BellaZinga.Blog

Tag: Autism

  • Pathological Demand Avoidance and Autism: A Quick Primer

    Pathological Demand Avoidance and Autism: A Quick Primer

    (Note: Chat GPT Assisted)

    “Autism”, “ASD”, and “PDA”. These aren’t just random abbreviations – they’re essential keys to understanding the vast, colourful world of neurodiversity. Dive into this guide and let’s decode the mystery behind PDA, all while keeping a sense of humour about it.

    Source: Pexels

    What the Heck is PDA (What, You Mean it’s Not a Public Display of Affection)?

    Let’s get our bearings straight:

    • PDA stands for pathological demand avoidance.
    • It’s a subtype of autism spectrum disorder (ASD).
    • PDA involves an extreme avoidance of everyday demands, often driven by high levels of anxiety.
    • A quick history tidbit: PDA was first identified in the 1980s by child psychologist Elizabeth Newson. (Yep, while you were busy rocking those leg warmers and mullets, science was making strides!)

    “Does My Kiddo Have PDA?” – Behaviours to Watch Out For

    Now, no two children are alike, and no, I don’t mean like snowflakes. More like, um, ice cream flavors? But here are some general signs:

    • Resistance to Ordinary Demands: Ever felt like you’re negotiating with a mini-diplomat just to get shoes on for school? This isn’t your typical child stalling. It’s an intrinsic need to resist routine tasks that most of us find mundane.
    • Comfort in Role Play: They might often take on roles or personas and communicate through them. Sherlock today, Spider-Man tomorrow! It’s not just play; it’s a coping mechanism.
    • Social Mimicry: They can often imitate others to mask their difficulties. This isn’t about being the ‘class clown’. It’s a way for them to fit in, making it sometimes hard to pinpoint. Crafty little beings, aren’t they?
    • High Levels of Anxiety: Their anxiety levels are more profound than the dread you feel when you accidentally like a picture from 2012 while stalking someone on social media. This can manifest in various ways:
    • School Avoidance: It goes beyond the occasional “I don’t wanna go!” It’s a deep-rooted fear or reluctance that makes school mornings seem like a scene out of an action movie – and for some chilldren, like mine, a horror movie.
    • Aggression When Anxious: Not just a temper tantrum. When they’re pushed to their limit, their fight-or-flight response might lean heavily on the ‘fight’. This could look like punching walls, throwing things, taking scissors to walls, pushing you, or screaming insults at caregivers.
    • Panic Attacks: Heart-wrenching to watch, these sudden bouts of intense fear can immobilize them. It’s not “attention-seeking” but a genuine overwhelming feeling they can’t control.
    • Self-Harm: Children with PDA often use self-harm, often as a grounding technique to take their mind off their tumultuous feelings of anxiety in their body. This could look like hitting their head with their hands, slapping themselves in the face, or beating their head agains a wall. It’s scary to watch, and can be deeply unsettling for both parent and child.

    Diagnosis: When Should You Seek Professional Insight?

    Your intuition as a parent is uncanny. If you’re feeling something’s up, trust your gut, and:

    1. Consult a Specialist: This usually starts with a pediatrician or a child psychologist.Don’t take “no” for an answer. Unfortunately, there are many medical professionals who don’t believe in PDA, and many who are just not familiar with it. This is where you need to do your own research mama, and go with spreadsheets and data in tow!
    2. Undergo Assessment: This can include observations, interviews, and specific PDA-focused questionnaires.
    3. Receive a Diagnosis: Now that you have a better understanding of your child’s challenges, it’s time to search for supports that fits their needs (and yours.) You’ll also need to arm yourself with information so you can adovcate with schools, coaches, and any other environments your child may need special accommodations in.

    Remember, it’s not about labelling but understanding and supporting your child through this journey.

    Treating PDA: No One-Size-Fits-All Here!

