to do X. How do you think we should get it done?”
Find Their Motivation: Is there a toy, a story, or maybe a treat they love? Use it as a carrot (or maybe a cookie?). “Once we’ve tidied up, how about we read that new comic together?”
These tips may not look like ordinary parenting, but your child is extraordinary, so these special tips will help them (and you) get stuff done with less head-butting and more hugs.
Wrapping Up: From PDA to BellaZinga!
Speaking of understanding and celebrating neurodiversity, have you heard of BellaZinga? Inspired by a brilliant girl named Bella who dazzles on the autism spectrum, our online store uses printable merch and educational materials to promote the inclusion, acceptance, and celebration of the true spirit of neurodiversity. Need a touch of inspiration or just a sprinkle of awareness in your life? Swing by BellaZinga and let some neurodivergent light shine on you!
P.S. While you’re there, maybe grab a little something. Who says advocacy can’t be stylish? 😉🌟
Last weekend my daughter danced in her studio’s end-of-the-year recital. The show was a success, full of the usual suspects; seasoned performers hip-hopping their way to fame, teeny-weenies out for their dance debut loaded with sparkles and wide-eyed anticipation, and budding street dancers learning the breakdance ropes.
While all of these regular recital occurrences are heart-warming, what got me in the “feels” was that I got to watch the entire thing from the audience.
This may sound odd, given that my little dancer is not so little anymore. In fact, at nearly twelve, she’s taller than most grown women. And you’re likely now thinking that I’m a total helicopter mom, hovering like there’s no tomorrow, too afraid to cut the apron strings and let my daughter look after herself.
While that may be true, there’s also another factor to consider. You see, my daughter is neurodivergent; she has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum. This means that she is quirky, beautiful and (in my humble opinion) fucking brilliant.
It also means she has significant challenges in places and at events that you and your neurotypical kiddos likely take for granted.
I won’t ever take something like watching a dance recital from the audience for granted again. I’ll tell you why.
My daughter doesn’t look any different than your average tween. Given that she is considered Level 1 ASD (formerly known as Aspergers), nothing would cue you that she is any different from a neurotypical child.
This is why so many parents of kids on the spectrum get the side-eye, eye-rolls, and just about any other eye-related behaviour from other parents, teachers, doctors, etc.
No two children on the spectrum are the same, but let me share with you some of the challenges my daughter has had to overcome in her dance career.
Motor Difficulties
You know how kids can effortlessly tie their shoes or change outfits like they’re in a backstage dressing room of a Broadway show? Well, that’s not exactly a walk in the park for my kiddo.
With her motor skills functioning a little differently, quickly tying tap shoes or changing sparkly leotards might as well be an Olympic event. And let’s not forget the actual dance numbers.
With balance and coordination playing a cheeky game of hide-and-seek, the challenge of mastering those intricate steps is on another level.
Issues with Working Memory
Ever tried to keep track of multiple dance numbers, their order, and the steps for each in your head? My daughter tackles this challenge head-on every time she steps onto that stage.
Prioritizing tasks and decision-making are like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded. The struggle with working memory is real y’all.
Executive Function Challenges
Imagine having a long list of instructions, each more complex than the last. Sound overwhelming? Now, think about how it feels when every day is filled with these lists and not having a freaking clue where to begin or how to put the required steps in order?
That’s the reality for children like my daughter. Delayed executive function development is like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. Is it any wonder they get frustrated and lose their shit?
Emotional Dysregulation
Feelings for my daughter are like waves during a storm, overwhelming and unpredictable. Her emotions are big, bold, and often challenging to rein in. It’s like riding a roller coaster without a safety bar, thrilling but also a little scary.
The hardest part as her parent is to watch the shame and guilt play across her features once she has calmed down and realized what she said and did while she was struggling for control.
Even though my kiddo is starting to realize that when she gets overwhelmed, her frontal lobe is not in control, and she is in the clutches of her amygdala and the dreaded fight/flight/freeze/fawn (although there is a strong argument for using “feign” instead of fawn) response cycle, she still feels bad about her behaviour after the fact.
Sensory Sensitivities
Imagine being at a rock concert, but the music’s too loud, the lights are too bright, and the crowd’s too much. Now, try picturing that every time you’re in a room full of kids or under fluorescent lighting.
That’s what my daughter deals with — a world where sounds, smells, and sights can be as piercing as a siren’s call. Because she perceives the world differently and often more intensely, she can experience these sensations as discomfort and even pain.
Now see yourself at a dance competition or recital, packed together in a dressing room with hundreds of other dancers, all anxious and excited. The steady drum of chatter, shouting, crying, and music would be enough to drive a neurotypical person to drink, let alone someone who’s conditioned to perceive these stimuli as threats! (To clarify, I don’t let my daughter drink…so don’t come for me!)
Problems Reading Social Cues
Reading social cues for my daughter is like deciphering hieroglyphics without a Rosetta Stone. It’s tough not knowing how to fit into the social puzzle, feeling isolated in a room full of chattering children.
