Overview: As arguably one of the worst morning people in the world, I used to dread getting up to coach on morning ice. (Spoiler alert: I’m a figure skating coach.) Maybelline Dream Fresh BB Cream was my go-to product every morning to simplify the process. As simple as 1-2-3, I cleansed, applied the BB Cream with my fingers over my entire face, and was out the door, ready for the morning. This cream not only corrects and hydrates, it also brightens and enhances your skin tone. I find, particularly for the cold environments we encounter for hours at the rink, this cream really does the job of a moisturizer and foundation in one, providing a natural, minimal make-up look. Creamy and smooth, this beauty balm glides on gently, blurring imperfections and blending with your skin tone beautifully.
Best Feature: As a more mature woman (cough, cough), I’ve tried every product under the sun to cover up my under-eye wrinkles and bags. This product is by far the best because it hydrates my under-eye area as it camouflages, taking years off my face every time I use it. The cream is build-able, so if you need more coverage, you simply apply another layer for an even more perfected look.
Pros: This cream is simply the best on the market I have tried in terms of covering all the bases. It feels like several products in one: a moisturizer, a corrector, an illuminator and a foundation. I find my skin looks softer and more hydrated after I have used this product; I love the smell, look and feel of it, and I really like the easy-to-squeeze tube it comes in which makes for quick and easy applications. I also like the dewy finish it leaves on my skin, which makes my skin look plumper and younger. Made with soy extract, a powerful natural antioxidant, I found my skin tone to be more even, and my wrinkles diminished over time.
Cons: There are only five colors/tones to this
Cream: Light, Light/Medium, Medium,
Medium/Deep and Deep, however, I usually use medium but blend with a dot of
Medium/Deep over the summer when I have a slight tan. Also, while there is a version of the product
made with an SPF included, it has yet to be made available in my area of Canada…..so
boooooo Maybelline for that!
Conclusion: Maybelline Dream Fresh BB Cream is simply a no-brainer for anyone looking for a quick, effortless and affordable skin care regime. It packs so much punch in a little tube it really makes life easier for us on-the-go coaches looking for the complete package with our skin care products.
It’s not an understatement to say that the ability to give positive, timely and helpful feedback in the right manner at the right time can be a game changer for young athletes and differentiates the good coaches from the best coaches. As a coach with thirty years experience, I can safely say that I am always upping my “feedback game”, constantly assessing how I give feedback to my students, and adding to my “toolbox” so I can be the best I can be and offer them the best instruction and motivation possible.
Feedback in coaching is also called “Knowledge of Performance” or KP and is the term used for communicating technical information about the performance of a skill in order to help the athlete progress and improve in said skill or sport. It’s important to note that feedback works best when you are giving information about the “execution of the skill itself” and NOT the results of the performance, which is termed Knowledge of Results or KR. Knowledge of Results deals with such things as a skaters grade of execution on a jump, their overall placement in a competition, or a swimmer’s time in a race.
Why is it important that we give feedback on an athlete’s performance you ask? Well, because that is the thing that an athlete CAN CONTROL. We can’t change the points we receive from a judge for a particular jump, but we CAN work hard on the take-off of a jump so that we improve the overall jump performance, which would then increase the points we receive by default.
Feedback isn’t a one size fits all, and it’s important to remember that you have to adjust your approach to fit the learning style and personality of each individual student you work with. Over the years, I’ve found that there are a few “tried-and-true” feedback principles that have served me well as I strove to give my athletes the best I had to give.
Below is my list of the most basic principles of feedback that I’ve found to work over my coaching career. Now, I love a good psychological abstract as much as the next gal, (sarcasm intended) but for the purpose of keeping this readable and easily applicable in the field for new coaches, I will endeavor to keep these principles short and to the point.
Disclaimer: Before going any further, you should know that I have made every single mistake possible in terms of when, where and how to give feedback, and I am still a work in process. I use these particular principles because I have made countless mistakes and missteps in the feedback department and those mistakes helped me to learn what works and what doesn’t.