    Treatment is as unique as your child’s fingerprint or your secret cookie stash (oops, did I just spill the beans?):

    • Individual Therapy: Tailored strategies to cope with demands and anxiety.
    • Family Counseling: Because, let’s face it, we all need a bit of group therapy after those family board game nights.
    • Educational Support: Tweaking their learning environment to suit their needs, minus the unnecessary pressure.

    Tips for Navigating the Rollercoaster of PDA at Home

    Welcome to the ‘PDA Theme Park’. Hold onto Your Hats!

    Navigating the zigzaggy roller coaster that is PDA can be, well, quite the wild ride. But fear not! With a sprinkle of patience, a dash of creativity, and the following strategies, you can ensure the ride is smoother for both you and your young adventurer:

    • Pick Your Battles: Does it matter if they wear PJs to the supermarket? Hey, some celebrities have worn meat dresses to award shows, so PJs sound pretty haute couture to me!
    • Use Indirect Requests: Instead of the direct “Brush your teeth,” try a bit of playful challenge like, “Hmm, I wonder who can make their teeth shine the brightest?” Engage their imagination!
    • Establish Safe Spaces: Picture this – a cozy nook with fluffy pillows, their favorite book, and maybe a soft light. Everyone, especially our PDA champions, needs a sanctuary to retreat to when the world gets a tad too overwhelming.
    • Humor is Your Friend: When in doubt, laugh it out! Remember that time you tried to wear two different shoes to work? Yeah, life can be absurd. Sharing a hearty laugh can diffuse tension in a jiffy.
    • Negotiate Like a Pro: It’s not about manipulation; it’s a two-way street. Maybe it’s a compromise, or perhaps it’s letting them feel they have a say. “10 more minutes of play, and then we tackle homework. Deal?”
    • Keep it Low-Key: Sometimes, the fanfare and fuss can be overwhelming. Approaching situations calmly and without a ton of drama can often lead to more successful outcomes.
    • Collaborate with Your Child: Make them part of the solution. “Okay, so we need to do X. How do you think we should get it done?”
    • Find Their Motivation: Is there a toy, a story, or maybe a treat they love? Use it as a carrot (or maybe a cookie?). “Once we’ve tidied up, how about we read that new comic together?”

    These tips may not look like ordinary parenting, but your child is extraordinary, so these special tips will help them (and you) get stuff done with less head-butting and more hugs.

    Wrapping Up: From PDA to BellaZinga!

    Speaking of understanding and celebrating neurodiversity, have you heard of BellaZinga? Inspired by a brilliant girl named Bella who dazzles on the autism spectrum, our online store uses printable merch and educational materials to promote the inclusion, acceptance, and celebration of the true spirit of neurodiversity. Need a touch of inspiration or just a sprinkle of awareness in your life? Swing by BellaZinga and let some neurodivergent light shine on you!

    P.S. While you’re there, maybe grab a little something. Who says advocacy can’t be stylish? 😉🌟

  • Where Did I Go? Psychological Effects of Being a Single Mother

    Back in Februrary, a commercial for Go RVing Canada appeared on our screens, prompting people to “Find their wildhood.” I’m sure you’ve seen the spot, but in case you haven’t, you can check it out for yourselves.

    The story tells of a man searching for more than the stressful, monotonous, grind of our modern existence. After leaving work one day he’s had enough, and breaks. Instead of stepping onto the subway, he runs – as far and as fast as he can. As he does, he slowly divests himself of the trappings of our modern life, eventually finding himself in the wilderness.

    Finally, our hero stumbles across a campfire, and through the flames he sees a shadowy figure. He gives chase, culminating in a leap of faith by following the figure off a cliff, and splashing down into the cool, baptismal waters of a mountain lake. As he emerges, the man realizes he’s been chasing himself; perhaps the person he used to be, and most certainly the person he wants to be now.

    As I sat watching the commercial that first time (and if I’m being honest, all subsequent times), I was overcome by emotions so raw and a realization so great I didn’t know how to cope. Instead, I sobbed quietly into my hands, hoping my daughter wouldn’t walk into the room and see me devolving. Even while writing these words, I have to take breaks to pull myself together, because the message stirs something so deep, so broken, and so personal I find it difficult to share my thoughts.