But thank the goddess for our dance studio. Through careful attention to fostering a climate and culture of family and inclusion, they have helped my daughter fit in every step of the way. I wish I could say the same for our previous studio, but that’s another story for another time. (And perhaps that aforementioned drink)
Triumph in the Dressing Room
Usually, I am my daughter’s special assistant in the dressing room. My job is to make sure she can navigate quick changes, take a sensory break if necessary, calm her in case of overwhelming nervousness to prevent meltdowns and help her navigate the environment and pressure around her.
I always ask my kiddo if she wants me there with her in the dressing room or if she’d like to try it on her own, as I’m trying to foster independence and push her boundaries, but I want her to feel ready for it.
So I wasn’t surprised when she asked me to be her special dressing room assistant once again.
I don’t mind this, but the fact is, it is usually only my daughter and me at these events. So when I’m below in a dressing room, I am not in the audience to hoot, holler, yell, and clap for her when she’s onstage. And that means she has no one in the audience to do that for her.
As you can imagine, for an only child who seldom sees her father and sees ALL the other families full of siblings and relatives attending, this is hard for both of us.
Still, I was prepared. I’d created extra lists for my l’il dancer with the order of her numbers, all carefully highlighted. I’d labelled each of her dance bags carefully, even crafting numbers to hang on each hanger so it would be easier to see which one was next.
I’d done all the things necessary to ensure a seamless experience. I’d packed all my kiddo’s sensory stuff, like headphones, earbuds, fidget spinners, a tablet and a charger, not to mention a cell phone. You name it; we were ready.
Then, suddenly, as we were setting her bag up in her designated space, my daughter shot me an “I’m so embarrassed my mom is here look” and started shooing me away.
I have to admit. I froze, unsure if I was actually seeing what I thought I was.
Sure enough, my daughter wanted me to leave her alone so she could hang with her dance friends. When I asked if she could handle the quick changes, she said she could, and I should leave her alone.
I just about cried. Partly, if I’m being honest, because this was a huge hurdle, and it meant my baby was growing up, which is difficult for every mama bear, neurodivergent or neurotypical alike.
But partly because of the overwhelming sense of relief and freedom to sit and enjoy myself at a function. Whether it was a family dinner, a holiday gathering, a school assembly, or a dance recital, I had yet been unable to do this.
I don’t think you can understand how it feels to always be alone when you’re the parent of a kiddo on the spectrum. Because your child is more, needs more, and demands more, you have to give more, be available more, be more organized, be more prepared, be more calm…I think you get the picture.
This sense of being an uber parent is not conducive to sitting and having a cocktail at a dinner party, socializing with family at a Christmas get-together, or watching your daughter shine onstage at dance recitals.
Until last week.
And shine, she did. Although it was hard to see from the tears in my eyes. (I’m not crying, you’re crying)
Parenting on the Spectrum Means You Celebrate the Ordinary Moments as if They Were Extraordinary
My daughter did it on her own, and I couldn’t be prouder. You see, for parents like me, we don’t just celebrate the recitals or awards. We celebrate the moments when our children prove to the world, and more importantly to themselves, that they are so much more than a label.
We celebrate when they show their strength and resilience in the face of adversity and face the challenges of a world that can be overwhelmingly stacked against them.
So yes, I won’t ever take something like watching a dance recital from the audience for granted again. Not because it’s a luxury but because it’s a testament to the beautiful, quirky, brilliant girl my daughter has become. And how damn proud I am of her.
If you want to share some ordinary yet extraordinary moments with your neurodivergent child, comment below, and follow me for more blogs!
Better yet, why not check out my online store, BellaZinga (inspired by my daughter and her neverending one-liners) for some merch with a side of neurodivergent sass? While you’re there, you can download my eBook “Friends Beyond Differences: Embracing Neurodiversity.”
It’s an engaging guide written specifically for neurotypical kids aged 6-12 to help them understand and embrace their neurodiverse peers.
And remember, our differences make us unique, but our humanity binds us together. Let’s ensure every child, regardless of their neurotype, feels accepted, loved, and capable of dancing their own unique rhythm.
In the grand scheme of things, it might not seem like a big deal, but the proverbial straw broke my back. As I sit, shaking, in the throes of my 5th panic attack since it happened – and desperately hoping that writing this blog is distraction enough to help me gain control – I’m still attempting to process it all.
But first, a little background for those who don’t know me well
I’m the full-time single momma to a whip-smart, precocious, multi-talented child who also happens to be on the spectrum, has ADHD and struggles with anxiety. This weekend has been a great weekend for her and, therefore, for me.
We went to see Avatar on Friday night with a friend from her old dance studio. To see them connect, share stories, support each other, and have a real-life give-and-take exchange (rare and difficult for some kiddos on the spectrum) warmed my heart and gave me hope.
You see, while she has a few friends at school, I don’t consider them the best types of friends. Although considered her bestie, one, in particular, is not the most supportive, often putting my daughter or her interests down and ignoring her to be on her own device when she comes over for a sleepover.
The reason I explain this is that context matters
Context is key to understanding someone’s mental state in time. We all know this; how many “Bell Let’s Talk” days have we been subjected to? (Don’t get me into the hypocrisy behind this particular company talking about mental health issues; I’ve chosen to separate the source from the message and appreciate the attempt to raise awareness).