Addendum to disclaimer: All of these principles apply when coaching neurotypical athletes and children. Over the years I have worked closely with athletes with conditions such as ADHD, anxiety, and learning disabilities, not to mention, now I am the parent of a seven year old daughter with all of these challenges. How we give feedback to these athletes needs to be VERY different than how we work with neurotypical athletes, and I will address that in my next blog.
FEEDBACK MUST BE POSITIVE. Well……duh! Most of you experienced coaches reading this are saying this in your head, and I know it’s pretty basic, but it needs to be repeated. I can’t stress enough the importance of keeping feedback as positive as humanly possible. So, how exactly do you keep it positive? Well, I like to think in terms of ratios of positive to negative comments. And this is where it gets tricky and depends on the personality of each athlete. I’ll show you what I mean.
If an athlete is supremely self-confident and task oriented, they respond best to one piece of positive praise to one piece of technical critique or correction. When I get athletes like this I always like to use what I call the Reverse But….. (no, this isn’t J-Lo walking backwards). It’s a well known fact that when you use the word “but” in a sentence, you are sending the listener the message that everything before the word “but” wasn’t important, but everything after is what you really think or feel. (Thanks to Dr. Phil for clarifying that in his many episodes…..he’s a font of great information…don’t get me started on his two-sides to a flapjack analogy.) So, when I have an athlete or child that responds best to the 1:1 positive/negative ratio of feedback I ALWAYS put the negative first, and I use the word “but” before the positive. So it might sound like this:
“I know that the take off of the flying camel got a little out of control because you weren’t balanced over they entry edge, but you recovered very nicely, finished the fly AND got your revs in, so good for you!”
This works like a charm, I acknowledge the mistake, therefore being honest about what we need to work on and maintaining my credibility with the athlete, but in using the word but, (see what I did there) I am subconsciously cuing them to focus on the final, positive part of my feedback.
If an athlete needs a little more self-esteem building, but is still fairly self-confident, then I use the 2:1 positive to negative feedback ratio. I like to use the “sandwich” or “hamburger” strategy, where you sandwich a patty of correction between two yummy buns of positivity. (As I write this I’m thinking it sounds a little too suggestive for a blog about young athletes, but at least it will stick with you). An example of this would be to say something like, “wow Sally, you gave such a wonderful effort out there, I was really impressed! I think you got a little confused on the transition steps into your double flip, which slowed you down on the entry, but that’s an easy fix, and once we work on it a little more, your flip will be fantastic. Good for you! (Notice my use of the Reverse But there too…..you’re never going to look at J-Lo the same way again….sorry, not sorry;)
If you have an athlete that needs a lot of building up, than you must increase the number of positives to every negative until you find the magic number that works for them. How do you know it’s working? Well, watch their face as you give them corrections for one, and see if they take the feedback to heart and apply it for the other. I used to have a skater that was the shyest, most sensitive little girl I have ever worked with. I LITERALLY had to give her 10 nuggets of praise for every one technical critique, and then had to follow up with at least 3 other positives. I kid you not, if I didn’t she would cry, and it got worse as she approached her teen years and closer to puberty…(damn hormones).
So to summarize the point I am making about positivity, if you want to get the most out of your athletes, and make their (and your) experience the best it can possibly be, then take the time to figure out that their magic ratio when giving feedback.
FEEDBACK MUST BE HONEST. Seriously. Kids are the best bullshit lie detectors. EVER. Look, as much as you hurt for them when they have a less than stellar performance, and you want to pump them up, your feedback MUST be sincere. If you just try to blow smoke to make them feel better, your athlete will figure it out, and you willlose credibility in their eyes.
I’ll say it again. If you are less than honest with your athletes they will know, and they will trust you less.
That doesn’t mean you have to be mean. Just be honest. If they had a bad day, acknowledge that it was a bad day. But remind them that tomorrow is another day, and make them revisit all of the technical things they CAN do well so they feel confident enough to rebound and re-group to fight again.