    By speaking these these thoughts out loud there is no turning back. I’m exposing all the ugly bits of myself – and what it’s like to be a single mother – to the world, and likely inviting more than a few trolls to take some shots.

    In the end, it’s more important that I am open, vulnerable, and real with my readers, so here goes.

    Single Mom Sacrifice

    When I watch that commercial, I realize how much I have lost myself in my nearly twelve years of single parenthood. True, I knew I had sacrificed much by focusing on my child and her needs over my own, but I hadn’t realized the extent of it until I saw that man, in that lake, finally reaquainting himself with a healthier, happier version of himself.

    The truth is, I don’t know how I got here, or even how I could have done anything differently. As a single mom, it’s an understatement to say life is hard. It seems like you are never doing enough, working hard enough, juggling fast enough, being patient enough, etc.

    In short, I feel like I am never enough.

    Source: Pexels

    Now add to it the fact that my kiddo is autistic and has ADHD. For those of you that have neurodivergent children, you get it. For those of you that don’t…you’ll never get it until you live it.

    Suffice to say, I’ve dedicated every ounce of my energy into ensuring my daughter receives the diagnoses, supports, counseling, medication, IEPs, strategies, and time with me she needs to be successful.

    Everything else – and I mean everything – has gone on the backburner.

    Being the Sole Provider

    Of course, when it somes to finances, I’m it. It’s up to momma to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. (my kiddo loves bacon) But try to make any career work around:

    • Appointments
    • Meltdowns
    • After-school activities that are necessary for her social, emotional, and physical health
    • School avoidance behviours and constant calls to pick her up early
    • Physical symptoms of anxiety like constant stomach aches and headaches
    • Pathological demand avoidance
    • Poor executive function
    • Bullying and social issues with other children, etc.

    Go ahead. Find a job that will allow you to work and still navigate that. I dare you. In fact, if anyone can tell me how to survive financially as a single mother, I’m all ears. Screw survive, I want to know how to thrive.

    As I said before, it’s never enough. I’m never enough. There’s never enough time. There’s never enough money. But all the while I have to be the one to put on a brave face. To bolster her. To be patient for her. To never go out so I don’t spend money on sitters so I can afford her activities. To scrimp on dental care when I need it because I don’t have benefits and I need to make sure I can afford her braces. (My teeth still look great and my breath is minty fresh btw)

    The end result is I don’t fucking recognize myself. I’ve let myself go. Most days, I look old, defeated and tired. Half the time I don’t have any energy.

    I’m just now weaning myelf off my latest round of anti-depressants and anxiety meds for the panic attacks I was having dealing with the stress of trying to find a job that would work with our lifestyle needs and somehow pull us out of poverty. Not to mention the daily trauma of school avoidance meltdowns that were dominating our lives.

    Body Image Takes a Hit

    And I’m fat.There, I said it. Me, who used to be so athletic. Fuck, I used to live in the Rocky Mountains and run up them on a daily basis. My abs were so tight you could bounce a quarter off them, and I loved my legs. I was so sleek, and sexy, and loved dressing up in heels and painting the town.

    Now I can’t stand to look at myself. It’s not like I’m drastically overweight, and as a friend of mine told me recently, I actually look like an average person, but when you spend the better part of your life being an athlete, it’s hard to adapt to a new curvier self.

    Intellectually, I know it’s not my fault. I know part of this is getting older – hello perimenopause – not to mention the good ol’ stress hormone cortisol doing it’s nasty work. But I still blame myself for not fitting the picture of what I should look like, particularly when I compare it to how healthy I used to be.

    Then there’s dating, or rather the lack of it. Between trying to find the time or energy to date, and feeling confident about my body and how I look, it seems like a lost cause. And don’t even talk to me about sex. It’s literally been years for me, and I feel about as sexy as a can of Drano right now.