The point is, it’s been an awful few months for us. My poor kiddo was sick repeatedly in the fall, and just when we thought she was out of the woods, BOOM, she got ill again within the first week back to school after the winter break.
That enough can be exhausting for single parents doing their best to work, care for their sick children, and attempt to care for themselves (I was sick too).
Add to this school avoidance, executive function issues out the wahoo, a ramping up of all sorts of sensitivities due to adolescence and hormones kicking in, multiple physical symptoms of anxiety that put my daughter in pain nearly 90% of the time, and of course, ever constant bullying and social isolation from so-called friends.
I did the best I could to support her
All through these issues, as I’ve done her entire life, I’ve done my best to “see” my daughter. My goal is to accept her differences, applaud her strengths, acknowledge her anxieties and give her strategies to help her cope with them. It’s not easy, and more often than not, I become her emotional trash can, where she spews out her anger, frustration or inability to control her environment at me.
When you deal with an hour of school avoidance behaviour, including begging, crying, screaming, slamming doors, self-harm, tummy aches, headaches, dizziness, aggression, insults, and yes, sometimes physical attacks on me (she doesn’t mean it, at the moment she doesn’t know how to find a suitable outlet for her frustration) ….it becomes traumatic, both for her and for me.
And before anyone offers help. Yes, I am connected to resources and have read many books on strategies to deal with these behaviours. But knowledge is one thing; living with it is something entirely different.
I now understand that many mothers of autistic children suffer from PTSD
I couldn’t figure out why I had been so sad and disaffected lately. Yes, it’s been difficult, but many good things have happened lately, too. I’ve been practicing my gratitude; I got a new, better-paying job and have multiple coping strategies at my fingertips.
But I’m fatigued all the time. I feel like I’m slipping into a depressive fog again where all I want to do is stay in bed where it’s warm, and I don’t have to deal with anything. I’m trying to find time to get out, even to just go for a walk, but between trying to balance my job with my child’s needs, sometimes it can be challenging to find the time for showering.
Then I started learning about something called hypervigilance. Basically, it’s the state of being ultra-alert, constantly assessing the environment for threats, even when there are none.
This should start to sound familiar to any mom out there who’s had a child get sick. It’s the feeling of sleeping with one eye and one ear open in case you have to run to the hospital.
For the moms of neurodivergent children, hypervigilance goes into overdrive. Anything and everything can be a trigger for a meltdown. What if her anxiety is so bad that she can’t last all day at school? Will I have to go pick her up? How do I make sure I’m available to do that?
She’s at a sleepover, but I know she won’t eat the food. She’s losing weight drastically, so I have to pack her a cooler of foods she’ll eat and follow up to ensure that’s been made accessible to her throughout the night.
She’s away for a class trip, the first one she went on without you (because you’re desperately trying to foster independence), but you get a call from the parent chaperone. You must listen to her hyperventilating and freaking out on the phone as they struggle to calm her down.
The list is long y’all, and if it’s hard for me, imagine how difficult these things are for my daughter. This permanent state of constantly assessing possible danger can lead to trauma responses similar to those in combat.
Of course, parental judgment comes into play too
Now factor in that we live with my parents (thank god, because I don’t know how we’d make it otherwise), and while they don’t help much with her actual childcare as they are older and she can be a lot to deal with, the financial support has meant the world to us.
This is why it’s so difficult when they, particularly my father, disagree with how I parent her or even acknowledge that her differences require different parenting techniques than neurotypical children.
There is judgment in some way or form every single day. (although I have to admit, my mom has come a long way in educating herself and acceptance!) Add to that the fact that I, myself, have never felt that I fit in with my family, and the psychological stress of attempting to be a positive emotional support for my daughter when she needs it often leaves me in a state of burnout.
I’m afraid to speak out about what happened to me yesterday since I know my parents will not back me up.
You see, the overarching narrative about me in my family is that I am “too”
Too much. Too sensitive. Too outspoken. Too blunt. Too soft. Too psychological. Too analytical. Too much of an activist. Too liberal. Too….too…too…
After a while, you believe that there is something wrong with you. And that adds to the endless pile of crap I have to wade through daily.
Finally, on to the main event
Now that you have the set-up of the scene and are aware that because of my circumstances, I was feeling exhausted and emotionally numb before even entering my local store, it might help to understand better.
I needed to buy a few grocery items, including lactose-free chocolate milk, and this store is one of the few places that carry this particular brand. (my kiddo will drink nothing else, of course)
I’ve grown up in the same village, and this store is a mainstay for the locals. My mother alone spends literally thousands yearly (she loves grocery shopping, it’s her happy place), and I even used to work there many years ago.
Of course, I can’t afford to shop there much for my larger shopping hauls, as it’s just too expensive, but it’s been drummed into my head by my parents that you need to support local businesses, and I feel I have to shop there because of this mantra.
