Creating a symbol for neurodiversity, inspired by my daughter’s journey, led me through a thoughtful exploration of existing images. I began with a butterfly, symbolizing transformation, with one wing designed in fragmented, multicoloured puzzle pieces. This was meant to depict complexity and growth, yet I soon learned that the puzzle piece can feel alienating to many in the neurodivergent community.
Often, it implies that autism or other conditions need to be “solved” or “completed,” rather than accepted and celebrated as they are. This symbolism didn’t align with the message I wanted to send about inclusion and understanding.
Shifting from the butterfly, I explored the phoenix—a powerful symbol of resilience and renewal. The phoenix resonated deeply, as it reflected the strength I see in my daughter, who continually rises from difficult days of sensory overload or social challenges.
This symbol also speaks to autistic burnout, a significant experience for many, where the demands of navigating a neurotypical world can lead to deep exhaustion that goes beyond typical stress.
Still, as powerful as the phoenix is, it felt incomplete. I wanted a symbol that reflected not only individual resilience but also the importance of community and support. And that’s when the idea of the tree took root.
Embracing the Tree as a Symbol of Growth and Community
As I moved away from previous designs, the image of a tree began to emerge as a powerful symbol for neurodiversity—a representation of both individuality and interdependence. Trees thrive through a deep network of roots, drawing nourishment from the soil and connecting to the surrounding ecosystem.
Similarly, neurodivergent individuals often find strength and stability in their support systems, whether it’s family, friends, community resources, or even advocacy groups. These “roots” provide essential nutrients for growth, resilience, and flourishing in a world that can sometimes be challenging to navigate.
Above the surface, the tree’s branches and leaves capture a beautiful diversity. But just like in neurodivergent conditions, there’s so much happening beneath that others may never see.
This idea of “what lies beneath” is especially resonant in conditions like ADHD, where visible behaviours are just the tip of the iceberg. Many underlying traits and challenges—like anxiety, hyperfocus, or emotional sensitivity—often remain hidden yet play a significant role in daily experiences.
By choosing a tree as the design’s core, I wanted to honour both the visible and invisible aspects of neurodiversity, celebrating the unique strengths and needs of each individual leaf while also recognizing the collective strength of the community.
Each branch represents a unique path, each leaf a unique person, and together, they create a vibrant, interconnected network that provides strength, shade, and beauty for everyone involved.
The Tree’s Colors and Leaves: Celebrating Individuality
One of the most meaningful aspects of the tree design lies in its leaves, each representing a unique individual within the neurodivergent community. Neurodiversity is beautifully varied—each person presents differently, with unique strengths, challenges, and characteristics.
Much like leaves on a tree, these traits may look different on the surface but are equally essential to the whole. Whether it’s the vibrant creativity often found in ADHD, the intense focus common in autism, or the resilience shared by many neurodivergent individuals, each leaf brings its own beauty to the tree.
This diversity reflects the need for neurodiversity acceptance, where every person’s strengths and differences are valued.
Beyond individual expression, the tree represents a connected network—a reminder that neurodiversity is not isolated but part of an inclusive ecosystem that relies on neurodivergent individuals and neurotypical allies to flourish.
Just as trees thrive within a larger forest, the neurodivergent community finds strength in support and inclusion, creating spaces where every person can thrive. By acknowledging that we all have different needs and contributions, we can build a network that truly values and respects each person’s place in the community.
Advocacy Through Fashion: Start Conversations with What You Wear
Fashion has incredible power—it can make a statement, spark curiosity, and invite conversation. Wearing clothing that advocates for neurodiversity is more than just a style choice; it’s a way to openly support and celebrate the neurodivergent community.
A T-shirt, for instance, becomes a canvas for expressing neurodiversity acceptance, sharing the message that autism, ADHD, and other conditions deserve understanding and respect. Whether at the grocery store, on a school run, or at a community event, these designs serve as conversation starters, opening the door for people to ask questions and learn more about neurodiversity.