    Source: Pexels

    Single Parenting is a Lonely Job

    But you know what I miss above all else? I miss having someone to help me make decisions – because it’s always all me shouldering the load. I miss holding someone’s hand, or crawling into someone’s lap and just being held and someone for once telling me that it will be alright, instead of me always being the one doing the reassuring.

    It’s so hard not to be bitter and resentful of those people with significant others who provide for them. Who have the option to stay home and look after their kids and still live a life that’s not mired in stress. I almost laugh when women complain about their spouses when they forget to take out the garbage, or are away from home for too long with work.

    To even have had one night a week where a spouse or partner drove my kid to their activities, or paid for groceries, would make a world of difference.

    I don’t know who I am anymore. Or rather, I don’t know where the old “me” went. Mentally, I know I need to love my body for how it carries me through the world. And I’m the first one to preach body positivity and acceptance to my daughter and anyone else, so I don’t know why I can’t love myself regardless of my size.

    But it just seems like everything is stacked against me. I try to focus on the little things to get me through, like the accomplishments or hurdles my kiddo overcomes. But again, it’s all about her. Somehow, my wants, my dreams, and my needs are lost in the mix.

    Not because I’m choosing to ignore myself, but I’m just trying to survive and provide.

    This is the Dirty Secret of Single Parenting

    And that’s why this fucking commercial hits so hard. I want to meet myself again, and love myself again. I just don’t know how I can make it happen.

    This is the dark side of single parenting no one will talk about. The angry, defeated, bitter side I see so many mothers unleashing in social media support groups.

    All this might make you think I resent my child. I don’t. I love my child beyond measure, and show up for her every. single. day. to the best of my ability.

    But there is nothing left for me after that.

    So. What’s to be done? How can I find my way back to who I used to be? Or at least to the best version of myself now.

    I don’t have the answers. The whole “self-care” myth is a crock of shit. And I’ve even written blogs about how to carve out time for it! (Colour me cynical and hypocritical) Let’s be honest, if I don’t have time to have a shower or put on make-up, I’m not going to be able to find time for much else. For some of us, there is simply no time, or money for self-care.

    What I do know is I’m a fighter. So I’ve spent this weekend applying for jobs (like I’ve been doing on the daily for months) to help me finanically. I’ve been steadily working up my online presence for my new business venture in hopes of creating a passive income to help lighten the load.

    I’m continuing my role as a content writer, and doing my best to search out new prospects.

    I even splurged for a hair cut (First Choice Haircutters of course, I can’t afford a stylist) because it’s been over six months and I needed a trim.

    All I can do is take it one hour, one day at a time. Maybe eventually I’ll find my “wildhood” again. Who knows, maybe I just need to get laid. (don’t gasp, I know you’re thinking it.)

    So share with me your struggles about being a single mother. Or maybe struggling with body image issues. Or dating as an older woman?

    Let’s put it all out there and support each other.

    Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have to go RVing to find our “wildhoods.”

    If you like my writing, subscribe, like, comment and share.

    And don’t forget to check out my new biz at BellaZinga.com, where we promote the inclusion, awareness, acceptance, and celebration of neurodiversity.

    Subscribe to my blog here!

  • A Dance Recital Like No Other

    A Dance Recital Like No Other

    Last weekend my daughter danced in her studio’s end-of-the-year recital. The show was a success, full of the usual suspects; seasoned performers hip-hopping their way to fame, teeny-weenies out for their dance debut loaded with sparkles and wide-eyed anticipation, and budding street dancers learning the breakdance ropes. 

    While all of these regular recital occurrences are heart-warming, what got me in the “feels” was that I got to watch the entire thing from the audience. 

    This may sound odd, given that my little dancer is not so little anymore. In fact, at nearly twelve, she’s taller than most grown women. And you’re likely now thinking that I’m a total helicopter mom, hovering like there’s no tomorrow, too afraid to cut the apron strings and let my daughter look after herself.

