BellaZinga.Blog

Tag: Dance Studios

  • A Dance Recital Like No Other

    A Dance Recital Like No Other

    Last weekend my daughter danced in her studio’s end-of-the-year recital. The show was a success, full of the usual suspects; seasoned performers hip-hopping their way to fame, teeny-weenies out for their dance debut loaded with sparkles and wide-eyed anticipation, and budding street dancers learning the breakdance ropes. 

    While all of these regular recital occurrences are heart-warming, what got me in the “feels” was that I got to watch the entire thing from the audience. 

    This may sound odd, given that my little dancer is not so little anymore. In fact, at nearly twelve, she’s taller than most grown women. And you’re likely now thinking that I’m a total helicopter mom, hovering like there’s no tomorrow, too afraid to cut the apron strings and let my daughter look after herself.

    While that may be true, there’s also another factor to consider. You see, my daughter is neurodivergent; she has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum. This means that she is quirky, beautiful and (in my humble opinion) fucking brilliant. 

    It also means she has significant challenges in places and at events that you and your neurotypical kiddos likely take for granted.

    I won’t ever take something like watching a dance recital from the audience for granted again. I’ll tell you why.

    Source: Unsplash

    The Extra Steps of Autism

    My daughter doesn’t look any different than your average tween. Given that she is considered Level 1 ASD (formerly known as Aspergers), nothing would cue you that she is any different from a neurotypical child. 

    This is why so many parents of kids on the spectrum get the side-eye, eye-rolls, and just about any other eye-related behaviour from other parents, teachers, doctors, etc. 

    No two children on the spectrum are the same, but let me share with you some of the challenges my daughter has had to overcome in her dance career.

    Motor Difficulties

    You know how kids can effortlessly tie their shoes or change outfits like they’re in a backstage dressing room of a Broadway show? Well, that’s not exactly a walk in the park for my kiddo. 

    With her motor skills functioning a little differently, quickly tying tap shoes or changing sparkly leotards might as well be an Olympic event. And let’s not forget the actual dance numbers. 

    With balance and coordination playing a cheeky game of hide-and-seek, the challenge of mastering those intricate steps is on another level.

    Issues with Working Memory

    Ever tried to keep track of multiple dance numbers, their order, and the steps for each in your head? My daughter tackles this challenge head-on every time she steps onto that stage. 

    Prioritizing tasks and decision-making are like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded. The struggle with working memory is real y’all.

    Executive Function Challenges 

    Imagine having a long list of instructions, each more complex than the last. Sound overwhelming? Now, think about how it feels when every day is filled with these lists and not having a freaking clue where to begin or how to put the required steps in order?

    That’s the reality for children like my daughter. Delayed executive function development is like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. Is it any wonder they get frustrated and lose their shit?

    Emotional Dysregulation

    Feelings for my daughter are like waves during a storm, overwhelming and unpredictable. Her emotions are big, bold, and often challenging to rein in. It’s like riding a roller coaster without a safety bar, thrilling but also a little scary.

    The hardest part as her parent is to watch the shame and guilt play across her features once she has calmed down and realized what she said and did while she was struggling for control. 

    Even though my kiddo is starting to realize that when she gets overwhelmed, her frontal lobe is not in control, and she is in the clutches of her amygdala and the dreaded fight/flight/freeze/fawn (although there is a strong argument for using “feign” instead of fawn) response cycle, she still feels bad about her behaviour after the fact.

    Sensory Sensitivities

    Imagine being at a rock concert, but the music’s too loud, the lights are too bright, and the crowd’s too much. Now, try picturing that every time you’re in a room full of kids or under fluorescent lighting. 

    That’s what my daughter deals with — a world where sounds, smells, and sights can be as piercing as a siren’s call. Because she perceives the world differently and often more intensely, she can experience these sensations as discomfort and even pain.

    Now see yourself at a dance competition or recital, packed together in a dressing room with hundreds of other dancers, all anxious and excited. The steady drum of chatter, shouting, crying, and music would be enough to drive a neurotypical person to drink, let alone someone who’s conditioned to perceive these stimuli as threats! (To clarify, I don’t let my daughter drink…so don’t come for me!)

