It’s the second day of school, and my stomach is clenched tight, a cold knot of fury radiating from within and extending through my fingers as I type. Within hours of my daughter’s first day of school, her frenemy, AKA her bully, was at her again.

I’d like to say I handled it well. I did not.

You see, this isn’t the first time my daughter has experienced a put-down, slight, or attempt at ostracism from this particular ex-friend. It’s not even the tenth. We’ve gone through two years of dealing with this relational bullying, and the effects on my daughter have been devastating.

Because my daughter is on the autism spectrum and has ADHD, she is more at risk of being a target of mean girls and queen bees. I’d like to say the data on this is incorrect. I can’t. Throughout her short life, my vibrant, unique, intelligent daughter has always been targeted by those kids for many reasons, but perhaps the biggest cause is that she’s different.

My daughter is ASD Level 1, which means you wouldn’t know she’s autistic by looking at her. This invisible difference makes it easy for others to target her for being different without understanding the neurological reasons behind those differences.

And, of course, girls, in particular, are the worst when it comes to cruelty. I experienced mean girl behaviour daily in elementary school, making detachment and objectivity very difficult to find after a lifetime of being targeted myself and observing a lifetime of my daughter being targeted by her tormenters.

Evidence shows over 60% of children and young adults with autism experience bullying. Among them, high schoolers are most likely to be bullied. School-aged children on the autism spectrum who do not need special health care and those from disadvantaged neighbourhoods are also more likely to be bullied than other autistic children.

This article will explore the effects of bullying and relational bullying, particularly for children with autism, through an intimate and personal lens. We’ll cover what bullying and relational bullying are, their effects on children, the emotional challenges parents face alongside their bullied tweens, and how to deal with them.

Together, let’s explore how we can protect children with autism from bullying and help them grow up resilient, confident, and safe. 

Source: Pexels

How Do We Define Bullying?

The word “bully” prompts a knee-jerk reaction from parents. After all, no one wants to think their child might be guilty of bullying behaviour. The truth is, many kids are bullies, and many are bullied, and sometimes tweens can fall in between and become both victim and perpetrator.

So, what exactly is bullying, and how do we know we are using the term correctly? 

Bullying is defined as aggressive behaviour intended to cause fear, harm, distress, or create an uncomfortable environment for someone. It often involves repeated behaviours and an imbalance of power between the perpetrator and the victim. 

This power difference could suggest a difference in age, grade or physical size. Bullying behaviour can take on many forms aside from physical or verbal abuse, such as: 

• Excluding or isolating a person 
• Spreading rumours or doing things to embarrass someone 
• Using technology (texts, emails, social media) to harass someone 
• Taking or damaging property 

When it comes to girls on the spectrum, they are especially vulnerable to relational bullying or “mean girl” type behaviours due to their difficulty in making friends and their social awkwardness. 

This dynamic can put them at risk of becoming the target of gossip and exclusion. Girls with autism may also be more susceptible to humiliation or intentional humiliation due to their sometimes associated language and communication difficulties.

In my daughter’s case, her ex-friend wields her control over her friend group to exclude her and takes every opportunity to dismiss my daughter’s accomplishments, make her feel bad about herself, and stress how no one likes her.

This type of bullying, called relational aggression, seems to be the weapon of choice in “girl world.” (If you grew up in girl world, I know you can relate). Let’s take a closer look. 

Defining Relational Aggression

As a child, I was bullied relentlessly in elementary school. I was an easy target. I wasn’t that cute (I grew into my looks later, fortunately); I was a smartypants who used big words and trained as a competitive figure skater. 

This meant I missed more school days than I was there for coaching and practice sessions, making it harder for me to fit in or even defend myself on the days I was absent from the rumours created by my nemeses. 

Of course, add that I was perceived as a – gasp! – goody-goody who didn’t smoke or kiss boys, and I had the perfect combination of traits that made me stand out. 