Plus, everyone is super lovely, and the produce is excellent, so there’s that
So I quickly walked around the store, smiling at patrons, receiving smiles back, and lining up to pay at the checkout. I am always kind, saying my please, excuse me’s and thank-you’s to people when they move for me, letting people with less cut in front of me, and in general, trying to take up as little space as possible.
I could feel my anxiety build as I got up to the belt and started unloading my groceries. Like every other store, it is now our job to bag our own groceries, which I don’t mind; in fact, I enjoy piecing together groceries in their proper place; it’s like a game.
The problem is the time factor. I always feel rushed. No matter how fast I bag my groceries, the check-out person always waits for me to pay.
So then I’m thinking, do I pay first, then finish bagging? At Walmart, there are two areas to bag groceries per station, so even if I’m not done, there is still room for the next person to start.
But at our local store, there is zero room for anyone to start processing their order until you have entirely bagged and removed your groceries from the counter. So what often happens is you are left to furiously finish as the cashier tells you your total and stares at you expectantly – just waiting.
It is during this phase that my anxiety really ramps up. I can feel myself starting to sweat, knowing everyone is waiting for me. I try to go faster, but no matter how fast I go, I can’t bag in time for people NOT. TO. WAIT.
By now, my heart is pumping so furiously I feel like people should be able to see it pulsing from my chest, I am hyperventilating, and those steel bands clap around my chest – getting tighter and tighter. I feel like a cornered animal. I know this is me perceiving threats when there are none, aside from perhaps broken societal expectations, and I can usually deal with it.
Except for today.
Suddenly, the gentleman who is next in line walks up to where the debit machine is (where I have to go back to pay still) and flourishes his shopping bag open with a flick of his hand as if to say, “come on, let’s get this show on the road.”
Seriously, it’s like he was challenging me to a duel a la Princess Bride.
I haven’t even paid yet, I’m still doing my best to go fast, and of course, the young man at cash is just standing there, doing nothing to help, and eying me expectantly.
I’m so astonished at this level of passive-aggressiveness that I half-jokingly say, “geez, rush me, why don’t you.”
The customer thinks I’m joking, so he laughs. And I quickly finish and walk back to the POS to pay with my debit card.
He doesn’t move. He stands there, just off my left elbow, where he can see my debit information and within my personal space. I’m now full-on triggered.
I turn to him, put up both hands spread in front of me and say, in a loud and commanding voice, (I don’t think I shouted, but I was emphatic):
“Please, could you give me some personal space? I wasn’t kidding; I’m feeling very stressed and anxious right now.”
Stillness. It’s as if I’ve murdered someone. I am looked at like I’m the one with the issue.
He laughs, maintains his smile, and walks back to the end of the counter where his wife is waiting.
I finish my transaction, and as I grab my cart full of groceries and prepare to exit the store, I hear him say, “nope, I’d better wait so I don’t get in trouble.”
Then the cashier laughs with him and responds, “I think you’re safe now.” They both laugh again.
As I leave the store, over and over, I hear them mocking me as I try to control my tears.
I’m still struggling to process it all
When I got home, I knew I had to be alone to digest what had just happened and not worry about my kiddo seeing me like I was. I walked outside, careful to be out of view from any windows, and had a 45-minute panic attack, sobbing, hyperventilating, rocking, and all the other hallmarks of these oh-so-familiar events.
When I had pulled myself together and entered the adrenaline hang-over stage of the attack, I went back to the car and unpacked my groceries.
I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong.
I would never intrude on another person’s space like that or make them feel hurried or rushed. To me, that’s the ultimate unkindness.
I also felt I was within my right to ask for personal space to keep my banking information safe and to help me feel less threatened.
Could I have done it in a more pleasant tone of voice? Maybe. But I was in the grip of anxiety, which I did my best to explain.
And yet I was mocked for it. And the cashier joined in. Not one person in that store showed me kindness or empathy.
Would this have been different if I had not been a woman? I can’t help thinking that this was gaslighting behaviour at its best, telling me I was crazy because I voiced my distress and my limitations.
The parallels between so many other people dealing with mental illness are hard to ignore, as are the parallels between women standing up for themselves throughout history and being victimized because of it.
Either way, I’m now coming down from my fifth panic attack since it occurred. I’ve gone back and forth between calling the manager to complain or even posting on Facebook. But the problem is, it’s a small community, and I can tell you that if my parents found out, they would not support me in speaking up for myself.
And, of course, I would, MOST CERTAINLY, be labelled as difficult.
And that’s a shitty feeling. But what I can do, and do well, is write about my experience. I’ll do it anonymously if possible (cowardly, I know!), but I want to let anyone else know when and if they go through these experiences:
I SEE YOU. You aren’t alone. And no one has the right to make you feel crazy or less than for setting your limits. For being outspoken for yourself or others. For having an opinion that doesn’t fit within the status quo.
Well, what d’ya know…it worked! My heart rate is back to normal; my breathing has returned to shallow and (somewhat) even breaths.
Turns out blogging might be an excellent panic-attack strategy after all.
Have you ever experienced anything like this? Let me know in the comments, and share your story to help others!