PRAISE IN PUBLIC, PUNISH IN PRIVATE. (clarification: I’m using the term punishment to talk about giving corrections and feedback about performance, not actual physical punishment) I’ve seen it too many times to count, and done it more than I wish to remember. How many times have you watched a group of athletes performing a routine, or a skill, or a drill, and shouted out corrections to individuals as they are performing, in front of everyone who could hear you, their peers, their parents, and anyone watching the practice.
How do you think it makes an athlete feel to get called out like that in front of everyone? How would you feel? Centering out athletes for criticism in front of their peers is humiliating for the athlete, no matter how you deliver the critique. Instead, shout out praise to individual members of the group for the skills they ARE DOING WELL. Then, AFTER the skill, drill or performance, pull each team member aside and give them some constructive feedback individually. This becomes especially important when dealing with neuroatypical athletes. More on that in my next blog.
THE WHEN IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE HOW. How many times have you seen a coach yell out corrections or feedback AS their athletes are performing a skill. I do it. We all do it. Years ago, when Madonna was still socially relevant, coaches of a certain age (cough, cough) were taught that feedback should be immediate….in fact, if my aging memory is correct, I remember more than one coaching course in the 80’s touting the benefits of providing feedback within 3-4 seconds of skill acquisition. You know who instantaneous feedback benefits? You….the coach. That’s who. It makes us feel better, it makes us feel in control, and it makes us feel like we are doing something to help.
In reality, our athletes are busy processing all of the information and signals necessary to form the motor neurons necessary for that skill. Nine times out of ten, they DON’T EVEN HEAR our cues or corrections.
Think of it this way. Our bodies are supercomputers. When we want to perform a skill, we have to build the circuitry and the program required to execute that skill. If your computer has frozen, repeatedly yelling “Download now! Download now!” at it is NOT. GOING. TO. HELP. Why? Because it is still processing.
Let your athletes process in peace.
Look, I’d like to believe that when I yell out cues to my students as they are practicing a skill that it helps, and it may help in the short term, but let’s be honest……most of the time it just makes me feel more in control of the situation, and helps me channel my thoughts and nerves, especially when they are performing at a competition and it is now totally out of my control and in their hands.
I have found it is best to wait until a skill has been performed and the skater has had time to process their internal feelings and reactions to the attempt. I will ask them “how did that feel?” and I will even go so far as asking them if they had to rate that performance out of ten where they would rate it. Next, I ask my athletes if they felt there was anything they would like to fix or adjust to make it better. Only after that “de-brief” do I weigh in with my feedback, which I keep short and to the point.
WATCH YOUR BODY LANGUAGE AND FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. There’s a line in a movie called the “Upside of Anger” that sometimes reminds me of myself and my coaching style. It goes something like this: “You would try the patience of a saint, and I’m not a patient mother@#$%er.” I am one of those coaches that expects their students to be mindful. I expect them to give me 150% in our lessons, AND I also expect them to incorporate the feedback and training plans I give them into their everyday practice.
Combine that with aVERY expressive face and a very cartoon like teaching style……weeeeelllll….let’s just say when I’ve told a student for the 10,000th time to try a specific correction and they still don’t incorporate it….I feel FRUSTRATED. And my face and body can show it! It’s my coaching Achilles Heel.
You know what. It’s okay to feel frustrated. It means that, as a coach, you care. I’ll take a coach that cares too much over one that is apathetic ANY DAY,BUT I have to be careful to not show that frustration on my face, or in my body stance or posture. Kids pick up on our facial expressions, and they can tell when we are frustrated or angry with them. No matter WHAT you are feeling on the inside, present a calm exterior. No athlete wants to feel like they have angered or disappointed their coach, it affects their self-esteem, and their motivation to take risks in the future.