Beyond simply promoting awareness, wearing these symbols can foster a sense of solidarity. It’s a way for neurotypical allies, parents, friends, and neurodivergent individuals themselves to visibly show their support.
This public expression can be incredibly powerful—wearing something that says, “I see you, I understand, and I stand with you,” helps create a more inclusive and empathetic world. Fashion becomes an ally in the journey toward neurodiversity acceptance, breaking down barriers and encouraging us all to learn and grow together.
If you’re ready to make a statement and advocate for a more inclusive world, consider exploring BellaZinga’s Neurodiversity T-Shirt. By wearing designs that celebrate neurodiversity, you’re not just putting on a T-shirt—you’re taking part in a movement toward understanding, acceptance, and connection.
When Tamra Judge, star of “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” recently announced her autism diagnosis, it sparked a whirlwind of reactions. As an autism mom of 13 years, my initial feelings were intense—ranging from disbelief to anger. Raising a child on the spectrum has been a journey marked by profound challenges, daily heartbreaks, and constant advocacy.
Hearing Tamra reveal her diagnosis so casually, without the depth of understanding or experience, felt like a slap in the face to families like mine who live this reality every day.
But then I took a step back. Autism isn’t the same for everyone—it presents differently in every individual, especially for women who often go undiagnosed until later in life. Still, I found myself conflicted, questioning whether her announcement was genuine or if it was simply an excuse for her bad behaviour on the show.
In this blog, I want to explore these mixed feelings and offer a glimpse into the realities of autism, both as a condition and a diagnosis that impacts not just individuals, but entire families.
A World Not Built for Kids on the Spectrum
For kids like my daughter, the world can feel overwhelming—a place that’s too bright, too loud, too chaotic. It often feels like the world wasn’t built for them. My daughter struggles with sensory sensitivities, which makes it hard for her to be in busy, noisy places like school. The overhead lights, the constant hum of conversation, kids acting out—these things, which many children might find mildly distracting, are huge obstacles for her.
Autism Parenting Magazine explains that sensory processing issues are common in autistic children and can cause them to feel overwhelmed by sounds, lights, and touch. For my daughter, these sensitivities often trigger meltdowns and anxiety attacks that make a typical school day feel impossible to get through. She’s forced to endure an environment that’s almost tailor-made to overstimulate her senses.
And then there’s the bullying. My daughter struggles with reading social signals, understanding concepts like personal space, regulating her voice volume, and following the flow of conversation. She often gets too close, speaks too loudly, or doesn’t know when to enter or end a conversation.
Despite her kind heart and good intentions, she’s been ostracized and bullied so severely that we’ve had to change schools. The pain of watching her struggle to fit in, of seeing her beautiful spirit crushed under the weight of her peers’ rejection, is almost unbearable.
And don’t get me started about the lack of acknowledgment, understanding or support from school officials, the staggering amount of time I had to spend advocating for her and the number of meetings I had to initiate to try and make school a safe space. (That’s another blog entirely).
The Emotional and Physical Impact of Autism
Anxiety is a constant companion for my daughter. The fear of being bullied, the pressure to conform, and the overwhelming sensory input create an emotional cocktail that often results in meltdowns.
These aren’t the minor tantrums that some people might imagine—they are full-blown panic attacks that can last for hours, leaving both of us completely drained for the rest of the day. And these aren’t just emotional responses—they manifest physically, too.
Autistic children often experience physical symptoms tied to their anxiety, like gastrointestinal issues, frequent headaches, or even asthma. My daughter frequently complains of stomach aches and other physical discomforts on the days when her anxiety is at its peak. Anxiety and gastrointestinal problems are closely linked in autistic children, and it’s a struggle I see play out daily in my own household.
Executive Function and Daily Struggles
Even the simplest tasks, like getting ready for school in the morning, can feel insurmountable for my daughter. She struggles with executive function, which means organizing tasks and managing time can be incredibly difficult. While a neurotypical child might be able to get dressed, pack their backpack, and leave the house in 10 minutes, my daughter takes significantly longer because she can’t easily break down the steps in her head.