    Problems Reading Social Cues

    Reading social cues for my daughter is like deciphering hieroglyphics without a Rosetta Stone. It’s tough not knowing how to fit into the social puzzle, feeling isolated in a room full of chattering children. 

    But thank the goddess for our dance studio. Through careful attention to fostering a climate and culture of family and inclusion, they have helped my daughter fit in every step of the way. I wish I could say the same for our previous studio, but that’s another story for another time. (And perhaps that aforementioned drink)

    Triumph in the Dressing Room

    Usually, I am my daughter’s special assistant in the dressing room. My job is to make sure she can navigate quick changes, take a sensory break if necessary, calm her in case of overwhelming nervousness to prevent meltdowns and help her navigate the environment and pressure around her.

    I always ask my kiddo if she wants me there with her in the dressing room or if she’d like to try it on her own, as I’m trying to foster independence and push her boundaries, but I want her to feel ready for it.

    So I wasn’t surprised when she asked me to be her special dressing room assistant once again. 

    I don’t mind this, but the fact is, it is usually only my daughter and me at these events. So when I’m below in a dressing room, I am not in the audience to hoot, holler, yell, and clap for her when she’s onstage. And that means she has no one in the audience to do that for her. 

    As you can imagine, for an only child who seldom sees her father and sees ALL the other families full of siblings and relatives attending, this is hard for both of us.

    Still, I was prepared. I’d created extra lists for my l’il dancer with the order of her numbers, all carefully highlighted. I’d labelled each of her dance bags carefully, even crafting numbers to hang on each hanger so it would be easier to see which one was next.

    I’d done all the things necessary to ensure a seamless experience. I’d packed all my kiddo’s sensory stuff, like headphones, earbuds, fidget spinners, a tablet and a charger, not to mention a cell phone. You name it; we were ready.

    Then, suddenly, as we were setting her bag up in her designated space, my daughter shot me an “I’m so embarrassed my mom is here look” and started shooing me away.

    I have to admit. I froze, unsure if I was actually seeing what I thought I was. 

    Sure enough, my daughter wanted me to leave her alone so she could hang with her dance friends. When I asked if she could handle the quick changes, she said she could, and I should leave her alone.

    Source: Pexels

    A New Perspective: Joining the Audience

    I just about cried. Partly, if I’m being honest, because this was a huge hurdle, and it meant my baby was growing up, which is difficult for every mama bear, neurodivergent or neurotypical alike.

    But partly because of the overwhelming sense of relief and freedom to sit and enjoy myself at a function. Whether it was a family dinner, a holiday gathering, a school assembly, or a dance recital, I had yet been unable to do this.

    I don’t think you can understand how it feels to always be alone when you’re the parent of a kiddo on the spectrum. Because your child is more, needs more, and demands more, you have to give more, be available more, be more organized, be more prepared, be more calm…I think you get the picture.

    This sense of being an uber parent is not conducive to sitting and having a cocktail at a dinner party, socializing with family at a Christmas get-together, or watching your daughter shine onstage at dance recitals.

    Until last week.

    And shine, she did. Although it was hard to see from the tears in my eyes. (I’m not crying, you’re crying)

    Parenting on the Spectrum Means You Celebrate the Ordinary Moments as if They Were Extraordinary

    My daughter did it on her own, and I couldn’t be prouder. You see, for parents like me, we don’t just celebrate the recitals or awards. We celebrate the moments when our children prove to the world, and more importantly to themselves, that they are so much more than a label.

    We celebrate when they show their strength and resilience in the face of adversity and face the challenges of a world that can be overwhelmingly stacked against them.

    So yes, I won’t ever take something like watching a dance recital from the audience for granted again. Not because it’s a luxury but because it’s a testament to the beautiful, quirky, brilliant girl my daughter has become. And how damn proud I am of her.

    If you want to share some ordinary yet extraordinary moments with your neurodivergent child, comment below, and follow me for more blogs!

    Better yet, why not check out my online store, BellaZinga (inspired by my daughter and her neverending one-liners) for some merch with a side of neurodivergent sass? While you’re there, you can download my eBook “Friends Beyond Differences: Embracing Neurodiversity.” 