It’s been another tough week for my neurodivergent kiddo. Well, if I’m being truthful, it’s been a difficult few months capping off a lifetime of difficulties. From her feelings of isolation to medication moodiness, school avoidance, and everything in between, it sometimes feels like she’s always swimming upstream, and I’m powerless to help her.
So, I decided to hit up my trusty laptop and use my voice to hopefully make the world a little more educated about the troubles children like my daughter endure. My hope is by providing information about conditions like ADHD and ASD, I might help the world be a kinder, more accepting place for my daughter and other children like her.
I decided to start with ADHD, as I feel this is a disorder that many people don’t take seriously enough. As a figure skating coach with thirty years of experience, I can attest to the lack of training and understanding I had when I was coaching. And I can attest to the tone-deaf techniques and coaching methods still used today for kids that think differently.
Given that ADHD affects between 5%-9% of all children and 3%-5% of all adults, we all need to do our part to learn how to help and support those suffering from this chronic disorder. In this blog, we’ll look at some of the lesser-known symptoms of ADHD that you might not know about.
So, buckle up, and let’s get started!
A Quick Refresher
Are you familiar with ADHD? Well, if you’re not, here’s a quick primer. ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects your ability to focus and stay on task.
It’s caused by a mix of environmental and genetic factors. It can cause executive functioning, working memory, organization, and emotional regulation deficits. When it comes to what regular people know about ADHD, the most common symptom is hyperactivity.
This is because it’s the most visible symptom and often leads to disruptive behaviors in the classroom (and elsewhere!). But there’s more to ADHD than hyperactivity; other symptoms include difficulty with procrastination, impulsivity, inattention, and forgetfulness.
So, now that you have a refresher on what ADHD is, let’s get into the lesser-known symptoms you might not be aware of.
8 Lesser Known Symptoms of ADHD
We all know about the difficulty regulating attention and the hyperactivity that often comes with ADHD (at least, you should by now unless you’ve been hanging out under a rock?), but there are so many other challenges presented by this condition.
Let’s examine some of them in more detail; after all, the more you know…
Time Blindness
People with ADHD focus on the NOW to the exclusion of everything else. This is because their brains have difficulty processing time as a concept, leading to a condition called “time blindness.”
Its symptoms include:
Being unable to tell time so that appointments and deadlines are forgotten or arrive unexpectedly
Difficulty organizing tasks in a logical order
Not being able to anticipate the future or plan ahead
Feeling as if time is passing too quickly or too slowly
Difficulty with transitions and moving on to the next activity
Time blindness is more than just bad timing; it’s a severe impairment that can lead to procrastination, missed deadlines, and a lot of frustration.
If your ears are perking up at any of these behaviours, reach out to your doctor about ways to manage time blindness. Taking this issue seriously is essential because it can considerably impact your life.
Executive Function Disorder
Ah, executive function disorder. It’s the bane of many people’s existence, yet few know what it is. Executive function disorder (EFD) is a symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder that hampers the ability to plan, organize, and manage tasks.
What is executive function?
Executive function disorder is an ADHD symptom that is often overlooked. It’s like the forgotten stepchild of ADHD — but don’t worry, it can still get all the attention it needs. It might make it easier to define executive function as the ability to get stuff done.
EFD affects the brain’s ability to plan, organize, and complete tasks. It’s as if the brain is constantly saying, “I’m not sure what to do next!” To put it in simple terms, imagine having a bunch of little elves in your head, all running around in different directions, and none of them know what they’re doing!
What causes EFD?
The root cause of EF disorder is an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Basically, the brain isn’t firing off the right signals to the right parts of the brain. This can lead to needing help staying focused, organizing thoughts, and completing tasks.
For those with EFD, tasks that may seem easy to others can feel like monumental challenges. It’s easy to get frustrated and overwhelmed when you just can’t keep up with the demands of daily life.
Psst…remember this the next time you feel your blood pressure rise when your child’s room looks like a warzone yet again. They actually have a brain-based reason for struggling to clean their room.
But it’s important to remember that EFD is manageable. With the proper correct accommodations and strategies, you can learn to manage your child’s symptoms and help them live a successful life.
Social Anxiety
Another symptom you may not be so familiar with is social anxiety. That’s right—ADHD can actually cause social anxiety. If you have ADHD, you may be hyper-aware of your surroundings, causing you to be highly anxious in social situations.
You might be more self-conscious than usual and worry that everyone is judging you or watching your every move. Or, you might have trouble interpreting social cues, such as facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language, making it challenging to “fit in” with your peers. This social anxiety can be tough on kids and teens.
They’re already dealing with the stress of growing up, and this extra layer of anxiety can be overwhelming. Fortunately, with effort and learned strategies, anxiety can be managed. Working with a trained professional to develop coping skills and learning how to better regulate your emotions can make a huge difference.
4. Trouble Getting to Sleep
Sleep issues are a common symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder that often go unnoticed. While it’s well-known that people with ADHD have difficulty concentrating and staying focused, many don’t realize that these issues can affect their sleeping patterns.