    While that may be true, there’s also another factor to consider. You see, my daughter is neurodivergent; she has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum. This means that she is quirky, beautiful and (in my humble opinion) fucking brilliant. 

    It also means she has significant challenges in places and at events that you and your neurotypical kiddos likely take for granted.

    I won’t ever take something like watching a dance recital from the audience for granted again. I’ll tell you why.

    Source: Unsplash

    The Extra Steps of Autism

    My daughter doesn’t look any different than your average tween. Given that she is considered Level 1 ASD (formerly known as Aspergers), nothing would cue you that she is any different from a neurotypical child. 

    This is why so many parents of kids on the spectrum get the side-eye, eye-rolls, and just about any other eye-related behaviour from other parents, teachers, doctors, etc. 

    No two children on the spectrum are the same, but let me share with you some of the challenges my daughter has had to overcome in her dance career.

    Motor Difficulties

    You know how kids can effortlessly tie their shoes or change outfits like they’re in a backstage dressing room of a Broadway show? Well, that’s not exactly a walk in the park for my kiddo. 

    With her motor skills functioning a little differently, quickly tying tap shoes or changing sparkly leotards might as well be an Olympic event. And let’s not forget the actual dance numbers. 

    With balance and coordination playing a cheeky game of hide-and-seek, the challenge of mastering those intricate steps is on another level.

    Issues with Working Memory

    Ever tried to keep track of multiple dance numbers, their order, and the steps for each in your head? My daughter tackles this challenge head-on every time she steps onto that stage. 

    Prioritizing tasks and decision-making are like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded. The struggle with working memory is real y’all.

    Executive Function Challenges 

    Imagine having a long list of instructions, each more complex than the last. Sound overwhelming? Now, think about how it feels when every day is filled with these lists and not having a freaking clue where to begin or how to put the required steps in order?

    That’s the reality for children like my daughter. Delayed executive function development is like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. Is it any wonder they get frustrated and lose their shit?

    Emotional Dysregulation

    Feelings for my daughter are like waves during a storm, overwhelming and unpredictable. Her emotions are big, bold, and often challenging to rein in. It’s like riding a roller coaster without a safety bar, thrilling but also a little scary.

    The hardest part as her parent is to watch the shame and guilt play across her features once she has calmed down and realized what she said and did while she was struggling for control. 

    Even though my kiddo is starting to realize that when she gets overwhelmed, her frontal lobe is not in control, and she is in the clutches of her amygdala and the dreaded fight/flight/freeze/fawn (although there is a strong argument for using “feign” instead of fawn) response cycle, she still feels bad about her behaviour after the fact.

    Sensory Sensitivities

    Imagine being at a rock concert, but the music’s too loud, the lights are too bright, and the crowd’s too much. Now, try picturing that every time you’re in a room full of kids or under fluorescent lighting. 

    That’s what my daughter deals with — a world where sounds, smells, and sights can be as piercing as a siren’s call. Because she perceives the world differently and often more intensely, she can experience these sensations as discomfort and even pain.

    Now see yourself at a dance competition or recital, packed together in a dressing room with hundreds of other dancers, all anxious and excited. The steady drum of chatter, shouting, crying, and music would be enough to drive a neurotypical person to drink, let alone someone who’s conditioned to perceive these stimuli as threats! (To clarify, I don’t let my daughter drink…so don’t come for me!)

    Problems Reading Social Cues

    Reading social cues for my daughter is like deciphering hieroglyphics without a Rosetta Stone. It’s tough not knowing how to fit into the social puzzle, feeling isolated in a room full of chattering children. 

    But thank the goddess for our dance studio. Through careful attention to fostering a climate and culture of family and inclusion, they have helped my daughter fit in every step of the way. I wish I could say the same for our previous studio, but that’s another story for another time. (And perhaps that aforementioned drink)

    Triumph in the Dressing Room

    Usually, I am my daughter’s special assistant in the dressing room. My job is to make sure she can navigate quick changes, take a sensory break if necessary, calm her in case of overwhelming nervousness to prevent meltdowns and help her navigate the environment and pressure around her.

