BellaZinga.Blog

Author: Jill Wismer

  • A Product Review of “Raddish: A Cooking Club for Kids”

    A Product Review of “Raddish: A Cooking Club for Kids”

    Product:  Raddish Cooking Club for Kids

    Price: 

    • 24 USD monthly subscription
    • 22 USD monthly for a 6-month subscription
    • 20 USD monthly for a 12-month subscription
    • Free delivery in the US
    • International shipping 7 USD monthly

    Cheapest Place to Buy:  RaddishKids.com

    My Rating:  9/10

    Overview:  I promised myself this year I would lead the homeschool charge from a place of strength when planning our curriculum.  So often, we try to work on the things we see “lacking” in our children instead of focusing on what they can do WELL.

    With this in mind, I wanted to think “outside the box” in terms of the programs and subjects I introduced to my daughter. As many of you know, it isn’t easy to homeschool a child who is differently wired, you are always balancing the need for structure with the need for newness in order to maintain your child’s motivation and get ANYTHING done.

    I’m blessed with a wonderful, curious, and passionate daughter who, aside from being fantastically creative, also has ADHD, anxiety, and giftedness, so our days are always a fantastic (and sometimes frustrating)  blend of challenge and discovery.

    Picky eating often comes with the territory when you have neuroatypical kiddos, and my daughter is certainly no exception.  Nowadays, after adding the appetite-suppressing effects of Concerta into the mix, food intake has become an even larger source of concern in our household.

    This is where Raddish Kids comes in.  I had seen Raddish Kids advertised on Facebook and was interested right from the start.  I don’t cook much anymore as a single mother, I’m simply too busy. Plus, frankly, I have to make a separate meal for my picky eater, so I usually run out of steam when it comes to cooking another meal for myself.

    Having already researched everything I could about picky eaters when my daughter was a toddler, I knew that one of the strategies used to encourage children to try new foods is to have them help prepare the food. The premise is if they prepare it, they will be more likely to try the food and eventually (fingers crossed) eat it.

    So, I decided to take the plunge.  I hesitated because it was yet ANOTHER monthly charge for homeschooling to add to my ever-growing list, but in the end, I bit the bullet and signed up for the 6-month subscription. 

    I gotta tell you, I’m glad I did. So far, we are two shopping trips and two completed dishes in, and I LOVE this program. Keep reading for the best features of Raddish Kids, and check out the video to see what we received in our first delivery here. (Please excuse the amateur production values, I am still learning my way around YouTube)

    Best Feature of Raddish Kids:  There are many wonderful features of Raddish Kids Cooking Club, but the most important one for me is the gift of time.  This program gives me time to spend with my daughter, where we are working together toward a common goal without the stress of timetables or assessments. 

    The times we spend in the kitchen have been incredibly bonding and allow us to make a connection where it doesn’t feel like we are learning (even though we are).  I love how organized the materials are, they arrived with my daughter’s name on the package within a couple of weeks of signing up.

    The materials are educational, each package containing three recipes centered around a certain country (we are currently working our way through Argentina) or a theme (can’t wait to try the Game Day Chile recipe!) 

    I love how Raddish Kids gives you valuable information about the culture and geography of each country you are focusing on each month, and they even go one step further, providing an adorable apron, a specific cooking utensil, and table-talk activities for when you sit down as a family to enjoy your meal.

    This is a well-thought-out program with lots of lessons both inside and outside of the kitchen.

    Pros: The material is very well organized and kid-friendly.  Formatted with cute and easy-to-follow graphics and big fonts, each recipe is written separately on laminated pamphlets that do NOT damage or stain easily. It is a cinch to follow each recipe and create wonderful meals. 

    I particularly like the shopping list they provide for each recipe, which I give my daughter to do each week. (With me, of course, I don’t just drop her off at Walmart and let her run around by herself, although…there are times I’d like to, if I’m being honest:)

    Learning to follow the list, check off each ingredient found, pay and make change (yes, people still know how to do this without technology…gasp) is, in itself, a life lesson.  I also really appreciated how Raddish identifies the cooking skills taught in each lesson and emphasizes cooking tips to remember, such as letting the meat cool after cooking for a few minutes so it retains its juices.

    Cons: You have to pay for this in US dollars, so I’m not a fan of that, PLUS you have to pay an extra $7 monthly for shipping.  With the exchange rate, it’s not a cheap program to have, but it is definitely worth the money.

    Conclusion:  If you are looking for a creative way to incorporate cooking into your homeschool curriculum, or if you just want an amazing way to connect with your kids as you make delicious meals and learn about other cultures, Raddish Kids is the way to go.

    I love the way I connect with my daughter when we cook together, and you will love the way you connect with your kiddo, and isn’t connection what life is all about?

    P.S. You’re probably wondering if my picky child ate the food we made?  So far, that’s a HARD NO, but we had so much fun making these dishes, in my mind, it’s still a WIN. 

    Not to mention me, my mother and father LOVED them.  Plus, I’m not giving up yet, I’ll wear her down eventually, and hopefully, Raddish Kids will help me do it!

    Did you try Raddish Cooking Club for Kids? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and share this review if you liked it!

  • Why We Judge

    Why We Judge

    I’ve been thinking lately about judgment.  What it is, how often we do it, WHY we do it to others, and how it makes us feel when others judge us.  The sad fact is, as a parent to a child with special needs, and in particular a neuro-diverse child where the disability is on the inside and not apparent from the outside, I have experienced more than my fair share of judgment.