FOLLOW UP. Too often, coaches give feedback or corrections to skaters, then they leave it there, expecting their skaters to incorporate it as if by magic. Remember, the younger your athlete is, the more they will need your help incorporating that feedback into their training. Give your athlete suggestions about how to apply your advice, and then FOLLOW UP with them as many times as necessary to see if they are adhering to the plan. So, it might look something like this:
“Susan! Wow, I was really impressed with the height of that salchow, AND you fully rotated it, so great job! There was a little loss of flow on the landing because you weren’t in a strong air position, and I think it is because you let your free side get out of control on the take off. What do you think about tweaking your practice plan this week to add some one foot salchow/salchow exercises to help control that? Do you think you could do that, then show me your practice plan with what days and how many times you can work on that? I know that when you spend a little time tweaking it, you’ll be more balanced on take off, and have a better air position, which will allow for more flow on the landing.”
Once I have made the skater accountable for their progress, I then make a plan to check on how they want to incorporate it. I will also CHECK through-out the week to see if they have been following their plan.
As you can see, there are many things to consider when you give feedback to your athletes, and I hope that some of my tips can help you in your coaching practice. There are so many great articles out there that can help you brush up on your feedback game, check out this one from the Coaching Association of Canada.
In my next blog, I’ll talk about how important it is to adjust your “feedback game” when working with neuroatypical athletes. From my personal experience and observations, too many coaches are unaware of how conditions such as ADHD, Learning Disabilities and Anxiety affect athletes, and how they as coaches need to change their coaching style to make modifications and accommodations for them. What’s even worse, as a parent, I’ve seen too many coaches who are unwilling to even educate themselves about what these differences are and how they can best help.
What about you? What are your best tips on giving feedback from your own experience?
Years ago, when I was young and nubile and oh-so-ignorant, I remember having a conversation with my mother during one of my visits.
We were
discussing an acquaintance of hers that had been ill with this new, “phantom”
disease called fibromyalgia. According to my mother, this friend had been
battling sore joints and constant pain, and had not been able to find any physical
cause for her discomfort.
And I, in ALL my self-righteous glory, and clearly still brainwashed with the put-up-or-shut-up training mentality beaten into me from my years of training as a figure skater in the seventies and eighties, said with a side eye and more than just a little sarcasm;
“Sounds like
it’s all in her head.”
I still cringe when I remember that conversation.
Cut to more
than 20 years later, and my life has been irrevocably altered from
fibromyalgia. I wonder if it’s the
fates’ way of teaching me a lesson in empathy, or just dumb luck.
Either way,
it’s no picnic.
So, you may ask……
What exactly is fibromyalgia?
Short answer:
Fibromyalgia is PAIN.
EVERYWHERE.
Now, for the long answer, I’ll put on my “scholarly cap” and quote the Mayo Clinic definition of fibromyalgia for those of you who like more scientific jargon.
According to the Mayo Clinic website, “ Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain processes pain signals.” (Aug.11,2016)
The key symptoms I have encountered with my fibro are:
Chronic pain and stiffness in my joints, particularly in the morning. I’m not talking just a little bit of stiffness. I’m talking put-on-a-suit-of-armor-and-try-to-walk-down-the-stairs stiffness.
Chronic muscle aches, and, just like my joint pain, this can be ANYWHERE. Sometimes my fibro attacks my hips, sometimes my hands, fingers and ankles, sometimes my neck and spine….it’s always a new and exciting surprise to see where my fibro will attack each day.
Fatigue through out the day. The pep talks I have to give myself to get vertical each morning are getting longer and more ridiculous as the months go by.
The inability to get a restful nights sleep. There is nothing worse than sleeping for 8 hours and waking up feeling even less rested than you were the night before. Often, my body feels like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck.
Fibro flare ups that can last anywhere from 4 days to 4 months. When I overdo it, I pay for it. The worst flare I ever had lasted 4 months. You know the pain you feel when you’ve had a really hard work out? Now take that, multiply it times ten, and make it last for 120 days without any relief.
Yup, that’s a fibro flare up.
Good times.
Incredible tenderness to the touch in some not-so-convenient areas. My hips often become so tender to the touch I can’t sleep on my side for more than 5 minutes before the pain and pressure becomes too intense. And DON’T GET ME STARTED on how it feels to wear a bra when you are a fibro sufferer!