    It’s an engaging guide written specifically for neurotypical kids aged 6-12 to help them understand and embrace their neurodiverse peers.

    And remember, our differences make us unique, but our humanity binds us together. Let’s ensure every child, regardless of their neurotype, feels accepted, loved, and capable of dancing their own unique rhythm.

    Shine on, my beautiful neurodiverse kiddos.

    Shine on.

  • The Importance of “Culture” in Our Youth Sport Organizations

    The Importance of “Culture” in Our Youth Sport Organizations

    With thirty years of coaching experience, and ten years as a sport parent, I have been afforded many opportunities to create, implement,  observe, and critique different organizational cultures.

    If I am being entirely honest, one of the reasons I retired from coaching was my complete disillusionment surrounding the never-changing landscape of the culture we work in as figure skating coaches.

    Full disclosure: While I always did my best to create a positive culture, I have also been responsible for creating less than positive environments through mistakes I have made, either by reacting inappropriately to what I percieved as injustice or unfair criticism, or being so outspoken about organizational issues as to burn bridges behind me.

    Throughout my coaching life, I have worked for clubs with organizational cultures that felt so supportive and progressive I have deeply enjoyed coming to work because I felt so valued in my organization.  I cannot tell you how thankful I am that these clubs exist and I have had the pleasure of working in them. 

    I have worked in other clubs where the culture was simply average; drama and divisiveness with one executive, then support and cohesion with the next. This is more often the norm in figure skating clubs in Canada simply because of the nature of their structure.  For more on this, read my blog on some of the hardships endured by skating coaches in Canada.

    I have also had the displeasure of working with a couple of clubs that were quite toxic. 

    Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

    I cannot overstate enough the stress I experienced working with these clubs. One, in particular, stands out.  The anxiety I felt day in and day out was so bad it resulted in sleeplessness, nervous tics, weight gain, depression, self-doubt, and eventually burn-out. 

    Where I used to love going to work and didn’t even consider my coaching job as a “job,” I eventually became afraid to go to the rink because I always felt under attack. Even worse, it was plain the values I held dear were nowhere in evidence.

    The hardest part of all was to try and diagnose the problem.  Why was the club so toxic?  Was it me?  No matter how hard I tried to model clarity, to try to include people in my ideas, and to try to show professionalism, I seemed to fail at every turn.

    What made my slow descent into disenfranchisement even worse is that I could see that people in the organization were doing the best they could.  Yet somehow, the club became a place of division and strife. In the end, clarity in communication became non-existent, and trust had eroded to the point of being completely absent. There was little organizational structure to depend on, and skaters were leaving in droves.

    I speak often about how important the “culture” of any organization is, but when it comes down to it, it is a complicated concept that few people understand, and, in my humble opinion, even fewer value it as an important factor in the success of skating clubs.

    Before going any further, I want to give a shout-out to those clubs that do have wonderful, supportive, open, clear, and progressive cultures.  You can tell those clubs that put in the work; they are the ones that produce confident athletes, seem to have happy coaches who remain with the club for a long time, and in general, you just feel good being there. 

    Sadly, in my experience, you have a 50/50 shot of finding a skating club in Canada with a positive club culture.

    So what exactly IS organizational or club culture?

    Photo by Polina Zimmerman on Pexels.com

    Well, after consulting my wise colleague Google, there seem to be several similarities between the many definitions of “organizational culture.” 

    You can pare down the commonalities of organizational culture to these things:

    • There is a collective agreement on what things are important to that particular club or youth organization. This means that the leaders in the club gather and determine which things they wish to make a focal point for the day-to-day running of their organization.  These can include assumptions, beliefs, values, and practices.
    • The leaders of the organization are the ones that help to create and model these agreed-upon values or practices.
    • Workers in the organization are provided support in order to uphold these common beliefs or values, often in the form of incentives and also sometimes in the form of…ahem…punishment.
    • Leaders and workers alike work together to implement and maintain these beliefs, assumptions, values, or practices in order to create a harmonious and successful organization.

    So there it is, sounds easy right? 

    BWAH-HA-HA-HA……!  I hope that sound of my laughter in your ears isn’t too deafening.