Struggling to sleep is a common issue for those with ADHD, but it can be especially problematic for those who don’t realize why they’re having trouble. Whether it’s due to racing thoughts, difficulty winding down, or an inability to “shut off” their mind, those with ADHD often find themselves in a catch-22 when it comes to getting a good night’s rest.
Don’t fret; there are plenty of strategies to help those with ADHD get to sleep more easily. Whether setting a strict bedtime routine, sticking to a regular sleep schedule, or even taking medication, there are many ways to get the restful sleep you need. So don’t let ADHD stop you from getting the rest you deserve!
Poor Working Memory
If you think ADHD only affects kids in the classroom, you better think again! Poor working memory—one of the lesser-known symptoms of ADHD—can cause significant problems for adults, too. It’s not just about forgetting your car keys or where you left your phone.
Poor working memory can affect your ability to remember instructions, recall details, and complete tasks. If your career requires you to juggle multiple tasks, this can be a real problem.
Again, this is where proper tactics and techniques can help improve your working memory. Things like breaking down large tasks into smaller steps, using lists to keep track of what you need to do, and using reminders (like notes or alarms) can all help you stay organized and on-task.
If you think poor working memory might be the culprit behind your disorganization or difficulty completing tasks, it’s worth talking to a doctor or therapist about your symptoms. With appropriate strategies and support, you can find ways to manage your ADHD and get back on track.
Emotional Dysregulation
The typical picture in everyone’s minds when they think of ADHD, is of kids bouncing off the walls, not being able to sit still, and having difficulty focusing. But what many people don’t realize is that kids with ADHD can also have trouble regulating their emotions.
So, what exactly is emotional dysregulation? Basically, it’s when someone’s emotions are all out of whack. They might feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, or all of the above, and they don’t have the tools to calm themselves down.
This is known as emotional dysregulation, which can be incredibly difficult for kids (and adults!) to manage.
What is emotional dysregulation?
This condition can lead to outbursts, meltdowns, and other disruptive behaviours. It’s important to note that emotional dysregulation isn’t a character flaw; it’s a symptom of ADHD. It happens because of how the brain is wired, meaning it’s not something the person can control.
That’s why it’s essential to find strategies to help kids with ADHD manage their emotions. Some approaches to help kids with ADHD regulate their emotions include:
Deep breathing
Taking a break
Distraction
Mindfulness exercises
Talking through their feelings
Exercise
Another great tip is to create a plan for handling big emotions in advance so that everyone knows what to do when they feel overwhelmed.
Emotional dysregulation can be incredibly difficult to manage, but it is possible. With the right tools, kids with ADHD can learn to regulate their emotions and lead happy balanced lives.
Poor Self-Esteem
It’s not news to anyone that having ADHD can significantly impact one’s self-esteem. From the constant barrage of criticism from teachers, peers, and even family members for not living up to their expectations to the inner dialogue of self-doubt and feeling like you’re just not good enough, having ADHD can take a toll on one’s self-confidence.
But what causes poor self-esteem in those with ADHD, and how can parents and caregivers help their children feel better about themselves?
One of the most critical components of low self-esteem in those with ADHD is feeling “less than.” Whether at school, the arena, or even among peers, those with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder often feel less intelligent, talented, or capable than those around them.
This feeling of inadequacy can be exacerbated by their difficulty completing tasks or performing to the same level as their peers, leading to a downward spiral of negative self-talk and self-doubt.
Luckily, there are steps caregivers can take to help their child cope with and manage the feelings of low self-esteem associated with ADHD.
First, it’s important to recognize that it’s not the child’s fault—it’s the ADHD.
Acknowledge that your child is doing their best and that trying their best is enough.
Next, focus on their strengths and successes, no matter how small. It helps to build their confidence and reminds them that they are capable.
Finally, encourage them to set realistic goals for themselves and celebrate the small steps they take toward reaching those goals.
With patience, understanding, and a little love, you can help your child with ADHD find self-confidence and feel better about themselves.
8. Trouble Getting Out of the Zone
It’s no secret that the symptoms of ADHD disrupt lives, but there’s one symptom that often goes overlooked: zoning out. You know how it goes—you’re in the middle of a conversation, and suddenly you’re lost in thought, only to come back to reality with no clue what the other person just said.
What is zoning out?
While zoning out is common in everyone, it can be a particularly frustrating symptom of ADHD. So, what is zoning out? It’s a distraction period that can last from a few moments to a few hours. It’s like a mini-escape from reality that can happen without warning.
During this time, you can be unresponsive and unaware of your surroundings, and it can be hard to snap out of it.
Why do you zone out?
So, what causes zoning out? It has many triggers, including boredom, fatigue, or overwhelming emotions. It can also be a sign of a more serious underlying condition, such as depression or anxiety.
Here are some ways to prevent or lessen your “zone-out time” each day:
Taking consistent, daily time-outs can help reduce fatigue and give your brain a chance to recover.
Being mindful of your emotions can also help. If you notice the overwhelm taking over, draw a few deep breaths and focus on the present moment.
Finally, talking to a professional can help you better understand the underlying cause of the zoning out and provide you with helpful strategies to manage it.