Fibro fog. Basically, you are so freaking tired that even linking one thought to the next can be difficult. Say bye-bye to executive function and hello to a non-existent short-term memory. To be fair, I’ve had two concussions in the past five years, so some of those deficits are also linked to these events. (Yay for me!)
The “experts” will tell you that fibromyalgia is simply your body’s pain signals gone awry. When a house is on fire, a siren sounds so the firemen can come out to extinguish the flames. When your body is in trouble, your nervous system sounds the “pain” siren to let you know there is a problem.
Fibromyalgia is your brain thinking there is a four-alarm fire and ringing the alarm, even though nothing is wrong.
Why does your body do this? Well, there are many possible theories, though nothing has been proven beyond a reasonable doubt. There are definitely pre-cursors that seem to be linked to the onset of fibromyalgia, disease or trauma being the most prevalent.
For myself, in the five years before I developed fibro I experienced, in chronological order:
Infertility
Divorce
A high risk pregnancy with morning sickness so severe I had to be hospitalized.
A head injury from falling on the ice when I was 5 months pregnant.
A move across country when I was 6 months pregnant.
A difficult birth and raising a special needs child (as a single mother) who never slept for the first 2 years of her life.
A second head injury from a fall on the ice.
Even with all of these pre-cursors to fibromyalgia in my medical history, when I brought up my symptoms to my doctor and REPEATEDLY told her something was wrong, it was very evident she did not believe me. Sadly, many doctors still do not believe in fibromyalgia to this day, which causes so much pain and suffering for those who suffer and go without the support they need.
For a more in-depth synopsis of the causes and symptoms of fibro, check out WebMD.
So, is there a cure? No. Some anti-depressants and anti-seizure medications are prescribed because, for some reason they tend to decrease the pain and fatigue in fibro patients. I’ve tried two of them, and both times, the side effects outweighed the benefits to the point I simply couldn’t continue.
And don’t get me started on the withdrawal from these meds.
WORST I have EVER felt physically.
Honestly, when I’m not in a flare up, life is not bad. I’m a little more tired than I used to be, and I have never slept well in my entire life, so I don’t know any differently.
But, here’s the kicker, you live in constant fear of provoking a flare.
If I do too much, if I stay on my feet too long, if I exercise the wrong way (anaerobic exercise is a no-no now) I pay for it.
And pay.
And pay.
And no one knows or believes you are suffering, because you still look the same. I might walk slower when I have fibro, but here is no outward sign of the disease, and that’s the stink of it all.
So for me, fibro is my new F word. It rules how I live my life, and dictates what I can do, and for how long I can do it.
A skating club executive sets the tone for the rest of its membership; how the people on the executive treat each other, the skaters, the coaches and the parents who participate in their club determines the climate and culture for the entire organization.
I have noticed over my years teaching in many different clubs there are certain things that successful club executives have in common.
After compiling a list, I’ve whittled it down to ten important traits for any skating club executive to create, grow a and nurture a positive and successful culture.
They Listen
Successful club executives listen to their membership. Even if they don’t agree with everything they hear, they are always ready to listen, understand and empathize. To know that your opinion is respected and valued by those at the highest level of any organization is a powerful thing. It fosters good will from all members and encourages them to have more ownership in the direction and success of that organization.
They Know They Don’t Know Everything
Successful club executives realize they don’t know everything about figure skating, and that’s okay. A healthy Board of Directors is always willing to learn new things and grow in new directions, and they aren’t afraid to ask for help and advice, particularly utilizing the extensive knowledge found within their coaching staff. If the people at the top levels of the organization have a growth mindset, this will filter down to all levels of membership. Check out more about Mindset by reading my book review here.
They Don’t Lose Sight of the Forest for the
Trees
A successful club executive realizes that
sometimes the spirit of the law is more important than the letter of the
law. Sometimes, blind adherence to rules
and regulations that restrict an athletes’ ability to gain the ice time they
need or participate in the programs necessary to progress can be detrimental to
skaters, coaches and the health and longevity of the club in general. The bigger picture must always be taken into
consideration.