Executive function challenges manifest in autistic children in countless ways, making it hard to manage even routine tasks. For my daughter, things like tying her shoes, packing her lunch, or remembering what order to do things in are daily battles that take ten times as long as a neurotypical child would take. And when the world expects her to keep up with her peers, it adds even more anxiety to her already overwhelming load.
Tying It Back to Tamra’s Autism Announcement
This is why Tamra Judge’s announcement initially felt like a punch to the gut. As an autism mom, I know firsthand the profound challenges and daily struggles that come with raising a child on the spectrum. So when Tamra casually mentioned her diagnosis on her podcast, claiming she was diagnosed in one therapy session, it raised a lot of red flags.
Diagnosing autism typically takes multiple assessments with specialists, and the process is often lengthy and thorough. Could someone really be diagnosed in one session?
Reality Blurb’s article on the backlash Tamra received highlights how Tamra’s announcement was met with skepticism, especially given her reputation for dishonesty on “Real Housewives.” To some, it seemed like she might be using autism as an excuse for her bad behaviour on the show—a harmful narrative that could reinforce negative stereotypes about people on the spectrum.
Understanding Late Autism Diagnosis in Women
But on the other hand, it’s also important to acknowledge that autism often goes undiagnosed in women, who tend to mask their symptoms more effectively than men. Tamra could very well be one of the many women who were overlooked in childhood and only diagnosed later in life. Autism is frequently underdiagnosed in adult women, who often learn to hide their struggles and adapt to neurotypical expectations.
While my initial reaction was skepticism, I now see that Tamra’s diagnosis could still be valid. If she is truly on the spectrum, it’s important to have compassion for her and recognize that her journey may be different from others. However, it’s also crucial that we don’t allow this announcement to perpetuate harmful stereotypes about autism.
Conclusion: Balancing Compassion and Critical Thinking
At the end of the day, Tamra Judge’s announcement brings to light the complexities of autism, particularly in how it’s perceived and diagnosed in adults. While we should approach her situation with compassion, it’s equally important to demand a responsible conversation around autism—one that doesn’t reduce it to a convenient label or excuse.
Autism is not an excuse for bad behaviour, and it certainly isn’t a tool for garnering sympathy or avoiding accountability. It’s a condition that profoundly impacts individuals and families and deserves to be discussed with the respect and seriousness it warrants.
For those reading this, I urge you to educate yourselves further about autism and how it affects not only individuals but their families, friends, and communities. Let’s foster a conversation rooted in understanding, not judgment, and continue supporting and advocating for those on the spectrum in every way possible.
Back in Februrary, a commercial for Go RVing Canada appeared on our screens, prompting people to “Find their wildhood.” I’m sure you’ve seen the spot, but in case you haven’t, you can check it out for yourselves.
The story tells of a man searching for more than the stressful, monotonous, grind of our modern existence. After leaving work one day he’s had enough, and breaks. Instead of stepping onto the subway, he runs – as far and as fast as he can. As he does, he slowly divests himself of the trappings of our modern life, eventually finding himself in the wilderness.
Finally, our hero stumbles across a campfire, and through the flames he sees a shadowy figure. He gives chase, culminating in a leap of faith by following the figure off a cliff, and splashing down into the cool, baptismal waters of a mountain lake. As he emerges, the man realizes he’s been chasing himself; perhaps the person he used to be, and most certainly the person he wants to be now.
As I sat watching the commercial that first time (and if I’m being honest, all subsequent times), I was overcome by emotions so raw and a realization so great I didn’t know how to cope. Instead, I sobbed quietly into my hands, hoping my daughter wouldn’t walk into the room and see me devolving. Even while writing these words, I have to take breaks to pull myself together, because the message stirs something so deep, so broken, and so personal I find it difficult to share my thoughts.
By speaking these these thoughts out loud there is no turning back. I’m exposing all the ugly bits of myself – and what it’s like to be a single mother – to the world, and likely inviting more than a few trolls to take some shots.
In the end, it’s more important that I am open, vulnerable, and real with my readers, so here goes.