    According to the great God Google, judgment is defined as “the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions”.  I find this rather ironic, since more often than not, the conclusions made about single parents, and particularly single parents of children with ANY type of exceptionality contain neither consideration or common sense. 

    Judgment is not necessarily a bad thing.  Let’s face it, we make 1000 judgments a day just to stay alive and maintain a peaceful existence. We judge if we have enough time to make the light safely before it turns red, we judge what food is safe to eat in our refrigerator and what could have spoiled and therefore give us food poisoning, we judge if it is safe to go outside during a thunderstorm, and we judge if it is the right time  to ask our boss for that raise based on her mood that day.

    Thousands of judgments. Every day.

    These types of judgments are necessary for survival and the propagation of the human race, after all, 50,000 years ago, our prehistoric ancestors made the judgment:

    SABRE-TOOTH TIGERS=BAD

    RUNNING AWAY=GOOD

    ……..thus ensuring our existence today. Judgment is necessary for us to navigate the world we’re in and reduce stress.  Hopefully judgments allow us to relate to each other and foster healthy relationships with like minded people.

    Yet, the judgment on my mind is that other kind of judgment.  The malicious kind.  The kind where someone decides that they know better than you, despite knowing nothing about your circumstances, your history, or your challenges.  The type that makes you question yourself and your actions.

    You all know what I mean, because every one of you reading this has been the victim of this kind of judgment.

    I remember when my daughter was three.  She was very musically inclined, so I enrolled her in a musical exploration class in town.  The class was wonderful, mothers and fathers, sitting in a group with their toddlers, singing songs, pantomiming, marching, playing with numerous toys and instruments that had been strewn about.

    The instructor was also lovely, and made a point of asking parents not to interfere or “tell” our children what to do, but to simply model the songs and dances required and allow them to explore and determine what they wanted to do.

    During one exercise the toddlers were expected to sit on our laps as we sat in a circle singing a song.  For one particular part of the song, we were required to help the children jump up and down in front of us.

    The instructor asked for my daughter to demonstrate.  Now, I have always known my daughter had excessive energy, even from birth, she now has an official diagnosis of ADHD, anxiety, plus the possibility of giftedness with, I suspect, some sensory processing issues.  Needless to say, she was a handful, and I was doing the best I could to navigate and guide her behavior to the very best of my ability.

    So, when the instructor in this small musical gathering asked for my child to demonstrate the song and sit on her lap, I was nervous, but I did my best to follow her instructions about not getting too controlling.

    Well, my daughter jumped alright, even when she wasn’t supposed to.  I watched as this poor woman did her best to control my kamikaze munchkin as she pistoned up and down on her legs, alternating between crazy bursts of height and then collapsing and giggling like a rag doll in her arms.  I didn’t know whether to take my daughter from her arms or not; I was of course embarrassed (and slightly bemused) by her behavior. I was a spectator, frozen, wincing at my daughter’s antics, and not knowing what the teacher wanted me to do.  So, I watched, mortified, until the song was done.

    Hurriedly, I rushed in to grab my daughter from the red-faced and obviously frustrated teacher. I quietly mumbled, sorry, she has a LOT of energy. She took a breath, and very loudly, in front of everyone in the group declared. “You have GOT to learn to control her.”

    I sucked in my breath, stunned, holding my daughter and feeling assaulted. Everyone in the room was watching.  I could feel my cheeks getting red. 

    Keeping my cool the best I could, I said, “I control her quite well, thank you very much.”

    I’m sure the look on my face was something to see, because she immediately looked away and continued with the lesson.

    I left that class feeling worthless as a mother.  I had been judged and found wanting, and worse; I had been called out in front of my peers.  Even though intellectually I knew I had done the best I could to monitor and control my daughter’s behavior her entire life, all it took was one comment from someone who knew nothing about my daughter, or our struggles, to make me doubt myself.

    Where does this come from?  Why do we do this to each other?  I know I’ve done it, despite my best efforts. It’s easy to decide something about someone based on YOUR experiences and YOUR knowledge, and hard to actually take a SECOND to put yourself in THEIR shoes. Let’s face it, who has time to ask someone about their life experiences before making a split-second decision about their behavior? We are all guilty of passing judgment.

    According to Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, Ph.D., from Psychology Today, these judgments are termed “attributions” and are basically thoughts we have that help us explain the reason behind others behaviors.

    As we go through our day, we tend to form two different types of attributions:

    Situational Attributions, where we make allowances for a person’s situation as the cause of their behavior. This allows for some fluidity, as a person’s situation can change, and gives us permission to look more favorably on a person or judge them less harshly.

    Personality Attributions, where we see the person’s personality as being the cause of the particular behavior. This tends to be a more fixed attribute, after all personality doesn’t change much does it? (I won’t get into all of the different theories of personality here, it’s been a loooong time since my personality psych class)

    So far so good. 

    This makes sense, right?

    But the article goes on to explain some pitfalls we encounter because of our tendencies to create these attributions.

    It seems that with strangers, we tend to give more weight to their personality being a factor in their behavior rather than the situation they are in. Since a person’s personality is more fixed and less fluid than their situation, this makes for some pretty damning attributions being made about that person.

    Conversely, we tend to give more weight to the situational explanations or attributions for things than personality attributions when we are dealing with the behavior of friends and family.