Zoning out may not be the most disruptive of the ADHD symptoms, but it can still be a source of frustration. Understanding what causes it and how to manage it can help prevent it from becoming a problem.
Now You Know a Little More About ADHD
It’s clear that ADHD presents itself in many different forms, and it can be challenging to identify the symptoms in yourself or a loved one. But now that you know more about what it looks like, you’re in a better position to recognize and help those in need.
If you or someone you know is living with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, it’s vital to seek help and resources to better manage the condition. No one should have to suffer through the symptoms of ADHD alone, so take the time to do your research and find the right support network.
Remember, the more you know about ADHD, the better equipped you are to help those around you. So take the time to learn more about this complex condition and how you can help those living with it.
Raising a neurodivergent child as a single mother can be a roller coaster, full of unique challenges and rewarding moments. As a single mom to a child with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and generalized anxiety, I’ve had more than my fair share of struggles. Keep reading for a few examples of the unexpected twists and turns you might encounter on this journey.
Challenges of Raising a Neurodivergent Child
Let’s look at the difficulties of raising a neurodivergent child as a single mom first. As much as I’d love to say it’s all sunshine and flowers, it’s not, and you will find some obstacles you both have to overcome. Here are a few I’ve found:
Your child’s special interest becomes your special interest
As a neurodivergent child, your little one might have a deep passion for a particular subject or activity. And as a single mom, you’re the primary source of support and encouragement. So get ready to become an expert on everything from Pokémon to medieval history, even if it’s not your usual jam.
My daughter’s special interests to date have been:
Dinosaurs
Geisha girls (she was young, so I made sure to describe them as, ahem, party planners)
The Titanic (please don’t ask me how many times I’ve seen the movie!)
Henry VIII and his wives
HAMILTON!!!
Six the Musical (guess she never left Henry and his wives behind)
Fashion and make-up trends through each decade
MUSIC!!!!
I’ve found that if you tie special interests into the learning process for school, or daily activities, it helps keep kids interested in the activity and more excited about learning.
Unexpected meltdowns in public
Neurodivergent children can sometimes react intensely to sensory stimuli or changes in routine. And as the only parent present, you’re the one there to help them through it. In other words, it’s alllllll you, mama! So be prepared for some interesting looks from strangers as you calmly–or not so calmly, who are we kidding–talk your child down from a meltdown in the middle of the grocery store.
Judgment from, well, everybody
Let’s face it, people will judge you. I wish it were otherwise, but you will discover that everyone and their dog will have an opinion–usually an uneducated one–about how you should discipline your child. From well-meaning teachers who have a few days’ worths of training and think themselves an expert to parents stuck in the more traditional child-rearing path, you will feel their criticism, which will cut to the bone. I wish it were otherwise, believe me, but better to be prepared for it than not.
Everything is a masterclass in psychological strategy
From anxiety to school avoidance to demand avoidance, these are terms you will get intimately familiar with. You will also have to throw everything you know or think you know about parenting out the window. Parenting a child who isn’t physically or mentally able to regulate their attention or emotions, follow instructions, or plan ahead is another level of parenting.
You will have suggestions and strategies thrown at you from every corner. From ABA therapy to reward charts to visual prompts, you’ll become an expert at it all. Some of these suggested techniques may take a LOT of your time and energy. Not a word of a lie, but one specialist gave me a 14-page set of instructions to implement a reward system for my child.
14 @#$% pages!
Clearly, he is not a single parent and doesn’t understand the first thing about our struggles or level of overwhelm! So mama, when this happens to you–and I guarantee it will–take a breath and remember that you can choose the right strategy for you and your child, so-called experts be damned.
Rewards of Raising a Neuroatypical Kiddo
Okay, now the doom and gloom part is over, I’ve got good news. You will have many feel-good moments raising your special needs child, and the best advice I can give you is to cherish every accomplishment, no matter how big or how small.
Those moments of success, whether they are finally brushing their teeth by themselves, or making a new friend at school, will make all the difference in your ability to cope with the struggle. Here are a few more perks I’ve encountered:
Your child’s unique perspective enriches your life
Neurodiversity is beautiful, and your child’s unique way of thinking and experiencing the world can open your eyes to new possibilities. You might find yourself laughing at their quirky sense of humor, being inspired by their creative ideas, or simply enjoying their unique perspective on life.
And don’t forget the embarrassment that comes from them announcing loudly to perfect strangers that you need to fix your roots. I promise you will laugh about it later, much later.
You become a fierce advocate for your child
As a single mom, you’re the only one standing up for your child regarding their education, healthcare, and overall well-being. And that means you become a social justice warrior for their rights and needs, learning everything there is to know about neurodiversity and fighting to ensure they have the support they need to thrive.
So be prepared to be “that” parent, and don’t stress if others see you as “that” parent. Sometimes we have to be “that” parent to get any help, and to hell with what anyone else thinks.
Your child teaches you resilience and flexibility
Raising a neurodivergent child as a single mom can be tough, but it can also teach you valuable lessons about picking your battles and not sweating the small stuff. They don’t want to wear a coat today even though you’re freezing? No problem, pack it in their backpack in case they need it.