Single Mom Sacrifice
When I watch that commercial, I realize how much I have lost myself in my nearly twelve years of single parenthood. True, I knew I had sacrificed much by focusing on my child and her needs over my own, but I hadn’t realized the extent of it until I saw that man, in that lake, finally reaquainting himself with a healthier, happier version of himself.
The truth is, I don’t know how I got here, or even how I could have done anything differently. As a single mom, it’s an understatement to say life is hard. It seems like you are never doing enough, working hard enough, juggling fast enough, being patient enough, etc.
Now add to it the fact that my kiddo is autistic and has ADHD. For those of you that have neurodivergent children, you get it. For those of you that don’t…you’ll never get it until you live it.
Suffice to say, I’ve dedicated every ounce of my energy into ensuring my daughter receives the diagnoses, supports, counseling, medication, IEPs, strategies, and time with me she needs to be successful.
Everything else – and I mean everything – has gone on the backburner.
Being the Sole Provider
Of course, when it somes to finances, I’m it. It’s up to momma to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. (my kiddo loves bacon) But try to make any career work around:
Appointments
Meltdowns
After-school activities that are necessary for her social, emotional, and physical health
School avoidance behviours and constant calls to pick her up early
Physical symptoms of anxiety like constant stomach aches and headaches
Pathological demand avoidance
Poor executive function
Bullying and social issues with other children, etc.
Go ahead. Find a job that will allow you to work and still navigate that. I dare you. In fact, if anyone can tell me how to survive financially as a single mother, I’m all ears. Screw survive, I want to know how to thrive.
As I said before, it’s never enough. I’m never enough. There’s never enough time. There’s never enough money. But all the while I have to be the one to put on a brave face. To bolster her. To be patient for her. To never go out so I don’t spend money on sitters so I can afford her activities. To scrimp on dental care when I need it because I don’t have benefits and I need to make sure I can afford her braces. (My teeth still look great and my breath is minty fresh btw)
The end result is I don’t fucking recognize myself. I’ve let myself go. Most days, I look old, defeated and tired. Half the time I don’t have any energy.
I’m just now weaning myelf off my latest round of anti-depressants and anxiety meds for the panic attacks I was having dealing with the stress of trying to find a job that would work with our lifestyle needs and somehow pull us out of poverty. Not to mention the daily trauma of school avoidance meltdowns that were dominating our lives.
Body Image Takes a Hit
And I’m fat.There, I said it. Me, who used to be so athletic. Fuck, I used to live in the Rocky Mountains and run up them on a daily basis. My abs were so tight you could bounce a quarter off them, and I loved my legs. I was so sleek, and sexy, and loved dressing up in heels and painting the town.
Now I can’t stand to look at myself. It’s not like I’m drastically overweight, and as a friend of mine told me recently, I actually look like an average person, but when you spend the better part of your life being an athlete, it’s hard to adapt to a new curvier self.
Intellectually, I know it’s not my fault. I know part of this is getting older – hello perimenopause – not to mention the good ol’ stress hormone cortisol doing it’s nasty work. But I still blame myself for not fitting the picture of what I should look like, particularly when I compare it to how healthy I used to be.
Then there’s dating, or rather the lack of it. Between trying to find the time or energy to date, and feeling confident about my body and how I look, it seems like a lost cause. And don’t even talk to me about sex. It’s literally been years for me, and I feel about as sexy as a can of Drano right now.
But you know what I miss above all else? I miss having someone to help me make decisions – because it’s always all me shouldering the load. I miss holding someone’s hand, or crawling into someone’s lap and just being held and someone for once telling me that it will be alright, instead of me always being the one doing the reassuring.
It’s so hard not to be bitter and resentful of those people with significant others who provide for them. Who have the option to stay home and look after their kids and still live a life that’s not mired in stress. I almost laugh when women complain about their spouses when they forget to take out the garbage, or are away from home for too long with work.
To even have had one night a week where a spouse or partner drove my kid to their activities, or paid for groceries, would make a world of difference.