    So, in plain speak, we tend to give our friends the benefit of the doubt….. strangers…. NOT SO MUCH.

    And from here it gets even worse. When we have already established negative personality attributions or causes for behavior from someone we do not know well, we tend to subconsciously look for further proof to validate our beliefs when we see them again. This is called “confirmation bias“, where we unconsciously look for things that “confirm our existing beliefs.

    Accordingly, we filter out good behavior that would allow us to make positive attributions, and only attend to negative personality attributes for poor behavior, which we see as fixed and unchanging. This then only solidifies our judgement of them and sets us up to only focus on negative or personality attributes in the future.

    And so, the vicious cycle begins.

    In short, we see what we want to see, to hell with the truth.

    This brings me back to two questions, why do we make judgments about others, and why has it been on my mind so much recently?

    • Well, for one, I lost a good friend of mine just recently over her judgment of me and my parenting.
    • That same week an acquaintance of mine on Facebook was brought to tears at a baseball game.  As a single mother, she finally felt her 12 year old was old enough to leave at her ballgame while she went for a run.  Upon return, she was openly and loudly lectured and berated by an official from the team.  Needless to say, she was devastated.

    Both of these cases involved people who made judgments before even attempting to put themselves in our shoes.

    In the case of my close friend, who has a loving husband, a great job, a steady and large income, and gets to be a step-parent with the help of her husband and the other parents they share custody with, she felt she could judge me and my parenting by spending two days with my daughter and I and only slightly understanding the challenges I was facing.

    It all came about after we had too many cocktails our final night together. She made the very generous offer of flying myself and her to Mexico on her dime the following month. I was very thankful and told her so, but I needed to look at our commitments, and figure out when I could find adequate child care for my daughter. In addition, since I’m a contract worker, I have to figure out where I can find other work to balance the time I take off so I don’t lose too much income.

    She couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just leave my daughter with my parents for 5 days, even though they are 75 and my daughter is a handful on the best of days. I calmly asked her if we could talk about it when we were sober, but she then hinted that I should fly my daughter across the country to her fathers house to stay with him. My daughter talks to her father often on the phone, but has not spent more than a weekend with him at any one time, and only once yearly at that, so I thought she would understand why I was hesitant to fly my special needs daughter across the country to stay with him.

    She was having none of my “excuses” as she called them. And it escalated from there. She started spewing venom at me that became more and more hurtful the longer her diatribe against me went on.

    In her eyes, I was a failure, trust me, she made it clear……she actually, flat-out called me a failure.  (I believe she also called me fat, and a waste.)  She asked what had happened to me.  She screamed that everything was about my daughter and my life had gone nowhere.  And she ended it with a drunken “fuck you and fuck your daughter.”

    I kid you not.

    I’m still in shock about the ferocity and aggressiveness of the encounter.  I have another friend as a witness to the whole exchange, and she was also stunned. 

    In the end, my decision was easy.  I have no room in my life for someone who can’t understand what it is like to be the single parent of a special needs’ child.  She can’t understand the decisions I have to make every day, the self-doubt I harbor, or the struggle it is to provide the kind of monitoring, mentoring and advocating you have to provide EVERY.DAMN.DAY to a child that is hypersensitive, anxious, and struggles with focus, self-regulation and executive functioning. 

    I was more concerned about my acquaintance on Facebook, and the unfair treatment she had received at the hands of someone who was supposed to be promoting all the values of youth sport like team-work, understanding, guidance, balance, and patience.  You see, I know this woman, and she is fully invested in her child.  I see how hard she works to provide for her child, and how much she cares.

    Most importantly, as a single mother myself,  I KNOW how hard it is to find the time for self-care. 

    For her to try to look after herself, to FOR ONCE put herself first, and then to have to face the very public tirade of shame she was subjected to is simply unacceptable.

    Moms and dads everywhere.  Let’s make a pact.  Let’s only allow people in our lives that refuse to pass judgement on others. And when we see someone having their darkest day, let’s shine some hope, and attribute their behaviour to difficult circumstances.

    Let’s offer a hand, a shoulder, and some hope, instead of being THAT person who simply puts others down.

    “He that is without sin can cast the first stone.” John 8

    Have you ever been the victim of unfair judgments?  Let me know in the comments section.

    If you like my blogs, please, share with your friends!

  • Sports Parents Get a Bad Rap

    Sports Parents Get a Bad Rap

    Several years ago, I signed my daughter up for the summer soccer league in town.  The price was right, and I thought it would be a good summer activity for her to try to get rid of her boundless energy. I showed up enthusiastically on the designated meet-the-coach day only to wait 30 minutes for anyone to show up at her table.  When he finally did show up, I asked him the usual questions I would normally ask any coach who is working with my daughter like:

    1.  So I assume you have played soccer before ?  (he hadn’t)
    2. How long have you been coaching (not long)
    3. What certifications do you have (minimal)
    4. Do you have a police clearance (he actually WAS a police officer, so at least there was THAT)

    The biggest observation I took away from that day was the disbelief in his voice when I actually asked him these questions.  It was obvious that no other parent had asked him these before. 

    When I got home, I spoke to my brother, who is a high school physical education teacher and who coaches (and plays) multiple sports.  He looked at me like I was crazy for asking the questions I had asked.

    I shouldn’t have been surprised. 