They only eat chicken fingers morning, noon, and night? (I’m convinced this is the universal symbol for autism btw) No sweat, search for the healthiest brand you can find and try to balance out their meal with less processed foods too. (A good multivitamin and probiotic yogurt also help to keep things even keel).
You might find yourself adapting to unexpected challenges, learning to roll with the punches, and ultimately becoming a stronger, more open-minded person.
You will find a new tribe
Help is out there, I promise. You don’t have to do this alone. Search on social media for groups of other single parents and parents of children with special needs. As much as we like to rely on our neurotypical friends for support, sometimes we need to find people who are living our experience. These people will understand what you and your child are going through and will likely have some advice to share.
Likewise, don’t be afraid to reach out for resources and funding; if you’re unsure where to start, ask someone who’s already been there. There is aid available to you; it’s not always easy to find, but if you search hard enough–I know, one more thing to add to your already overflowing plate–you will find it!
Be Prepared for the Roller Coaster
In short, raising a neurodivergent child as a single mother can be challenging, but it can also be gratifying. You’ll have to navigate some unique obstacles, but you’ll also have the opportunity to experience the world in a whole new way and become your child’s ride-or-die, so you may as well buckle up and enjoy the ride!
What’s your experience been like as a single mom to a neurodivergent child? Did I miss anything? Make sure to like, share and comment so we can support each other!
A year or so ago, a celebrity gave an interview to a trashy tabloid news magazine (for the life of me, I can’t remember the name of the celebrity, suffice to say, I have T-shirts older than her) and in that interview, she referred to herself as a single mother because her NHL hockey player husband was away for weeks at a time.
The internet exploded.
Single mothers everywhere saw red…..then purple……then pretty much every
other color of the spectrum as they threw fits of rage and spewed venom.
It was spectacular.
Then came the “us” against “them” brigades, trying to dictate who had the right to call themselves a single mother and who didn’t.
I read quietly from the cheap seats and bit my tongue.
There were even memes on Facebook cataloging just how hard it was when married women (or men) had a spouse that traveled extensively, again citing the fact that they felt like they were single parents and how difficult it was to hold everything together.
Some of the people who shared these memes are people I
consider good friends and whom I respect deeply, so it didn’t bother me.
The thing that did bother me was the fact that, yet again, woman was turning against woman, trying to shame, explain, ridicule, and devalue someone else’s experience because it wasn’t the same as theirs.
It really saddened me.
Throughout millennia, women have been oppressed. We have been beaten, branded, stoned, burned, subjugated, brushed aside, marginalized, and exploited. Every inch of progress we have gained as a gender we owe to the women who have gone before and have suffered so much and sacrificed all.
And yet, it took one question to put us back at each other’s throats.
Where does this come from?
I have an eight-year-old daughter, and with her, it started in Junior Kindergarten. For two years, she had a frenemy that was, in turn, kind one day and sneaky and cruel unkind the next.
My daughter was ostracized and excluded to the point where she suffered from anxiety which manifested itself in physical symptoms. She didn’t want to go to school and was in pain EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Why are young girls conditioned to be cruel to each other? Is it because we don’t have the physical strength of men, so instinctively, we realize we must utilize covert means to get what we want?
If so, why does it manifest so early in our young women? I
wish I had the answers. If you go online
you will find a plethora of information, papers, and theories that will attempt
to explain the phenomenon of girl-on-girl crime, but nothing will really give
any concrete way to solve the problem.
Either way, the “single mom” debate inspired some real
animosity from both sides.
And I don’t get it.
I’m a single mom. I’m the type of single mom that does it all. My babydaddy child’s father lives across the country, and although he is a good man, we don’t see him much. When I was pregnant, I saw him even less and had to go through the whole process alone.
My experience as a single mom has been one of bone-deep weariness, gut-wrenching anxiety, loneliness, crushing responsibility, and endless….and I do mean endless amounts of guilt…that I am continuously fucking messing up.
But it’s also the experience of raising a beautiful, bright, funny, awesome little human who is, in SO many ways, a gift from the Universe. Every single day, I have moments where I know it was all worth it because she is the greatest love I will ever know.
So, just because I define my “single mommyhood” with these parameters, does that give me the right to judge others who call themselves single mothers?
I don’t think
so. After all, isn’t it about
perspective?
To the mother in a loving marriage who must hold down the fort while her husband is away for weeks at a time, YES, you are a single mom.
To the mother that has 50/50 custody of their children who works like a fiend when her kiddos are at her ex’s because she doesn’t want to be still long enough to realize how much she misses them, YES, you are a single mom.
To the mother that has to drive her children two hours to their spouse’s house every other weekend so they can get quality time with their father, because even though the round-trip drive is exhausting, you know how important it is for them to have time with their father, YES, you are a single mom.
We are all
single moms.
There is room enough on that pedestal
for all of us.
P.S. There’s also room for all of you single dads too.
Got any single mom stories? Share in the comments below, and let’s support each other!
And do me a favor, and help me reach more people by sharing my site with your friends (only if you like it, of course.)
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