I don’t know who I am anymore. Or rather, I don’t know where the old “me” went. Mentally, I know I need to love my body for how it carries me through the world. And I’m the first one to preach body positivity and acceptance to my daughter and anyone else, so I don’t know why I can’t love myself regardless of my size.
But it just seems like everything is stacked against me. I try to focus on the little things to get me through, like the accomplishments or hurdles my kiddo overcomes. But again, it’s all about her. Somehow, my wants, my dreams, and my needs are lost in the mix.
Not because I’m choosing to ignore myself, but I’m just trying to survive and provide.
This is the Dirty Secret of Single Parenting
And that’s why this fucking commercial hits so hard. I want to meet myself again, and love myself again. I just don’t know how I can make it happen.
This is the dark side of single parenting no one will talk about. The angry, defeated, bitter side I see so many mothers unleashing in social media support groups.
All this might make you think I resent my child. I don’t. I love my child beyond measure, and show up for her every. single. day. to the best of my ability.
But there is nothing left for me after that.
So. What’s to be done? How can I find my way back to who I used to be? Or at least to the best version of myself now.
I don’t have the answers. The whole “self-care” myth is a crock of shit. And I’ve even written blogs about how to carve out time for it! (Colour me cynical and hypocritical) Let’s be honest, if I don’t have time to have a shower or put on make-up, I’m not going to be able to find time for much else. For some of us, there is simply no time, or money for self-care.
What I do know is I’m a fighter. So I’ve spent this weekend applying for jobs (like I’ve been doing on the daily for months) to help me finanically. I’ve been steadily working up my online presence for my new business venture in hopes of creating a passive income to help lighten the load.
I’m continuing my role as a content writer, and doing my best to search out new prospects.
I even splurged for a hair cut (First Choice Haircutters of course, I can’t afford a stylist) because it’s been over six months and I needed a trim.
All I can do is take it one hour, one day at a time. Maybe eventually I’ll find my “wildhood” again. Who knows, maybe I just need to get laid. (don’t gasp, I know you’re thinking it.)
So share with me your struggles about being a single mother. Or maybe struggling with body image issues. Or dating as an older woman?
Let’s put it all out there and support each other.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have to go RVing to find our “wildhoods.”
If you like my writing, subscribe, like, comment and share.
And don’t forget to check out my new biz at BellaZinga.com, where we promote the inclusion, awareness, acceptance, and celebration of neurodiversity.
Lately, it feels like the world is against me. Whatever I do seems to result in failure: whether it be parenting, job-hunting, writing, or self-care. Anxiety and stress are my constant companions, and I sometimes wonder how I don’t just give up.
Goddess knows there have been times I wanted it all to stop. But something always keeps me holding on, moving forward, and grinding harder. Honestly, it’s hard to put my finger on what keeps me going.
Certainly, my child is a significant factor. After all, as a single mom, I’m all she’s got. Add to that her special needs, making it even more crucial that I persevere when it all gets dark.
So what is it?
It comes to me as I sit and analyze my thoughts and feelings. I somehow ALWAYS find the tiniest glimmer of hope. Whether that looks like a new idea to make money, a day spent saying FUCK IT to the rules and just playing and connecting emotionally with my daughter, or just sitting outside and listening to the wind.
I’ve always found hope when I needed it. Sometimes it came to me in disguise, but I always recognized it. How can you find hope? Here’s what worked for me.
1. Embrace Failure: It’s Not the End, It’s Just a New Beginning
As a lifelong figure skater and coach, I’m no stranger to failure. But here’s the truth – I’m not afraid to fail. I’ve fallen and failed at learning new skills more times than I can count – literally thousands of times.
But each fall has only made me stronger. Remember, it doesn’t matter that you fall; what truly matters is that you get back up.
2. Perfection is Overrated: Let it Go
I’ve learned to let go of being perfect. For ages, I felt I needed to be the ideal coach, friend, mom, and person. If I’m honest, I still hold myself to that standard at times before I catch myself.