    I have been a figure skating coach for well over 25 years.  I am nationally certified and continue to this day to update my certifications and my coaching toolkit. I have easily worked with thousands of kids in the sport of skating, both recreationally and competitively.  I have run intense training programs and worked within our system my entire life.

    Do you know how many parents have asked me if I have a police clearance?

    Take a guess.

    None.

    What do you think about the number of parents of new students who ask me about my coaching philosophy?

    Yup, you guessed it.

    None.

    This exchange with my daughter’s former soccer coach has been foremost in my mind these past few days because I read a Facebook post from a friend entitled “Why Coaches Hate Over-Involved Parents” by Amy Carney.

    This is a well written article, carefully stating the things that parents should never debate or contact their child’s hockey coach about. Things like playing time, issues with teammates and team strategy are mentioned as basically off limits. The overall theme of the article is to let the coaches coach, the kids play, and the parents stay out of it.  It speaks to the athlete taking accountability for their actions, stepping up to be their own advocates, and proving themselves before expecting to gain playing time or their desired position.

    While I HEARTILY agree we need to make our athletes responsible, accountable and capable of communicating effectively with their coaches, I think that, ESPECIALLY IN THESE TIMES, we have to be more careful than ever with our children. 

    Look:  I have had some humdingers as sports parents.

     I mean, irrational, never-happy, always-criticizing-or-second-guessing-your methods-no-matter-HOW-much-information-you-give-them kind of parents.

    But those parents are the exception, not the rule.  And as I grew into my coaching career, I realized that the more I informed my figure skating parents of my philosophies, the more they were inclined to give me their trust.

    The more I explained the strategies, time tables and reasons behind my tactical decisions for their children, the more they left me alone to coach their children.

    So, as I read this article about how parents shouldn’t email, complain or talk to their players coach about issues, I must respectfully disagree.

    You see, coaches are people too. This means that coaches are subject to the same character flaws, foibles and behaviours that we all have, including bias, prejudice, ego, disorganization and many more not-so-great behaviours.

    Add to this that many coaches in the amateur sports systems are volunteers, and this takes away all accountability.  Don’t get me wrong.  Volunteers are a mainstay for youth sport, and I have the utmost admiration for those that give selflessly of their time for our children.  But there are good and bad volunteers. 

    And just because you volunteer to coach DOES NOT MEAN YOU GET A PASS TO DO A POOR JOB.

    I’m sorry, if my 10 year old child feels that their coach is biased against them, and has done everything in their power to work hard, advocate for themselves, speak up and earn their spot, and I see there is a discrepancy between either their skills and their playing time, or perhaps an unfair allotment of playing time,  why shouldn’t I ask the coach in a polite email to explain their strategy and why they aren’t playing my child?

    If my child feels they aren’t being heard or worse, are being ignored or disrespected, it’s our job as caring adults to help them navigate those tricky waters.

    And as a coach that spends hours sending out information, newsletters, and videos, as well as organizing and sitting in countless meetings with parents and coaching colleagues, shouldn’t that coach have gone the extra distance to share his/her strategy of who she/he is selecting and why?  Shouldn’t that coach have called for a parent meeting with regard to his/her coaching philosophies at the beginning of the year, so all members of the team are on the same page and know what is expected of them? 

    I have an eight-year-old daughter who is in her fourth year of competitive dance at her dance studio.  Dance is her happy place, and she excels at it.  But she has been bullied continuously at school and has developed low self-esteem and continuous anxiety because of the exclusion and ostracism.  She also has ADHD, anxiety, possible sensory processing issues and poor executive functioning, not to mention giftedness, so social cues are difficult for her to read.

    So, you had better believe that if I see behaviour from her dance teachers that runs contrary to creating a positive learning environment, and it happens continuously, I am going to speak up. 

    Because that’s my job as her parent.  To make sure she is safe both physically and mentally at the one place she feels strong and powerful and confident, so she can continue to have a positive learning experience with this one area of her life.

    I can assure you that verbal abuse, emotional abuse and yes, physical and sexual abuse are rampant in our sport system.  As I write this, I can think off-hand of at least two rumors of high level coaches who have slept with their athletes, albeit, when these athletes were of age of consent, but still, the imbalance of power is the issue.

    Coaches are in a complete and absolute position of power over our children, whether on the field, the court or on the ice. So much happens that we as parents don’t see, or can’t hear, or can’t feel because we aren’t on the field of play with our children. 

    But too often, we don’t support our children if they “feel” something is off.

    As a young athlete who experienced emotional abuse and transactional coaching (find out how transactional and transformational coaching differ by reading my book report on InsideOut Coaching) when I was younger, I can assure you, we (young athletes) don’t share everything our coaches say and do because of the power they have over us. 

    Shame and fear convince young athletes that they deserve to be pushed aside, or told they aren’t worthy. And this can and DOES create trauma as they grow older.

    Blindly thinking that we can trust coaches in any sport system without following up and asking questions about strategy, tactics, philosophies, or just asking why they were hard on our child today can lead to this:

    Larry Nassar

    And this (Graham James)

    And this (Bertrand Charest)

    And this (Richard Callaghan)

    Look, no coach likes to be second guessed.  But for the most part, all a parent wants is information and communication.  As a former elite athlete, an experienced competitive coach and a mother of a competitive dancer, I think it is dangerous to suggest that we muzzle communication between coaches and parents.