And not in a good way.

It was common to go to school and have not one person talk to me the entire day upon instructions from our “queen bee.” This included my supposed best friend, who would turn her back when I begged her to speak to me. 

Then there were the whispers behind my back, the giggles and jokes made at my expense, and the put-downs. To this day, I struggle with self-esteem issues and setting boundaries.

Unfortunately, this incredibly unfair form of bullying is quite common, especially among girls. Also known as “relational bullying,” it is an insidious type of abuse that differs from traditional bullying and involves more subtle forms of aggression, such as exclusion or spreading rumours. 

This harassment is used to damage someone’s relationships or social status and is often more challenging to detect as it is much less overt. It can be devastatingly effective as these relational behaviours can damage people’s self-esteem and leave them feeling isolated in a way that can be harder to overcome than traditional physical bullying. 

Children with autism – who may already have difficulty in social situations or picking up on complex social cues – can be especially vulnerable, as they may misread social signals or have a harder time communicating. 

Peggy Moss at Empowering Parents lists the following as possible types of relational bullying: 

• Intimidation 
• Exclusion 
• Spreading rumours 
• Putting down others in a group setting 
• Gossiping about others 
• Outcasting
• Humiliating 
• Cyberbullying
• Backstabbing

These kinds of behaviours can have serious potential consequences, including depression, anxiety, physical health problems, and increased risk for conduct problems. 

At the same time, though, it is crucial to recognize that the effects of relational bullying can be overcome. It is, after all, a form of abuse that can be identified and addressed. 

It takes time and hard work, but raising awareness can help young girls know the signs to look out for and how to react to such bullying constructively.

Source: Pexels

Why Are ASD Level 1 Girls So Susceptible to Relational Aggression?

It might help to understand why kids with Level I autism are more at risk than their Level II and III counterparts. First, let’s break down the classification system used by the experts to categorize different levels of ASD diagnoses. 

Autism can manifest in various levels; most people fill in somewhere on the continuum. It’s important to understant that these levels are just a general guide and the condition manifests differently in everyone.

Level 1

Sometimes referred to as “high-functioning” or “Asperger Syndrome” (there is much debate about the appropriateness of these terms within autism communities so I felt it important to address), it refers to someone likely to require support for some of the following: 

• Difficulty in back-and-forth communication 
• Trouble with social cues and body language 
• Social anxiety and burnout from long-term masking 
• Issues with transitioning between activities 
• Challenges in organization and planning 

Level II 

Requires substantial support and has: 

• Difficulty with masking
• Limited ability to change focus or activities
• Engagement in noticeable repetitive behaviour or stimming,
• Struggles with societal norms due to a neurotypical-centric environment 

Level III 

Needing very substantial support and:

• Is unable to mask
• Experiences a high self-regulation burden
• Has significant difficulty with verbal and non-verbal communication
• Struggles with changes in focus or location
• Engages in noticeable repetitive behaviours
• Is at increased risk for neglect, abuse and discrimination

It’s no surprise that Level I girls are more likely to come into contact with the relational bullying their peers often face because of their wide range of social abilities. They typically don’t have the same social communication and interaction skills as the general population, thus making them more vulnerable to mean-girl treatment. 

For instance, my daughter struggles with: 

• Reading verbal social cues
• Entirely missing or misinterpreting non-verbal social cues
• Knowing when to enter a conversation
• Taking things literally
• Knowing when someone is not interested in her favourite subject of interest that she wants to share with the world because it’s AWESOME
• Understanding when someone has had enough of a particular conversation and is ready to move on
• The boundaries of personal space and when someone is uncomfortable if she’s in theirs
• Misreading other’s intentions for good or for ill

Because of this, my daughter has been targeted her entire life, and it can be heartbreaking to bear witness to the experience of my child being made to feel lower and lesser than her peers. 