Perfectionism is a trap that prevents us from making progress. It can make us scared to try new things and keep us stuck in our comfort zones. Don’t let the idea of perfection hold you back. Embrace your flaws; they make you uniquely you!
3. Understanding Your Feelings: Your Emotions Are Your Guide, Not Your Enemy
As women in the workplace – and, let’s face it, the world – we’ve been conditioned to believe showing or even acknowledging our emotions are a sign of weakness. I think our emotions make us more self-aware and more resilient.
Your feelings are valid, and it’s essential to understand and manage them so you can use them to your advantage. I’ve learned to sit with my feelings instead of running from them. This helps me understand what’s going on inside, and from there, I can find ways to deal with it.
4. Prioritize Self-Care: You Cannot Pour From an Empty Cup
I know, I know. Self-care, blah, blah, blah. Take time for yourself, blah, blah, blah. I get it. As a single mom fighting every day just to put food on the table, I’m supposed to find time for a bubble bath somehow? Think smaller.
Taking time for self-care can often feel selfish, but you must make it non-negotiable. Even small things like listening to an audiobook as you do the dishes, watching Vanderpump Rules and doing laundry and housework during commercials – OMG SCANDOVAL!!! – or walking in nature for 5 minutes can help recharge our batteries and renew our hope. Plus, let’s keep it real, if Vanderpump Rules doesn’t make you feel better about your life choices right now, nothing will.
5. Seek Support: You Don’t Have To Do It Alone
Reach out to people who understand what you’re going through. Whether it’s a family member, friend, or a supportive online community, don’t hesitate to seek help. You’re not alone in this journey.
Remember, your story isn’t over yet. There’s always a new chapter to be written. So, hold on to that glimmer of hope and keep moving forward because you’re stronger than you think.
For inspiration and motivational content, check out my website, named after my kiddo, BellaZinga, for on-demand printables and clothing. You can follow my blog at MomCoachBoss, or subscribe to my YouTube channel, JWCoach4Life. (Just don’t hold my bad hair days against me!)
We’re all in this together; keep the faith and never give up.
If you or anyone you love is struggling or thinking about suicide, there are great resources here:
With thirty years of coaching experience, and ten years as a sport parent, I have been afforded many opportunities to create, implement, observe, and critique different organizational cultures.
If I am being entirely honest, one of the reasons I retired from coaching was my complete disillusionment surrounding the never-changing landscape of the culture we work in as figure skating coaches.
Full disclosure: While I always did my best to create a positive culture, I have also been responsible for creating less than positive environments through mistakes I have made, either by reacting inappropriately to what I percieved as injustice or unfair criticism, or being so outspoken about organizational issues as to burn bridges behind me.
Throughout my coaching life, I have worked for clubs with organizational cultures that felt so supportive and progressive I have deeply enjoyed coming to work because I felt so valued in my organization. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that these clubs exist and I have had the pleasure of working in them.
I have worked in other clubs where the culture was simply average; drama and divisiveness with one executive, then support and cohesion with the next. This is more often the norm in figure skating clubs in Canada simply because of the nature of their structure. For more on this, read my blog on some of the hardships endured by skating coaches in Canada.
I have also had the displeasure of working with a couple of clubs that were quite toxic.
I cannot overstate enough the stress I experienced working with these clubs. One, in particular, stands out. The anxiety I felt day in and day out was so bad it resulted in sleeplessness, nervous tics, weight gain, depression, self-doubt, and eventually burn-out.
Where I used to love going to work and didn’t even consider my coaching job as a “job,” I eventually became afraid to go to the rink because I always felt under attack. Even worse, it was plain the values I held dear were nowhere in evidence.
The hardest part of all was to try and diagnose the problem. Why was the club so toxic? Was it me? No matter how hard I tried to model clarity, to try to include people in my ideas, and to try to show professionalism, I seemed to fail at every turn.
What made my slow descent into disenfranchisement even worse is that I could see that people in the organization were doing the best they could. Yet somehow, the club became a place of division and strife. In the end, clarity in communication became non-existent, and trust had eroded to the point of being completely absent. There was little organizational structure to depend on, and skaters were leaving in droves.