    Parents can be our biggest allies as coaches.  It is OUR job as coaches to figure out how to communicate effectively with them, set the parameters for expectations for them and what they can expect from us, and create a positive learning environment.

    If a coach has done all these things, then I find the incidence of problematic parent behaviour tends to decrease dramatically.

    So how about we stop giving parents a bad rap?  And maybe do a better job as coaches educating, informing and looking at our own behaviours before we start pointing fingers outward.

    If we work together and make parents feel part of the team, then everyone benefits.

    If you enjoyed this post, do me a favor, share it and follow me!

    Feel free to share your parent or coaching stories in the comments below!

  • Coaching Advice to My Younger Self

    Coaching Advice to My Younger Self

    I have a couple of little skaters competing in a competition this weekend in the Star 1 category.  This is the first time competing for one of them, and the other has only competed once previously.  I always look forward to these competitions with my littlest skaters because they are such a great opportunity to have fun and learn so much about themselves as people and athletes.

    My skaters are ready.  They have been fully prepped on the elements they need to perform.  We have worked extensively on knowing what they need to do to get the highest marks, and we have emphasized the small details like presentation and finesse.

    I’ve sent out emails double checking and verifying schedules with their parents, as well as our competition check list so they have a concrete list they can use to help them organize themselves.

    In short, we are fully prepared to handle just about anything that may or may not happen on the day, and it’s a good feeling to know that all the HARD work is done and now they get to simply go and enjoy their skate.

    As the weekend draws closer, I can’t help but think back to all the other competitions at the many different levels I have attended.  It’s been a rewarding and exciting coaching journey so far, and I hope it continues forever.  As I look back this week, I am realizing how much I have changed as a coach from the mistakes I have made and the experiences I have been lucky enough to share with my students.

    If I could go back in time and give advice to my younger coaching self as she was starting out, here are the things I would tell her.

     The Longer You Coach, the More You Will Realize You Know NOTHING About Coaching

    Our sport is ever evolving and always changing, a statement fully illustrated by the infuriating number of updates we must read and study each year as the never-ending list of amendments filter down to us from the powers that be. Just when you think you have the rules memorized for spin, jump or program requirements for a level, they will change. 

    Get used to it and stop stressing about it.

    Also, there will ALWAYS be new techniques to learn for each skill you teach.  Someone, somewhere will come up with a new exercise, or a new way of packaging an old technique that will be ALL the rage for a few years.  Embrace it, learn it, add it to your coaching tool kit, but do NOT forsake all the old techniques, they are useful too. The more you can pull out of your toolbox when you are in the field, the better you will be able to get results from your athletes.

    There is NO Right Way or Wrong Way to Teach a Skill

    Of course, the basic bio-mechanical principles and the laws of physics will hold true for everything you teach.  What I’m talking about are the coaches that steadfastly teach their jumps (or spins, or field moves, or any other skill) one way, and will not attempt to modify their approach if it isn’t working.  If you have tried for 4-6 weeks (which coincidentally is about the length of time of a small to average macrocycle when you start to periodize your training)  to make progress with a student in a jump, spin or any other element, and it’s not happening, then you had better find another way to teach it, describe it, or show it to that student. 

    I am going to tell an athlete whatever it takes to get results in that skill, no matter how wacky it may sound.  Why?  Well…this is where the next point is important.

     Every Student is Different, and You Must Adapt Your Instruction and Teaching Style Accordingly

    Well, DUH, you are probably thinking.  But this point is SO important it bears repeating often and adamantly.

    No two students are alike and will differ in every possible way: from size, to shape, to muscle fibre type, to learning styles, to aggressiveness, to their stage of development, to how quickly they process information, to how sensitive they may be, to confidence, to anxiety levels, to kinesthetic awareness, to strength to flexibility…..and on…..and on…..and on….

    So why on earth would you teach the same thing in the same way to each student. The answer is, you can, but it won’t get you results from each student. 

    Some students I am loud, vivacious, gregarious and jokey with and they respond to this teaching style. I may teach an axel with an “h” position on the take off simply because when I teach the karate kick or get-on-the-horse method they aren’t bringing the free knee through at all.

    Some students I am serious, firm but kind with and this is the teaching style that works best with them.  And I may teach the axel to these students by telling them not to move their free leg at all because they can’t control the swing or the trajectory of it and that’s the technique that works best for them.

    Others are extremely sensitive, and I must treat ever-so-softly so they are nurtured and supported every step of the way.  And you know what?  I may teach the axel in a completely different way to these students if that is what they require to attain proficiency in the skill.

    It’s your job to adapt to them, not their job to adapt to you.

     Some Students and Parents (and even other coaches) Will Love you, Some Will Hate You, and That’s OK

    You be you.  Keep growing, learning and striving to be the best coach you can be and the best person you can be.  Learn from your mistakes, but don’t beat yourself up about them, just own them and do better next time. Identify and work with the people who you respect and who respect you. 

    As for the rest?  Don’t sweat it, there are enough students out there to keep every coach busy, and frankly, if someone doesn’t like you and see all you have to offer, it’s their loss.

     Change is Part of The Game

    If you are lucky, you will have the honor of guiding some of your skaters for a long period of time. Some  for a decade or more.  But, this is not the norm.  As our sport evolves, skaters change coaches more and more.  This is simply how the learning process works.  Spend the time you have with each of your charges wisely.  Do your best, teach them to the best of your abilities, support them and help them grow as people and wish them well when they move on.  The best feeling in the world is to look back on your time with an athlete and KNOW that you gave them the best you had to give. 