    Creating and maintaining a strong and positive club or organizational culture is one of the most difficult things to do ever. 

    Full stop.

    With so many moving parts present in a figure skating club, like coaches, volunteers, parents, athletes, executive members, and administrative staff, just trying to get people to collectively commit to one set of shared values is nearly impossible.

    A full concerted effort has to be made by every single person in that skating club to commit to modeling the core values of that culture, as well as following the processes and procedures set in place in order to maintain these values.

    As someone who has always been fascinated by leadership styles (indeed, I am guilty of reading more books on leadership, mindset, and motivation by business leaders than your average bear), I have spent years trying to learn the “secret” to creating a positive club culture.

    I’ve had some success and just as many failures, but I can tell you from experience these are the things that every club needs to possess in order to create a positive culture.

    Clarity

    As someone who is late to hop on the Brene Brown train, I admit to always being skeptical of anything that smacks of self-help…but wow, this lady (sorry….Doctor!) blew me away.  Listening to her book “Dare to Lead” left me open-mouthed and wide-eyed from the sheer force of the multiple “a-ha” moments it provided.  (not to be confused with multiple orgasms, that’s another book and an entirely different type of author).

    While it would take too long to list all of the takeaways provided by this first-class researcher on vulnerability, courage, and shame in relationships AND in the workplace, one of the concepts that resonated the most deeply with me is: “clear is kind, and kind is clear.”

    Dr. Brown repeats this rule like a mantra, and indeed, it should be the mantra at every skating club or youth sports organization.

    Too often, we are too afraid to say what we are feeling. When we have a problem in our club, we hesitate to speak up for fear of sounding weak or, worse, like an emotional woman.

    Too often, we let wounds fester in our skating clubs, leaving rumours unaddressed and allowing issues to grow until the resentment between coaches or executive members is so great there is no hope of meeting with an open heart or mind, as Brown often recommends.

    I have always been clear. Perhaps too clear, and if I’m being candid, my delivery is not always as gentle as it could be. It has always been my belief that we have to name issues and do the hard work required to solve them in order to move forward productively.

    Unfortunately, everyone in the club has to “buy in” to this belief, and if you are the only one or one of the few who believes that “clear is kind,” then you will often find yourself in “unkind” waters for attempting to be transparent.

    Organization

    In order to have a successful club culture, there must be a system in place that everyone understands and trusts implicitly. For example, it is no use attempting to team coach when you have coaches who haven’t bought into the process and do everything in their power to undermine the program.

    Everyone in a productive organization must know their jobs and have the support necessary to carry them out to the best of their abilities. This leads me to my third point.

    Value Each Other

    Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

    I can’t tell you how much a simple thing like “thank you” changes my day. Yet words like “thank you” or “I appreciate the job you did today” are very seldom used. When they are, they stand out.

    To value your fellow coaches and executive members means that you also trust them to do their job without micromanaging them.

    A club with a positive culture gives professionals and executive members alike the space they need to do their jobs well and the resources they need to do it.

    They also pay these individuals what they are worth and respect their time outside of the rink.

    A positive club culture is one that allows members to set healthy boundaries and maintain a work/life balance.

    Opportunity for Mentorship and Growth

    Every member of an organization or club needs a chance to grow within that organization. Opportunities for education and promotion should be regularly provided in order to keep members challenged and fulfilled in their careers.

    Novice coaches should be assigned a senior coach as a mentor to provide them support and guidance. The knowledge and experience mentor coaches can provide up-and-coming coaches are invaluable—particularly for female coaches—and will increase coach retention in the long run.

    Openness to Feedback

    No one likes receiving negative feedback. Myself the least of all. But in order to maintain and nurture a positive club culture, it is critical that all members in a skating club take a step back from their own egos and really LISTEN to feedback when it is offered. When members feel safe to open up about their concerns and feel valued and heard, the entire dynamic of the organization changes for the better.

    As an example, my daughter used to dance at a studio where I felt like I was always overreacting or being a hysterical female when I brought up my concerns to her instructors or the director. (I want to be accurate; there were two instructors that went over and above to help my daughter and recognized that she needed modifications; they were the reason we remained as long as we did).