I speak often about how important the “culture” of any organization is, but when it comes down to it, it is a complicated concept that few people understand, and, in my humble opinion, even fewer value it as an important factor in the success of skating clubs.
Before going any further, I want to give a shout-out to those clubs that do have wonderful, supportive, open, clear, and progressive cultures. You can tell those clubs that put in the work; they are the ones that produce confident athletes, seem to have happy coaches who remain with the club for a long time, and in general, you just feel good being there.
Sadly, in my experience, you have a 50/50 shot of finding a skating club in Canada with a positive club culture.
So what exactly IS organizational or club culture?
Well, after consulting my wise colleague Google, there seem to be several similarities between the many definitions of “organizational culture.”
You can pare down the commonalities of organizational culture to these things:
There is a collective agreement on what things are important to that particular club or youth organization. This means that the leaders in the club gather and determine which things they wish to make a focal point for the day-to-day running of their organization. These can include assumptions, beliefs, values, and practices.
The leaders of the organization are the ones that help to create and model these agreed-upon values or practices.
Workers in the organization are provided support in order to uphold these common beliefs or values, often in the form of incentives and also sometimes in the form of…ahem…punishment.
Leaders and workers alike work together to implement and maintain these beliefs, assumptions, values, or practices in order to create a harmonious and successful organization.
So there it is, sounds easy right?
BWAH-HA-HA-HA……! I hope that sound of my laughter in your ears isn’t too deafening.
Creating and maintaining a strong and positive club or organizational culture is one of the most difficult things to do ever.
Full stop.
With so many moving parts present in a figure skating club, like coaches, volunteers, parents, athletes, executive members, and administrative staff, just trying to get people to collectively commit to one set of shared values is nearly impossible.
A full concerted effort has to be made by every single person in that skating club to commit to modeling the core values of that culture, as well as following the processes and procedures set in place in order to maintain these values.
As someone who has always been fascinated by leadership styles (indeed, I am guilty of reading more books on leadership, mindset, and motivation by business leaders than your average bear), I have spent years trying to learn the “secret” to creating a positive club culture.
I’ve had some success and just as many failures, but I can tell you from experience these are the things that every club needs to possess in order to create a positive culture.
Clarity
As someone who is late to hop on the Brene Brown train, I admit to always being skeptical of anything that smacks of self-help…but wow, this lady (sorry….Doctor!) blew me away. Listening to her book “Dare to Lead” left me open-mouthed and wide-eyed from the sheer force of the multiple “a-ha” moments it provided. (not to be confused with multiple orgasms, that’s another book and an entirely different type of author).
While it would take too long to list all of the takeaways provided by this first-class researcher on vulnerability, courage, and shame in relationships AND in the workplace, one of the concepts that resonated the most deeply with me is: “clear is kind, and kind is clear.”
Dr. Brown repeats this rule like a mantra, and indeed, it should be the mantra at every skating club or youth sports organization.
Too often, we are too afraid to say what we are feeling. When we have a problem in our club, we hesitate to speak up for fear of sounding weak or, worse, like an emotional woman.
Too often, we let wounds fester in our skating clubs, leaving rumours unaddressed and allowing issues to grow until the resentment between coaches or executive members is so great there is no hope of meeting with an open heart or mind, as Brown often recommends.
I have always been clear. Perhaps too clear, and if I’m being candid, my delivery is not always as gentle as it could be. It has always been my belief that we have to name issues and do the hard work required to solve them in order to move forward productively.
Unfortunately, everyone in the club has to “buy in” to this belief, and if you are the only one or one of the few who believes that “clear is kind,” then you will often find yourself in “unkind” waters for attempting to be transparent.
Organization
In order to have a successful club culture, there must be a system in place that everyone understands and trusts implicitly. For example, it is no use attempting to team coach when you have coaches who haven’t bought into the process and do everything in their power to undermine the program.