     Set Your Boundaries Early and Be Firm

    From finances, to free time, to discipline on the ice.  It is EASY to be EASY and HARD to be HARD.  Always start out being FIRM.  Set rules for payment, fees, discipline, and expectations early and CLEARLY in your relationships.  Follow these rules and do not allow your parents or your students to take advantage of them.

    Too often you will want to overlook money owed to you, or bad behaviour on the ice because you want to help others, even at your own expense.

    DON’T.

    It is human nature to push boundaries.  Students will act out as much as they can to test their boundaries.  Parents will allow an invoice to go unpaid as often as they can until you impose restrictions on your time or late fees because of it.  An executive will pay you as little as they can get away with because it will help the bottom line for their club IF YOU ALLOW IT. Speak up, set the rules and stick with them.  Trust me, this will save you untold amounts of grief and financial hardship.

     Skating Ain’t Life, Find Other Interests

    You can love skating, you can love coaching, but you had better work hard to find other interests in your life outside of skating.  It is too easy to be caught up in the drama that seems to always go hand in hand with our sport and our profession. 

    But there is so much in this world that is so much more important. 

    Spend time with your friends.  Cherish your family time and guard it zealously. Find your tribe of coaches you trust and when you get together, make sure you talk about things OTHER than skating. Find a balance in your life and work hard to maintain it.  This will keep you a more grounded and happier person and a better coach in the long run.

    These are a few of the things I WISH I had known when I first started coaching all those many years ago.  As my journey continues, I look forward to the new lessons I will learn and the students I will get to meet.

    What advice would you give your younger self about coaching? Share below in the comments!

  • THE CHAIR

    THE CHAIR

    I have a confession.

    I love the Real Housewives franchise, particularly New York and Beverly Hills.  It’s my guilty pleasure.  I know, I know…I can practically hear you judging me as I say it, but trust me, you can’t even come close to how hard I judge myself for it.

    Truthfully, when I get to sit down and watch reality TV,  it’s one of the few times I can stop my brain from having to work so hard.  I can just zone out.  And it makes me feel better about my life because, while these women have seemingly endless amounts of money and perfect lives, the back-stabbing, gossiping, and infighting make any skating club (and, by association, my career) look like a cakewalk.

    This week, one of the characters, named Erika, really took the piss (that’s for my Scottish friend Anne) out of a housewife named Teddy.  Now the stink of it was Erika is ALL about girl power…I mean, she’s freaking girl power on steroids.  Yet she seems to enjoy snarking at Teddy and putting her in her place as often as she can.  I mean, there is really NO sense of her extending any helping hand of friendship, acceptance, OR empowerment to this poor woman.

    The timing of this episode was fortuitous because it coincided with a tug-of-war I have been having internally in relation to one of my past coaching experiences.  Truth be told, I’m not sure what triggered this particular memory, but it has been playing over and over in a recurring loop with no resolution to be found.

    I’d like to share with you an incident that I have yet to reconcile within myself as to whether I was right or wrong; whether I over-reacted or under-reacted, whether I was defending myself or being petty, whether I was calling out someone for trying to take me down a peg or whether I was actually the one who made her feel bad.

    So, dear reader, maybe you can be the judge.

    It all went down like this.

    As most of us know, in any coaches’ room, there is a pecking order.  Or at least, back in my day – when this specific incident occurred – there was.  Every coach usually has a specific spot they sit and place their skate bag, coats, teaching aids, books, purses, etc.  Over time, these specific areas become permanent and were silently acknowledged as that coach’s “spot”.  I have been in some clubs where you would literally be taken to school for sitting in another coach’s chair.

    Back in the mid-2000, I had well over a decade of figure skating coaching under my belt, had started running my own intensive summer program with the help of an incredible team of friends, and had several provincial medallists to boot (see what I did there?).  So, while I wasn’t the best of the best in coaching terms, I had put in my time, paid my dues, made MANY sacrifices, and gained, at the very least, a modicum of experience and credibility.

    I had been coaching at a little club on the outskirts of Calgary for a few years.  I was the relative newcomer, and the first thing I did when I started using the coaches’ room was to make damned sure I did not sit in any other coach’s spot.  I even asked a friend who worked there with me who usually sat where so I could make sure to find a chair that didn’t offend anyone.

    You see, I’m old school.  I believe you show respect to those who went before you. 

    I believe that you should show deference to coaches who have put in the time and sacrifice to get to where they are. 

    Without those successful coaches who have paved the way for us, I firmly believe we would have had a harder time of it. 

    And I also believe, more and more fervently with each passing year in my profession, that it is our job to kick in doors, shatter stereotypes and help empower the next generation of coaches in their journey as they follow our example.

    Now, some of you may say this is outdated thinking.  Some may think that respect should be earned and not given freely.  And to some extent, I agree.  One of the lessons I have learned over time is to withhold my respect and trust until new colleagues earn it, BUT, I want to stress, I still feel it is important to be kind, polite, and respectful whenever and wherever possible.

    So, time passed as I worked at this small club, and eventually, this chair became my spot.  Now, I wasn’t a senior coach in the club, but I felt I worked hard and deserved the same respect as anyone else.