It’s made her more withdrawn, less outgoing and less trusting of those around her. But it’s not all hopeless – as I have worked with my daughter, I have noticed that her self-advocacy has improved, and she can stand up for herself when it counts. 

It is of utmost importance that girls with autism get the support, love, affection and understanding they need to help them learn to cope with life’s struggles and gain confidence. 

With the right environment and guidance, these girls can find their voices and learn to thrive in an often challenging world.

Effects of Relational Bullying on Autistic Girls

It’s difficult to put into words the effects this constant harassment has had on my daughter. Keep in mind, she’s dealt with it her entire. short. life – in every grade, in online school during the pandemic, at her dance studio, and even from instructors who didn’t know any better. 

I first saw it manifested in debilitating nightmares and insomnia during the summer between Senior Kindergarten and Grade 1. My daughter would wake up crying and be unable to sleep. 

She would have nightmares of herself sitting alone under a tree at school because no one would talk to her. And it’s only gotten worse from there. Imagine that every. day. of. your. life. you have to deal with someone trying to make you feel wrong. defective. less than. 

On top of that, you must deal with all the other challenges you face of navigating a neurotypical world in a neuroatypical body and brain. Here’s a list of the harm this type of bullying can cause:

• Depression 
• Anxiety 
• Insomnia 
• Low self-worth 
• Headaches 
• Nausea 
• Stomach aches 
• School avoidance 
• Fear of social situations
• The urge to self-harm
• Eating disorders
• Trouble concentrating
• Stress-related sicknesses 

These are the lasting effects of relational bullying that can affect an autistic girl. It’s insidious, and it’s as real as anything can get. It can set in motion a lifetime of negative consequences and can take away the joyousness of childhood. 

This is why it’s so important we start having honest conversations about bullying and its effects in our schools – especially regarding autistic girls. We need to create safe learning environments that are aware of these dynamics and how to prevent them in the first place. 

We need more education and understanding of autism, both within the schools and the larger community. We need to make sure our children know there is always hope. That there is another way. No matter what they face today, tomorrow is a new dawn.

Source: Pexels

The Blind Spots: Why Teachers and Coaches Often Miss the Signs

If you think spotting relational aggression is like searching for a needle in a haystack for us parents, imagine what it’s like for teachers and coaches who have multiple kids to manage.

The Resource Crunch

Let’s start with the most obvious yet understated problem: resources. Teachers and coaches are often stretched thin, juggling between academic responsibilities, extracurricular activities, and yes, maintaining a semblance of order among the kids.

Too Few Eyes, Too Many Kids: There’s only so much ground a teacher can cover. The schoolyard, during recess or after school, often becomes a ‘safe’ space for bullies, knowing there’s less adult supervision.

Lack of Specialized Training: Recognizing relational aggression requires specialized training that most educators haven’t received.

The Discord Between Peers and Teachers

There’s a serious disconnect between how teachers and peers view relational aggression. This disparity is especially troubling.

Academic Bias: Teachers often base their judgments on academic performance and classroom behavior. A student excelling in these areas may not raise any red flags, even though they could be a principal antagonist on the playground.

Popularity Paradox: Female students who are popular and overtly aggressive are more likely to be flagged by both teachers and peers. But what about those who operate covertly, hiding their malicious behavior under a guise of charm and friendliness?

The Silent Victims

Much like my daughter, many victims don’t want to ‘tattle.’ They internalize their pain, trying to handle the situation themselves, which often leads to further anxiety and emotional distress.

Fear of Retaliation: The fear of being labeled or facing worse aggression from the bully often keeps victims silent.

Low Self-reporting: This silence means that there are likely many more victims than what the statistics show, making the problem much bigger than it appears.

There’s no simple fix, but understanding why it’s so hard to spot and stop relational aggression is a crucial first step. Only then can we begin to think about meaningful interventions. And trust me, this is a fight worth taking on, not just for our kids, but for everyone’s.