Everyone in a productive organization must know their jobs and have the support necessary to carry them out to the best of their abilities. This leads me to my third point.
I can’t tell you how much a simple thing like “thank you” changes my day. Yet words like “thank you” or “I appreciate the job you did today” are very seldom used. When they are, they stand out.
To value your fellow coaches and executive members means that you also trust them to do their job without micromanaging them.
A club with a positive culture gives professionals and executive members alike the space they need to do their jobs well and the resources they need to do it.
They also pay these individuals what they are worth and respect their time outside of the rink.
A positive club culture is one that allows members to set healthy boundaries and maintain a work/life balance.
Opportunity for Mentorship and Growth
Every member of an organization or club needs a chance to grow within that organization. Opportunities for education and promotion should be regularly provided in order to keep members challenged and fulfilled in their careers.
Novice coaches should be assigned a senior coach as a mentor to provide them support and guidance. The knowledge and experience mentor coaches can provide up-and-coming coaches are invaluable—particularly for female coaches—and will increase coach retention in the long run.
Openness to Feedback
No one likes receiving negative feedback. Myself the least of all. But in order to maintain and nurture a positive club culture, it is critical that all members in a skating club take a step back from their own egos and really LISTEN to feedback when it is offered. When members feel safe to open up about their concerns and feel valued and heard, the entire dynamic of the organization changes for the better.
As an example, my daughter used to dance at a studio where I felt like I was always overreacting or being a hysterical female when I brought up my concerns to her instructors or the director. (I want to be accurate; there were two instructors that went over and above to help my daughter and recognized that she needed modifications; they were the reason we remained as long as we did).
While lip service was paid to my concerns, nothing was ever changed, and I felt alienated and devalued, much like my daughter was feeling.
As I later found out, my daughter was diagnosed with special needs, and we left that studio for one that has one of the best organizational cultures I have ever seen. Every time I have approached any of the teachers or the owner of our new studio about any concerns, I have been met with absolute openness and care, and best of all, action was immediately taken.
This is what inspires people to remain loyal to your organization.
Constant Vigilance
As I mentioned above, it is not enough to simply write a mission statement about what the main values are for your organization. Now you have to “walk the walk.” This is where most organizations fall down.
With so many changes in our executive members and sometimes coaching staff, the values and beliefs that are so integral to each figure skating club require constant care and follow-up in order to maintain. Positive club cultures are not a “one-and-done” thing.
Another practical yet ground-breaking idea from Brene Brown is the idea of “rumbling with vulnerability.” Simply put, this is a meeting (on a continuous basis—I would recommend weekly) where everyone comes together with a total commitment to complete openness and vulnerability.
Everyone is required to share a viewpoint and back it up; no one is allowed to sit back and coast. The idea is to set aside ego and come together, in understanding and vulnerability, to find workable solutions to any issues.
I can’t state strongly enough how much I wish we had these at the skating clubs I have worked at. And yes, for those of us in the profession long enough, we are supposed to have coaches’ meetings, but are those really open?
Do people feel they can be vulnerable and will be supported in sharing their issues? Are the executive members present at these meetings too? Shouldn’t they be?
As you can see, creating and maintaining a positive culture in your youth sports organization or figure skating club can be a difficult process, but it is well worth it.
If you are a club executive member, skating school director, dance studio owner, or club coach, I highly recommend reading any of Brene Brown’s books, particularly “Dare to Lead.” It may help you create a more positive club culture in your organization.
If you want to hear more about organizational culture in youth sports, watch for our “Coaches on Edge” Podcast, where we dissect our experiences and thoughts concerning organizational, club, and studio culture. You can find us on Anchor, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Breaker, Overcast, Pocketcasts, and RadioPublic!
We’ll be joined by Shawna Kwan, Owner of Elan Dance Arts: Dance Teacher, Choreographer, Business Mentor, and Entrepreneur, as we discuss the things we do to maintain a positive culture for our athletes.
If you have any questions, comments, or pointers for creating your own positive culture you’d like us to discuss on our podcast, let us know in the comments below!
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