    I always ask my kiddo if she wants me there with her in the dressing room or if she’d like to try it on her own, as I’m trying to foster independence and push her boundaries, but I want her to feel ready for it.

    So I wasn’t surprised when she asked me to be her special dressing room assistant once again. 

    I don’t mind this, but the fact is, it is usually only my daughter and me at these events. So when I’m below in a dressing room, I am not in the audience to hoot, holler, yell, and clap for her when she’s onstage. And that means she has no one in the audience to do that for her. 

    As you can imagine, for an only child who seldom sees her father and sees ALL the other families full of siblings and relatives attending, this is hard for both of us.

    Still, I was prepared. I’d created extra lists for my l’il dancer with the order of her numbers, all carefully highlighted. I’d labelled each of her dance bags carefully, even crafting numbers to hang on each hanger so it would be easier to see which one was next.

    I’d done all the things necessary to ensure a seamless experience. I’d packed all my kiddo’s sensory stuff, like headphones, earbuds, fidget spinners, a tablet and a charger, not to mention a cell phone. You name it; we were ready.

    Then, suddenly, as we were setting her bag up in her designated space, my daughter shot me an “I’m so embarrassed my mom is here look” and started shooing me away.

    I have to admit. I froze, unsure if I was actually seeing what I thought I was. 

    Sure enough, my daughter wanted me to leave her alone so she could hang with her dance friends. When I asked if she could handle the quick changes, she said she could, and I should leave her alone.

    Source: Pexels

    A New Perspective: Joining the Audience

    I just about cried. Partly, if I’m being honest, because this was a huge hurdle, and it meant my baby was growing up, which is difficult for every mama bear, neurodivergent or neurotypical alike.

    But partly because of the overwhelming sense of relief and freedom to sit and enjoy myself at a function. Whether it was a family dinner, a holiday gathering, a school assembly, or a dance recital, I had yet been unable to do this.

    I don’t think you can understand how it feels to always be alone when you’re the parent of a kiddo on the spectrum. Because your child is more, needs more, and demands more, you have to give more, be available more, be more organized, be more prepared, be more calm…I think you get the picture.

    This sense of being an uber parent is not conducive to sitting and having a cocktail at a dinner party, socializing with family at a Christmas get-together, or watching your daughter shine onstage at dance recitals.

    Until last week.

    And shine, she did. Although it was hard to see from the tears in my eyes. (I’m not crying, you’re crying)

    Parenting on the Spectrum Means You Celebrate the Ordinary Moments as if They Were Extraordinary

    My daughter did it on her own, and I couldn’t be prouder. You see, for parents like me, we don’t just celebrate the recitals or awards. We celebrate the moments when our children prove to the world, and more importantly to themselves, that they are so much more than a label.

    We celebrate when they show their strength and resilience in the face of adversity and face the challenges of a world that can be overwhelmingly stacked against them.

    So yes, I won’t ever take something like watching a dance recital from the audience for granted again. Not because it’s a luxury but because it’s a testament to the beautiful, quirky, brilliant girl my daughter has become. And how damn proud I am of her.

    If you want to share some ordinary yet extraordinary moments with your neurodivergent child, comment below, and follow me for more blogs!

    Better yet, why not check out my online store, BellaZinga (inspired by my daughter and her neverending one-liners) for some merch with a side of neurodivergent sass? While you’re there, you can download my eBook “Friends Beyond Differences: Embracing Neurodiversity.” 

    It’s an engaging guide written specifically for neurotypical kids aged 6-12 to help them understand and embrace their neurodiverse peers.

    And remember, our differences make us unique, but our humanity binds us together. Let’s ensure every child, regardless of their neurotype, feels accepted, loved, and capable of dancing their own unique rhythm.

    Shine on, my beautiful neurodiverse kiddos.

    Shine on.