    While lip service was paid to my concerns, nothing was ever changed, and I felt alienated and devalued, much like my daughter was feeling.

    As I later found out, my daughter was diagnosed with special needs, and we left that studio for one that has one of the best organizational cultures I have ever seen. Every time I have approached any of the teachers or the owner of our new studio about any concerns, I have been met with absolute openness and care, and best of all, action was immediately taken.

    This is what inspires people to remain loyal to your organization.

    Constant Vigilance

    As I mentioned above, it is not enough to simply write a mission statement about what the main values are for your organization. Now you have to “walk the walk.” This is where most organizations fall down.

    Photo by fotografierende on Pexels.com

    With so many changes in our executive members and sometimes coaching staff, the values and beliefs that are so integral to each figure skating club require constant care and follow-up in order to maintain. Positive club cultures are not a “one-and-done” thing.

    Another practical yet ground-breaking idea from Brene Brown is the idea of “rumbling with vulnerability.” Simply put, this is a meeting (on a continuous basis—I would recommend weekly) where everyone comes together with a total commitment to complete openness and vulnerability.

    Everyone is required to share a viewpoint and back it up; no one is allowed to sit back and coast. The idea is to set aside ego and come together, in understanding and vulnerability, to find workable solutions to any issues.

    I can’t state strongly enough how much I wish we had these at the skating clubs I have worked at. And yes, for those of us in the profession long enough, we are supposed to have coaches’ meetings, but are those really open?

    Do people feel they can be vulnerable and will be supported in sharing their issues? Are the executive members present at these meetings too? Shouldn’t they be?

    As you can see, creating and maintaining a positive culture in your youth sports organization or figure skating club can be a difficult process, but it is well worth it.

    If you are a club executive member, skating school director, dance studio owner, or club coach, I highly recommend reading any of Brene Brown’s books, particularly “Dare to Lead.” It may help you create a more positive club culture in your organization.

    If you want to hear more about organizational culture in youth sports, watch for our “Coaches on Edge” Podcast, where we dissect our experiences and thoughts concerning organizational, club, and studio culture. You can find us on Anchor, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Breaker, Overcast, Pocketcasts, and RadioPublic!

    We’ll be joined by Shawna Kwan, Owner of Elan Dance Arts: Dance Teacher, Choreographer, Business Mentor, and Entrepreneur, as we discuss the things we do to maintain a positive culture for our athletes.

    If you have any questions, comments, or pointers for creating your own positive culture you’d like us to discuss on our podcast, let us know in the comments below!

  • Walking a Tightrope Between Parent of a Child with ADHD and Dance Mom

    Walking a Tightrope Between Parent of a Child with ADHD and Dance Mom

    I always knew my daughter was different, right from the womb. Not better or worse, just different. People tried to normalize her activity level, her issues with socialization, and her fears as “all kids have fears” but I knew she was different right from the get go.

    So now that we have a formal diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety, I am in the process of deciding whether to medicate for the ADHD symptoms, which is a dilemma in itself. ( I am convinced she is also gifted, and there may be other learning issues, but as we don’t have benefits there is no way I can afford a psycho-educational assessment right now.)

    I am a single parent. I work three jobs and home school my daughter because attending normal school became untenable….she suffered bullying and difficulties through out her first three years into grade 1, so much so that her physical symptoms of school avoidance, tummy aches, nightmares, outbursts, and constipation were dominating our lives.

    WHEN YOUR 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER STARTS TO TALK ABOUT KILLING HERSELF BECAUSE SHE WILL NEVER HAVE FRIENDS AT SCHOOL, YOUR HEART SHATTERS.

    But, I did my best to manage the symptoms of anxiety, because through junior and senior kindergarten, she was described as a “rock star” by her teachers, so I saw that there was value from her attending school.

    I should have known not to get complacent.

    Within a month of starting grade 1, my amazingly brilliant child who I couldn’t keep up with at home in regards to her curiosity and thirst for knowledge was suddenly behind in everything when the education style moved from learner driven to curriculum driven in grade 1. Suddenly, over the course of one summer, she went from being a “rock star” to being behind in every subject.