They Defer to the Coaches in All Things
Skating
Would you go to your child’s school and sit
in on the teacher’s class, critiquing the curriculum and their teaching
methods? A strong executive doesn’t
micromanage their coaching staff. They
allow them to develop and implement the programs as they see fit, and they
support them along the way. When coaches
feel valued and appreciated, their loyalty, commitment, and job appreciation
grows exponentially.
They Do their Jobs Well
If a skating club is to be run well, those
at the executive level must know the roles and responsibilities of their
positions and execute those duties efficiently.
This means attending meetings regularly, and educating themselves in the
role they have been elected for. When everyone knows what they are supposed to
do, a club runs at maximum efficiency.
They Communicate Regularly and Effectively
A strong youth organization will spare no
expense to communicate to its members in a timely, organized and knowledgeable
fashion. When people have the
information they need, before they even realize they need it, they trust that
their needs are being met and are more likely to stick with that
organization. Knowledge of procedures,
registration dates, session regulations, etc. creates a feeling of security and
control and makes for a club that runs like a well-oiled machine.
They Acknowledge and Reward Good Work
There’s nothing worse than feeing like you
are not seen, heard or valued for your efforts and contributions. Those clubs that recognize initiative,
creativity, dedication, hard work and loyalty create a workplace for coaches
and a training environment for athletes that is dynamic, supportive and
positive. This positivity and support encourages people to continue stepping
outside of the box, creating new programs and initiatives that further the
sport. In short, positivity breeds
positivity, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy in any organization.
They
Always Look at the “Big Picture”
Call it vision, call it a mission
statement, but whatever you call it, it
matters. A successful board of
directors of any skating club will spend some time on creating a shared vision
for it’s members, and they revisit this vision on a regular basis, making sure
to communicate this mandate to their membership often and consistently. Every decision must then be compared with the
goals and philosophy of the club’s vision, and every decision must benefit as
many people as possible. It sounds like
a simple thing, but having a shared vision is vital to the longevity, growth
and success of every single skating club or youth organization.
They
Lead by Example
There are two types of people in this world;
those who talk the talk, and those who walk the walk. If you want to create a club where everyone
treats people with honour, integrity and respect, then you had better lead by
example and treat your membership this way.
As coaches, we are always aware that we must model the behaviour we
would like to see from our students; club executives need to do the same. If you lead with kindness, integrity and
inclusiveness, these values will trickle down to every part of the club
structure.
They are Transparent
Nothing good ever grows in the dark. (except maybe, mushrooms, I LOVE mushrooms,
especially in a great white wine and garlic sauce…but I digress) The Executive
of ANY youth organization needs to be absolutely and utterly transparent in
every part of it’s process. Reasons for
decisions made need to be made public, along with milestones achieved, money
spent, and any other topic or issue that affects the membership in any
way. It’s simply good business.
As simple as these ten characteristics sound, it is rare to find a skating club that incorporates them on a regular basis. Those that do stand out. Those that don’t fail to thrive, often cycling through coaching staff and losing skaters on a regular basis. It would be beneficial of every new club executive to thoroughly educate themselves on the sport AND these attributes if they want to provide an optimum climate for athletes to enjoy their skating journeys.
Do you have any other characteristics you’ve found that make for a supportive and growth minded skating club? Share in the comments below!
Overview: Anyone who has ever grown up inside the belly of organized sport can attest to the many valuable lessons taught daily to those who participate. Sports, both competitive and recreational, can impact young bodies and minds in ways that are immeasurable.
However, sport also provides an arena where harm can and often is meted out to those who play by those who often have the greatest influence on them: their coaches.
Joe Ehrmann dissects the good, the bad and the ugly in organized
sports specifically in the field of coaching. Through sharing his own
experiences in life and in sport, Ehrmann achingly details how young and
fragile youth can be further victimized by well meaning but unwitting coaches;
coaches who are trying to work out their own issues but instead end up
projecting these issues on players.