    Around this time, a new coach was hired.  Let’s call her Monica.  Now Monica was a young coach, just starting out. She was very green and very young. But she seemed nice, and since I was only at the club a couple of days a week, I really didn’t have much interaction with her.  The first week with Monica working with us came and went with no problems.

    Then came the day that I arrived at the rink early and was out on the ice before Monica. When I came back in to change my skates, Monica was sitting in my chair.  “Well”, I thought, “no problem”.  So, I picked up my bag (which was next to the chair), my coat (from the back of the chair), and my boots (which were under the chair) and moved to an empty seat.  (Yes, there were empty seats in the room she could have sat in, but she was new, and she was young and just starting out, so I figured she may have been flustered and not remembered that’s where I usually sat).

    As I grabbed my stuff, she seemed confused and said, “oh, I’m sorry, is this your spot?” I quietly responded, “no problem,” and moved.

    In my head, I was thinking, “well, DUH, of course, it’s someone’s spot since all their stuff is on it, in it, or around it, not to mention you’ve seen me sitting here all week,” but I kept quiet and told myself to chill out.

    After this incident, I had a private conversation with one of my coaching friends in the dressing room.  I found it odd that with the empty chairs, Monica had chosen mine, even though my stuff was all over it, and she MUST have seen me sitting in that chair. And my friend told me that on her VERY FIRST DAY when she entered the coaches’ room, Monica had asked my friend(duh-duh-DUUUUUHHHH)…..“WHO SAT WHERE”?

    My friend had gone through who sat in each chair, so Monica already knew who sat where and where the empty seats were.

    This seemed odd to me.  Monica already knew who usually sat in each spot.  There were empty chairs.  But rather than take an empty chair or any of the FOUR other coaches’ chairs who also used that room, Monica chose to target me.

    Of course, because I wanted to be nice, I told myself I was being paranoid.

    I let it go.

    Sure enough, the next week, it happened again…. empty seats in the room, lots of choices of where to sit, aaaannnnnnnddddd sure enough, Monica targets my seat.

    I called her bluff.

    As she looked up at me, she asked, “Oh, I’m sorry, is this your chair?”  I said yes and stood there.  She grabbed her stuff and went to an empty chair.

    I said thanks.

    That night I got an email from Monica.

    She was genuinely hurt.  She expressed herself quite eloquently, explaining in DETAIL how I had embarrassed and devalued her because I had made her move. How I had hurt her feelings. How could I do that to her?

    I read the email a second time.

    I poured myself a very large glass of red wine.

    I re-read the email over and over and over, trying to digest what I was reading and reconcile it with my perception of the situation.

    I had another glass of wine.

    I started about 12 different responses, then deleted each one.

    I finished the bottle.

    I realized that I would never want to be the one to make anyone feel bad about themselves, and I really, truly tried to look at it from her point of view.

    • True, she knew I sat there and chose to single me out twice and make me move. 
    • True, this felt like a calculated move to take me down a peg.
    • True, it felt like she was identifying the competition in the room and trying to neutralize it.
    • True, I was over-analyzing the situation to death.
    • True, I was likely paranoid based on my experiences so far in the figure skating and coaching world.

    I went back and forth in my head, arguing each side of the argument.  Was I being over-dramatic and seeing shadows that weren’t there?  Were my instincts correct, and was this a targeted move on her part?  It is well documented that women are overtly competitive with their peers in their workplaces…. this could be one of those times.

    In the end, I couldn’t dismiss one inescapable fact.

    It was JUST. A. DAMNED. CHAIR.

    So, I wrote her an email.  I apologized if I made her feel bad.  I tried to express the fact that I have always respected older coaches, the battles they have fought, and the experiences they have had, and for this reason, I always tried to not take their places in coaches’ rooms because they had earned the right to those spots.

    In the end, though, I said it was just a chair, and if that was where she felt she needed to sit then I said she could knock herself out, and I would move.

    I even invited her out for a beer, so we could have a good laugh about it.

    Confident that I had diffused the situation, I pressed send.

    The email I got back was no longer sad or hurt.

    SHE. WAS. NOT. HAVING. IT.

    She went UP one side of me and DOWN the other.

    According to her, I was condescending and egotistical, and a few other things I don’t care to repeat. I mean….  how DARE I talk to her like that? Who did I think I was?

    And it went on and on and on.

    I still shake my head when I think about how badly she had misinterpreted the tone of the email and how angry she was.

    I also shake my head at the fact she took absolutely no accountability for her part in ANY of it.

    She was the victim.  I was the aggressor.  In her eyes, it was case closed.

    I had had enough, so I forwarded the entire exchange to the club president.  She sent out an email the next day telling everyone that there were no assigned seats in the coach’s room.

    This, of course, was NOT true.  But the president was a much older lady who, while sweet, was not in the loop when it came to the politics at work within her club.  So, it seemed that every other coach got to keep their chair, and Monica had succeeded in demonstrating her power and co-opting mine.

    Even though I had already conceded the battle, it was clear I had also lost the war.

    Life went on at the club, Monica and I co-existed, I was pleasant, and she was cordial, but it was clear we would NEVER be besties.

    To this day, I still think about that chair.

    I still don’t know if I was right or wrong.  Did I stand up to a woman who saw me as a competitor and was trying to cut me off at the knees?

    Or was I the one disrespecting a new coach and being the antithesis of everything I had hoped to stand for?