    It’s been a bumpy, ride, and I couldn’t love my daughter more. She is brilliant, and funny, and a true performer, and a caring and sweet little girl.

    But, she is exhausting. And I feel guilty for feeling exhausted by her…it’s a never ending cycle…lol. ( I laugh because if I cry I will never stop, and laughing is better)

    Today, I’d like to talk about my current dilemma in our neuroatypical saga.

    Photo by Skitterphoto from Pexels

    My daughter is a competitive dancer, and here’s my concern. We have been been four years at the same dance studio. She has been competing on the performance group for 3 of those years. She has been a performer from birth and she shines when she is in the spotlight.

    I have also found that she does better socializing in her dance group because they are all there for a common goal and they have constant direction in their lessons, so it is easier for her to read social cues and navigate the landscape.

    Not to mention the outlet for her creativity and energy is a godsend.

    But there are issues. My daughter is hypersensitive, and always has been. Things that would not bother other kids will bring her to tears and she will fixate on them for weeks.

    Several of her instructors give feedback in ways that I do not deem appropriate.

    Now, a little background on me. I am a national level figure skating coach with a degree in Kinesiology. I have been coaching for 30 years and my life’s work has been all about learning how to teach young students, and how to give feedback. I have lost count of the papers I have written and the other coaches I have mentored in terms of helping them learn how to coach young athletes, and I myself never stop learning and trying to better myself and how I teach my skaters.

    So I know what I am talking about when I see feedback given in a manner that is not conducive to building self-esteem.

    And I feel that these particular teachers need to be aware that some of their dancers are not good with always being told negative things with no positive to balance them, or being singled out publicly when they are corrected.

    This is hard to handle for a neurotypical athlete, let alone an athlete with my daughters issues.

    I have emailed constructive feedback, asking for some compromise in how feedback is given. I have also worked consistently with the studio in terms of sharing my daughters issues and her diagnosis. I have given them a wonderful website with a list of coaches strategies for working with athletes with ADHD and anxiety, and I have countless one on ones with the instructors. I have bought private lessons for my daughter to help her with the smaller details of dance and her focus (group lessons are hard for her due to so much going on).

    The problem is, nothing is changing. She still feels singled out. She still struggles with the way the instructors teach, and the studio is extremely disorganized. I can never be sure the information I give to the owner/director is being passed down to the teachers. Her private lessons were discontinued due to scheduling on their end, and despite repeated attempts to re-book, because my daughter loves them and they help her tremendously, nothing has been done.

    I know that this is likely to be an issue at most dance studios, because from my experience, most coaches are not well-versed on the differences between neurotypical and neuroatypical athletes. If we change studios, it becomes a 45 minute drive to find a new one, and I am already stretched to the limit.

    Photo by Alexander Dummer

    I’m at a loss. I feel like that parent that always has to advocate, and I catch myself wondering how much I have to help her to get accommodations for her issues and how much I should just tell her that there are always different kinds of coaches and you have to learn how to deal with criticism if you want to get better.

    To add insult to injury, the issue of feedback is only one of the many problems I have had where the teachers and instructors fail to heed my concerns about things that cause my daughter excess hardship in practice; things such as playing the music so loud that she has to cover her ears and cringe during practice and, yet, they still. won’t. turn. it. down.

    My daughter and I talk about the value of hard-work, goal setting, losing as an opportunity to get better and above all, enjoying the process and having fun ALL the time. I have gone to great lengths to show respect for the studio and all the teachers in front of her and use our conversations as a way to model good sportsmanship and coping skills, but secretly, I am fuming and feeling like the studio is utterly incapable of handling a special needs athlete.

    I’m really having trouble finding the balance between mom, coach and dance parent, and worse, I feel singled out, blamed and shamed every time I try to advocate for her. To be fair, I don’t think that is anyone’s intent, they do their best, but that is how it comes across to me.

    So I will continue to hold my arms out, and do my best to balance on the tightrope that is now my life, wavering back and forth between dance mom, coach, and parent of a special needs child.

    Do you have any stories to share about your neuroatypical child and the obstacles you’ve faced? Feel free to share in the comments!