Thought provoking and often disturbing, (warning; there may
be triggers for sexual assault victims in reading this book), the author
courageously illustrates how certain pivotal and traumatic life events created
a foundation of vulnerability and sadness, which left him open to be influenced
for the greater good, or, unfortunately, greater harm by his coaches.
Joe Ehrmann leaves no stone unturned as he navigates the
complicated waters of inter-relationships in sport. Between outdated stereotypes of masculine and
feminine roles, win-at-all costs sport culture, the stresses of the times we
live in, familial dysfunction, and lack of values-based coaching, he paints a
comprehensive picture of the problems young athletes face today and what
coaches can do to help them successfully chart their own course.
Starting with each coach turning their reflection inward by
focusing on their own personal demons, and finishing with a complete road map
for how to create your own InSideOut Coaching culture, this book shines a light
on every nook and cranny of the coaching world.
Best Feature of the
Book: The author writes this book in
a very organized step-by-step way, first detailing the turning point in his
life that started him on the “InSideOut” journey, next breaking down the
positive and negative interactions and revelations into thoughtful and easy to
understand categories within the sport continuum, and finally, detailing the
steps he took to re-create the sport model with his newfound knowledge. This
provides a very easy to follow narrative with a clear road map to incorporating
the ideas he presents.
Pros: There are very few books that deal
specifically with the coach-athlete interaction and the profound affect it can
have on young people. Ehrmann takes his
wealth of experience and helps each of us see (either through the lens of the athlete
or the lens of the coach) our own strengths and weaknesses. Ehrmann then helps us clarify what we need to
fix, and gently leads us to our own conclusions about the steps we can take to
be better, simply by setting the example for us to follow.
Cons: While I enjoyed Ehrmann’s writing style, I
found sometimes he spent too long on topics, often to the point of
redundancy. There were times where I as
a reader had received the message and was ready to move on to the next chapter,
and he was still fleshing out the point at hand with more examples. However, this is more likely attributed to my
get-it-done attitude than anything else and certainly did nothing to take away
from the overall message.
The other con I found while reading this book is it will
trigger some negative memories. As a
victim of abuse, both inside and outside of sport, and more specifically, as
someone damaged by transactional coaching, reading this book did bring back
some of the old fear, anxiety, guilt and sadness related to those memories.
However, just knowing that I wasn’t the only one that had these experiences was
enough to help me get through them with some valuable insight and
understanding.
Conclusion: If you want to be a better coach, for
yourself, and for all the young men and women you can and will influence over
the course of your career, you need to read this book.
I always knew my daughter was different, right from the womb. Not better or worse, just different. People tried to normalize her activity level, her issues with socialization, and her fears as “all kids have fears” but I knew she was different right from the get go.
So now that we have a formal diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety, I am in the process of deciding whether to medicate for the ADHD symptoms, which is a dilemma in itself. ( I am convinced she is also gifted, and there may be other learning issues, but as we don’t have benefits there is no way I can afford a psycho-educational assessment right now.)
I am a single parent. I work three jobs and home school my daughter because attending normal school became untenable….she suffered bullying and difficulties through out her first three years into grade 1, so much so that her physical symptoms of school avoidance, tummy aches, nightmares, outbursts, and constipation were dominating our lives.
WHEN YOUR 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER STARTS TO TALK ABOUT KILLING HERSELF BECAUSE SHE WILL NEVER HAVE FRIENDS AT SCHOOL, YOUR HEART SHATTERS.
But, I did my best to manage the symptoms of anxiety, because through junior and senior kindergarten, she was described as a “rock star” by her teachers, so I saw that there was value from her attending school.
I should have known not to get complacent.
Within a month of starting grade 1, my amazingly brilliant child who I couldn’t keep up with at home in regards to her curiosity and thirst for knowledge was suddenly behind in everything when the education style moved from learner driven to curriculum driven in grade 1. Suddenly, over the course of one summer, she went from being a “rock star” to being behind in every subject.