    I’ll let you be the judge on this one. 

    Have you ever felt a colleague was trying to stealthily take you down a peg?  Share your experiences in the comments.

  • TO SPEAK UP OR NOT SPEAK UP-That is the Question

    TO SPEAK UP OR NOT SPEAK UP-That is the Question

    Authors note: I wrote this piece in January 2017 after the controversy surrounding the judging of the women’s event at the 2017-2018 US National Figure Skating Championships. In light of Ashley Wagner’s bravery for coming forward with her allegations of sexual abuse, I thought it only appropriate to re-post.

    At the time, I had planned on posting another article in my “Skating Club” series, however, two events had occurred the previous weekend and I course corrected.

    Read on.

    The first, was the women’s event at the US National Figure Skating Championships.  The event was spectacular, and I watched from Starr Andrews’ unbelievable performance through to the last skater, (and gold medalist), Bradie Tennell. From one skater to the next, the momentum kept building, and the ladies did not disappoint.  Ashley Wagner skated loose, and free and with passion; her LaLaLand program was a true thing of beauty and nuance.  Then came Karen Chen, Mirai Nagasu and lastly Bradie.  Each was equally exquisite in their own way, and when the smoke had cleared Ashley Wagner was left off the podium.

    The stink of it was; Ashley Wagner made no secret that she was unhappy with her marks. (surprise, surprise) From the moment she flashed the stink eye in incredulity while viewing her final total in the kiss and cry, to her statement about being “furious” that Tenell was marked higher than her in the components scores, there was NO confusion as to her thoughts on her placement.

    As a national level coach, I spend a large portion of my time teaching my skaters how to not only win with dignity, but also lose gracefully.  We spend hours framing loss as an opportunity for growth, and talking about how to purport ourselves when in the public eye.  True sadness at a loss is understandable and honest, but attacking other skaters and judges, in my humble opinion, seems like sour grapes and the mark of being a sore loser. Or at least, I have always thought so.

    After seeing this behaviour from Ashley Wagner Friday night, and reading more and more quotes on twitter and in the newsfeed Saturday, I was very mixed in my response to her behaviour.

    On the one hand, as a former skater, and now a coach who has been lucky enough to work with competitive athletes, I understand first hand the absolute sacrifice required to make it to the level we see nationally and internationally.  It’s not just a few sleepovers and school dances these skaters give up to get to where they are; they give up their very identity.

    From the time they are too young to write most of them are getting up early and spending hours at the cold rink, falling over and over again, showing courage and fortitude we don’t see in most adults.  As they train, they put up with club politics, coaching changes, constant criticism and financial hardships, often leaving their home and giving up other things most children take for granted because those extra dollars can help to pay for skating.  These kids (and remember, they are kids) have a level of dedication and commitment seen in very few.

    So, when years and years and years of sacrifice, training and sweat end up in a fourth-place finish there is no greater sting.  Fourth place is the worst place to finish; “sooooo close, but not quite good enough” it seems to tell you, as you sit and watch the other three skaters receive their medals.

    I empathize and understand Ashley Wagner’s outburst.  Still, I thought, by speaking out, I had to wonder if it tarnished the moment for the other three skaters, who had sacrificed just as much, and had simply skated better. Surely, they too deserved their moment, free of controversy and dissension. (for the record, I believe that Chen, Nagasu and Tennell beat Wagner fair and square and absolutely deserve their marks and their placement)

    Then I watched the Golden Globes on Sunday night. 

    I have long believed that there is a war on women. It has been waged on us since time immemorial; from the Salem Witch Trials, to the Suffragette Movement, to the #MeToo Rebellion.  I have my own experiences of sexual assault, harassment and discrimination as a young woman in high school, university and in the coaching world to draw from to back up this claim.  But my experiences pale in comparison to the plight of women in countries like Saudi Arabia, who to this day suffer unimaginable human rights violations, simply because of their gender.

    I can not tell you the strength, comfort and hope the MeToo and TimesUp initiative have given me.  Just listening to real women and activists come forward with their stories, sharing what has happened to them, how they felt, and HOW THEY WERE SILENCED elicits the most liberating and empowering feelings.  To know that I’m not alone, that people are ready to hear. 

    That CHANGE is possible.

    And the recurring theme at those Golden Globes on Sunday night? 

    Speaking your truth. 

    SPEAKING UP. 

    Shedding those bonds of silence we are conditioned with as young girls; NOT to tattle, NOT to be loud, or obnoxious, and for God’s sake, don’t make waves!

    So how can I find fault with Ashley Wagner for speaking up for herself when she felt an injustice had occurred?  Rightly or wrongly, she became her own advocate.  Ashley Wagner used her voice, and she used it loudly and proudly.  As is her RIGHT.  Whether or not you or I or anyone else agrees with it.

    Perhaps if more of us spoke up without fear, change would happen faster, and those of us with a uterus wouldn’t have to work twice as hard to earn approximately only two thirds of what a man does for doing the same job. Perhaps if I had spoken up sooner I would be making what I’m worth in my coaching job instead of still living on the brink of poverty.

    Perhaps if we spoke up the next man who feels he is entitled to grab our breast in a crowded bar will think again.

    Perhaps.

    Either way, even though I may not agree with her, I support Ashley Wagner in using her voice to protest.  We should all follow her example, to hell with the consequences.

    When is the last time you spoke up? Share your stories in the comments!