The Emotional Rollercoaster: A Parent’s Journey Through Relational Aggression

I hear you. Honestly, I do. The emotional turmoil that comes with knowing your child is a target of relational aggression isn’t something you can just set aside. It follows you, creeping into the moments that should be free of worry, settling into a pit in your stomach that you can’t seem to shake. This isn’t just a story about kids on a playground; it’s about us parents, too.

The Tug of War: Protectiveness vs. Independence

For any parent, our child’s well-being is paramount. We want nothing more than to send our kids to a safe space where they can grow and thrive. But when that safe space turns hostile, the inner battle begins.

Over-Protection: You’re tempted to wrap them in a protective bubble. And why shouldn’t you? When your child is on the autism spectrum,the world already feels like a battlefield.

Fostering Independence: But you also know you can’t be there to shield them forever. Especially for autistic children, learning independence is critical.

The Emotional Cycle: A Journey Through Many Stages

Stage 1: Empathy and Kindness

It starts with preaching kindness, believing that empathy will prevail. You think, maybe if we understand the bully’s side, we can defuse the situation. You tell your child to be brave but kind, to stand up without sinking to their level.

Stage 2: Accountability

You work tirelessly with your child to help them navigate the social intricacies they naturally find challenging. Mindfulness techniques, social skills classes, breathing exercises, role-playing — you try it all. You do everything you can to equip your child to be the best version of themselves. (and it doesn’t escape your attention that others don’t seem to bother to do this much work with their kids, which frankly, builds resentment.)

Stage 3: Diplomacy

Next, you approach the other parent. You craft your words carefully, advocating for a collective effort to sort out the ‘social difficulties.’ Sometimes it works, and sometimes it explodes in your face, like my unfortunate social media encounter, which I still struggle to forgive myself for. Remember folks, never comment in anger, it never goes well.

Stage 4: Loss of Empathy

Finally, after years of frustration and roadblocks, you find that your reservoir of empathy has run dry. You’ve spent your life empowering kids, and now you’re at a point where negative feelings overshadow any goodwill you had left. And you blame yourself for it.

Emotional Toll: The Unseen Cost

Mental Health: Anxiety, sleepless nights, constant worry – it takes a toll on your mental well-being.

Strained Relationships: Sometimes, it even strains your relationship with your child as you both try to navigate the labyrinth of emotions.

Professional Life: I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t affected my ability to focus on my work, even though every dollar I earn is to ensure a better future for my tiny family.

The Way Forward: Is There One?

Honestly, I wish I had an easy answer, a one-size-fits-all solution. But what I do have is this community, right here, where we share, vent, find support, and pick up the pieces so we can face another day. Because, for our kids, we’ll walk through fire. But we don’t have to do it alone.

We’ve faced hurdles before; we’ll face this one, too. We’ll find a way to protect our children without smothering them, to build their independence without leaving them vulnerable. And hopefully, along the way, we’ll inspire others to stand up, take notice, and make changes that benefit not just our children, but every child who’s grappling with the tough social landscapes of childhood and adolescence.

Stay Connected, Share the Love

If you’ve found this blog post resonating with you, hit that ‘Like’ button and please do ‘Subscribe’ to stay updated on our journey and other important topics. Your support keeps this community thriving and is a beacon for others navigating the same challenges.

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If you do buy something, make sure to put our printable “Things Your Neurodivergent Friends Might Do” and my eBook “Friends Beyond Differences: Embracing Neurodiversity” in your cart.

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Thank you for being part of this incredible community. Together, we can turn our struggles into strength and pave a path for a future where every child feels safe, loved, and included.

So, share this post, spread the word, and let’s create a ripple effect of change. Because in this challenging journey, the more allies we have, the stronger we are.

If you or someone you know is the victim of bullying you can reach out to Bullying Canada at (877) 352 4497. Call or text anytime and their team of caring volunteers will help you. You don’t need to go through this alone.