It’s been a bumpy, ride, and I couldn’t love my daughter more. She is brilliant, and funny, and a true performer, and a caring and sweet little girl.
But, she is exhausting. And I feel guilty for feeling exhausted by her…it’s a never ending cycle…lol. ( I laugh because if I cry I will never stop, and laughing is better)
Today, I’d like to talk about my current dilemma in our neuroatypical saga.
Photo by Skitterphoto from Pexels
My daughter is a competitive dancer, and here’s my concern. We have been been four years at the same dance studio. She has been competing on the performance group for 3 of those years. She has been a performer from birth and she shines when she is in the spotlight.
I have also found that she does better socializing in her dance group because they are all there for a common goal and they have constant direction in their lessons, so it is easier for her to read social cues and navigate the landscape.
Not to mention the outlet for her creativity and energy is a godsend.
But there are issues. My daughter is hypersensitive, and always has been. Things that would not bother other kids will bring her to tears and she will fixate on them for weeks.
Several of her instructors give feedback in ways that I do not deem appropriate.
Now, a little background on me. I am a national level figure skating coach with a degree in Kinesiology. I have been coaching for 30 years and my life’s work has been all about learning how to teach young students, and how to give feedback. I have lost count of the papers I have written and the other coaches I have mentored in terms of helping them learn how to coach young athletes, and I myself never stop learning and trying to better myself and how I teach my skaters.
So I know what I am talking about when I see feedback given in a manner that is not conducive to building self-esteem.
And I feel that these particular teachers need to be aware that some of their dancers are not good with always being told negative things with no positive to balance them, or being singled out publicly when they are corrected.
This is hard to handle for a neurotypical athlete, let alone an athlete with my daughters issues.
I have emailed constructive feedback, asking for some compromise in how feedback is given. I have also worked consistently with the studio in terms of sharing my daughters issues and her diagnosis. I have given them a wonderful website with a list of coaches strategies for working with athletes with ADHD and anxiety, and I have countless one on ones with the instructors. I have bought private lessons for my daughter to help her with the smaller details of dance and her focus (group lessons are hard for her due to so much going on).
The problem is, nothing is changing. She still feels singled out. She still struggles with the way the instructors teach, and the studio is extremely disorganized. I can never be sure the information I give to the owner/director is being passed down to the teachers. Her private lessons were discontinued due to scheduling on their end, and despite repeated attempts to re-book, because my daughter loves them and they help her tremendously, nothing has been done.
I know that this is likely to be an issue at most dance studios, because from my experience, most coaches are not well-versed on the differences between neurotypical and neuroatypical athletes. If we change studios, it becomes a 45 minute drive to find a new one, and I am already stretched to the limit.
Photo by Alexander Dummer
I’m at a loss. I feel like that parent that always has to advocate, and I catch myself wondering how much I have to help her to get accommodations for her issues and how much I should just tell her that there are always different kinds of coaches and you have to learn how to deal with criticism if you want to get better.
To add insult to injury, the issue of feedback is only one of the many problems I have had where the teachers and instructors fail to heed my concerns about things that cause my daughter excess hardship in practice; things such as playing the music so loud that she has to cover her ears and cringe during practice and, yet, they still. won’t. turn. it. down.
My daughter and I talk about the value of hard-work, goal setting, losing as an opportunity to get better and above all, enjoying the process and having fun ALL the time. I have gone to great lengths to show respect for the studio and all the teachers in front of her and use our conversations as a way to model good sportsmanship and coping skills, but secretly, I am fuming and feeling like the studio is utterly incapable of handling a special needs athlete.
I’m really having trouble finding the balance between mom, coach and dance parent, and worse, I feel singled out, blamed and shamed every time I try to advocate for her. To be fair, I don’t think that is anyone’s intent, they do their best, but that is how it comes across to me.
So I will continue to hold my arms out, and do my best to balance on the tightrope that is now my life, wavering back and forth between dance mom, coach, and parent of a special needs child.
Do you have any stories to share about your neuroatypical child and the obstacles you’ve faced? Feel free to share in the comments!
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